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Overwhelmed caring for Mother of Alz
sam0678
Posted: Wednesday, September 13, 2017 1:31 PM
Joined: 9/13/2017
Posts: 8


Currently overwhelmed with the responsibility of caring for my Mother with Moderate Alz. She has lived with me and my husband for several years and over the last year has become a lot worse. I have several siblings, but are really no help. The enormity of caring for my Mom and not letting her down, is so stressful. Watching her slip away, and not be able to find her words and get emotional is beyond hard. Her symptoms have become a lot worse over the year. She is desperately trying to hold onto her independence but unable to do simple tasks. 

My sisters only call when they want or need something...which weights on my heart even more. They have asked to borrow money from her...which upsets me...because later on, she doesn't even remember lending them the money. My husband and I care for her completely, and don't take a dime from her...so this puts stress on our marriage when she gives them money. I feel like I am constantly put in the middle....sympathizes with her as a Mother, ticked at them for actually asking their 70+ Mother for money, and then I feel bad for me. (It is a cycle I am exhausted from. I stay in contact with my siblings for my Mother.  She has always been the peace, love and happiness lady...and since she lives with me, its hard for me to cut ties with them. (as much as I would like to) I feel like I would be punishing her. I now check her checking account daily, and keep an accounting to make sure they are not taking advantage.

I just feel so lonely.  My son just left for college, and now should be a time when I would have time with my husband. Unfortunately, I don't feel comfortable leaving for a weekend...or even having a date night. I am a under 40, and feel like I am climbing Mt. Everest alone.  This is the first time I have ever posted anything or joined a support group. I just was hoping maybe there was someone else out there that might be going through the same things....or maybe has some advice. 

My Mother never saved for any events like this...so she only has SS. So I know my options long term are extremely limited. If anyone has advice on care options out there when patients do not have the means to pay for memory care or long term care facilities...I would be grateful.


ruthmendez
Posted: Wednesday, September 13, 2017 4:32 PM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 175


I'm not sure if my advice is worth much, but as I mentioned to someone I met today who currently has her in-laws living with her and her husband, mother-in-law has Azheimers, I say you need to have a serious discussion with your husband.  Both need to listen, understand, and accept each other's view on this situation.  It's only you and him right now, and both are seeing what your sisters are doing, and you both are suffering the consequences of them behaving this way with no respect to you, your mom, and your husband.  Sometimes, we just gotta be mean and stand our ground.  That's the only thing we have left to survive.  If you need to stand firm with rules and let them know how it's going to be, enough is enough.  You have a lot on your plate right now, and it just may get worse (hope not).  I understand your mom needs their company sometimes, but in the end, the reality is, they are not there for her.  It's only you and your husband.  Prepare a day in which you and your husband discuss these things, and listen to each other.  You never know what may come out without holding things inside and trying not to offend each.  Be in each other's situation, and you may have to make some changes.  Start with what is stressing your situation, and try to eliminate some of those factors, because the biggest issue right now is just your mom and YOUR OWN well being and what you and your husband are dealing with.  Apparently, you are selfless people, but don't lose yourself.  If you gotta be mean and speak up, do so.  If you gotta set rules when your sisters come over, you have every right.
Mimi S.
Posted: Wednesday, September 13, 2017 5:03 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 5961


Welcome to our world, Sam. I am so glad you found us.

ASAP, I would strongly suggest getting an appointment with a Certified Elder law Attorney. Explain things ahead of time. He may feel that your mom is or is not capable of signing paper work. If not he will help you go to court.  
Her assets need protection. Do you have financial POA?  You need to take most of her money and put it into an account that can't touch. No more free handouts.  You should be paid for actual financial outlays that you are making on her behalf.  Do keep an accurate account. The Elder law Attorney can help here.
And yes, you and hubby need to be on the same page. You have a husband as well as a mom.  Perhaps a marriage counsellor, but you must have someone familiar with the dynamics of dementia on a family relationship.
Where is the money coming from that she hands out to your siblings? Also ask the Elder Law Attorney about the possibility of getting some back.
And a date night?  Absolutely!!!  Does your mom have a friend you could invite over? Even if you have to order take out.
How much money can you get from her assets to hire one or more caregivers? More than one is good because both get to know her and can sub.
Do keep us posted.

 


JJAz
Posted: Wednesday, September 13, 2017 5:34 PM
Joined: 10/21/2016
Posts: 553


Sam,

I am so sorry for what you are going through.  It is important to protect Mom's current assets, so talking with an elder care attorney is good.  Also, look into respite care for your Mom so that you can get away for a weekend occasionally.  And most important, start looking at the potential of nursing care for Mom at a facility that will take Medicaid payment.  Medicaid will help pay for the needs of indigent patients.  Your elder care attorney can give you more information.

Blessings,

Jamie


Hawkinsnp
Posted: Wednesday, September 13, 2017 5:52 PM
Joined: 9/13/2017
Posts: 1


Sam, 

I am new to this site. But I have to agree with the others. You have your mothers bear interest at heart. You need POA if you don't already have it. And the money you give to your siblings is money you will need later to care for her. You can get sitters now to help give you a break now and then to get much needed time with you spouse and family. You can't sacrifice your family for your moM. There are Comprimoses and solutions. Don't be afraid to say no to anyone that does t have your mothers best interests at heart. 


 
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