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Caregivers Who Have Lost Someone
Feeling guilty 2 years later
I don't post much anymore since my mom passed away almost 2 years ago. Now I'm more often filled with guilt for the times I lost my patience or couldn't deal with all the issues. I got mad at her, yelled back a couple of time when I was at the end of my rope and general didn't always deal with things as well as I could.
Don't get me wrong, I'd say 99% of the time I was doing the best I could it was OK, but there were times I just got frazzled or frustrated or was tired or all of those and I wasn't patient, loving and kind.
Nov I feel so guilty for that. It seems like I should have been nice and caring and compassionate 100% of the time since looking back now, I'm starting to forget how horribly hard it was and just beating myself up for not always handling it better.
Anyway, no point to this post, just an observation on how I'm feeling 2 years.
Hi parkerj242, I know exactly what you mean. When I think about the 99 out of a hundred times I was gentle, loving, and kind I just shrug my shoulders and think that's what I was supposed to do. But when I think about that one time out of a hundred when I was frustrated, angry, or yelled, I'm hard on myself.
I consciously know 100% means perfection, and I'm not able to be perfect. The strange thing is that is even though it sounds as if I'm a perfectionist, really I'm an imperfectionist because that's what I focus on; my failures instead of my successes. In real-estate they say what's important is "Location, location, location". I think in having a healthy self-image, what's important is for me to "Focus, focus, focus"...on the 99 gentle, loving, and kind things I did. But maybe that stinking thinking is what keeps me human and humble. It's not my dominant thought, but it does raise it's ugly head occasionally. I think I should be just as gentle, loving, and kind with myself as I was with others. That'll be my focus for the day. Thank you for getting me to think about my self-abuse.
For guilt repentance helps. It helps a lot. And you have already started doing it here. Prayers for your mom. Also, there are so many moms and dads here in this world that need some type of help. Help them, go volunteer. Go to your city's soup kitchen and volunteer there. It will help a lot. May the Lord help you.
There are days when the rational thinking part of me is able to remind myself that ALZ is a neurological disease, that these diseases have awful presentation with hard to tolerate behavior even for most health professionals (I mean, who isn't irritated by the same stinkin' repeated question 23 times in 10 minutes?) Then, there are others, when all I can think about is the hurt, however fleeting, I caused with impatient words.
About 5 years after my Mom died, one Christmas night I was taking the garbage out, and brooding about something. Then, it was one of those aha moments. It was a clear night sky, with lots of stars out, and all I could think of was how I missed her and I wished I could talk to her for just 5 minutes - no, just 10 seconds. A very clear, clear, thinking moment came to me, it was like she herself reached out to pat me on the head.
No mother who truly loved their child would EVER want them to be haunted for years by a few seconds of impatience, they would want them to focus on a lifetime of love and the relationship.
Regrets still come back from time to time, but they are just that - regrets, not guilt. Human we all are.