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Father threatens to hurt the family pet
msh7089
Posted: Wednesday, February 7, 2018 4:08 PM
Joined: 2/7/2018
Posts: 21


Sorry for the BTB posts...so much to say!! 

My father is 87 yrs old and is nasty to be around, suffice to say. It is just me and him and the little 10 lb dog. The dog barks when he hears noises outside. He is not a noisy yappy dog or anything, it is just the territorial thing. The dog barked this afternoon just as dad settled in for his afternoon nap. He threatened to hit the dog, and sat there, repeatedly saying over and over, if the dog ever barks again 'like that,' he is going to hit him. 

I would not put it past him. My father can be a real monster and scares everybody. He is one who has always gotten his way and people cowtow to him. I can't even 'stand up' to him, or all heck breaks loose. 

But I will not let him hurt the dog. 

Not sure what I can do..? If this happens..? I want to have my ducks in a row in case it does happen. Which, given my father gets 'worse' all the time, it could very well happen. The police around here are pretty much 100% totally useless when it comes to dog complaints.  

The dog already shakes terribly when dad yells. Sadly, at times I think about getting rid of the dog, but my (impossible) father would go absolutely ballistic.  I have mentioned a couple times that if dad does not calm down, instead of scaring the dog when dad rages, I have a couple of times mentioned I might get rid of the dog...Oh does that set dad off..a whole new ugliness emerges..He loves that dog, but..OMG..

Any advice..? Feels totally stuck between a rock and a hard place, to say the least..:/  


Iris L.
Posted: Wednesday, February 7, 2018 4:16 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 15411


Unfortunately, some PWDs (persons with dementia) lose their filters and inhibitions.   They may be unaware when they become violent.  You cannot rely that they have the control they formerly had.  

If the dog is in danger, you must rehome the dog.  Animal abuse should never be permitted, even by PWDs.  


Iris L.


Carolyn613
Posted: Wednesday, February 7, 2018 4:21 PM
Joined: 7/15/2016
Posts: 773


I'm sorry, but the first thought that came to mind was, if this is how he loves the dog, what would he do if he hated it?


Please, you must rehome that poor little dog. If you don't, something bad and irreversible is going to happen. (Please don't say "get rid of". We get rid of trash and garbage. Pets are rehomed. Thank you.)
kellly
Posted: Wednesday, February 7, 2018 4:29 PM
Joined: 6/12/2015
Posts: 1133


Can you have a friend take care of the dog for a while until you get your father medicated and less aggressive? I'd so hate to see him hurt such a little, helpless thing. 

I had to leave an abusive relationship years ago and a very kind woman who owned a kennel let me board my dog there free of charge for several weeks until I found another place to live and went and got my dog back. It saved me having to deal with all that stress PLUS a broken heart over having to part with my dog. 

Try to find a friend who can keep the dog for you for a while, or see if there's inexpensive boarding (usually not as expensive for a small dog as for a bigger one), someplace to keep the dog safe and out of reach of your father's rages. And get him on medication ASAP for his aggression so that your household can settle down.

Another thought - contact a local animal shelter and see if they can help you find someone who will foster the dog while your situation settles down. Fostering is only temporary, so you could get your dog back after your father isn't threatening to hurt it any more. I'd hate to see you having to part with your little dog because of him. A temporary situation would at least give you the peace of mind that your dog is safe and that you won't have to be without the dog once things calm down.

Good luck.


msh7089
Posted: Wednesday, February 7, 2018 4:35 PM
Joined: 2/7/2018
Posts: 21


Yes, rehome is the word, so sorry..just my mind is going a million miles a minute right now (or whatever that saying is. I agree. I guess because I asked some dog lover friends, they said it would be more upsetting to the dog to 'lose' his home and what he knows, etc. But I agree,  I can't let him abuse the dog. Some of this madness has got to stop, and truth be told, he rants and raves about something every day, every hour, anyway!! 

The dog seems to have finally gotten used to the yelling and does not really shake like he used to, but I can't take the chance. A threat like that is a serious threat and should not be taken lightly! My mom used to say he 'loses his head' when he gets angry, and that was some 20 years ago. It is far worse now!!!


msh7089
Posted: Wednesday, February 7, 2018 4:40 PM
Joined: 2/7/2018
Posts: 21


kellly wrote:

Can you have a friend take care of the dog for a while until you get your father medicated and less aggressive? I'd so hate to see him hurt such a little, helpless thing. 

I had to leave an abusive relationship years ago and a very kind woman who owned a kennel let me board my dog there free of charge for several weeks until I found another place to live and went and got my dog back. It saved me having to deal with all that stress PLUS a broken heart over having to part with my dog. 

Try to find a friend who can keep the dog for you for a while, or see if there's inexpensive boarding (usually not as expensive for a small dog as for a bigger one), someplace to keep the dog safe and out of reach of your father's rages. And get him on medication ASAP for his aggression so that your household can settle down.

Another thought - contact a local animal shelter and see if they can help you find someone who will foster the dog while your situation settles down. Fostering is only temporary, so you could get your dog back after your father isn't threatening to hurt it any more. I'd hate to see you having to part with your little dog because of him. A temporary situation would at least give you the peace of mind that your dog is safe and that you won't have to be without the dog once things calm down.

Good luck.


This is great advice, if this were possible. Dad refuses to take anxiety meds of any sort. He is impossible and does what he can to make every little thing impossible and as difficult as humanly possible. No wonder I am the only one taking care of him. :/  

On one hand I guess if he ever does do anything to the dog, he will be GONE to a nursing home or something, as he will finally be deemed violent. But I don't want to see that. On another hand, I think he knows his butt will be out of the house if he ever lays a hand on the dog. But I really can't take that chance. It is not fair to the dog. Poor little dog. *sigh* 


kellly
Posted: Wednesday, February 7, 2018 4:58 PM
Joined: 6/12/2015
Posts: 1133


Don't ask him to take meds. Crush them up and put them in some food he likes so he takes them without knowing it. He lives in your house, you're taking care of him all the time, he doesn't get a "vote". You are giving up a lot for his care, he can manage to do a couple small things to help you out and preserve your sanity. 

Yeah, my ex loved my dogs, but he was forever leaving food out that they could get into that could hurt them and make them sick or even poison them. I told him that if he ever hurt the dogs, I would make him move out and I meant it. If it came down to him or the dogs, I picked the dogs! Now he is in a care facility (nothing to do with the dogs) and I and my dogs are relaxed and safe. I thought they would freak out and miss him a lot but they seemed to adjust just fine.  

Don't give up - try to find someone who won't mind fostering your little dog until you can get your father stabilized. There are caring people around who might do it, or do it for a small fee so that your dog will be safe and you can get him back when things settle down again. Dogs are such great companions, it would be a shame for you to have to lose that support. Heck, put up a note on the bulletin board in the grocery store if you have to! I'm sure someone out there would be willing to help you and care for your dog for a while. People who love dogs are very understanding and will help out when it comes to other peoples' dogs. 


citydock2000
Posted: Wednesday, February 7, 2018 4:59 PM
Joined: 9/7/2017
Posts: 407


And, honestly, it's not fair to your dad, either.  His navigational compass for how to regulate his behavior is gone. You know the dog agitates him just being a dog. To continue to put him together with the dog pretty much ensures that something will happen. Its unfair to say "well if he hurts the dog then he's out of here" when, given some time, he is going to hurt the dog. 

Remove the dog and tell him ... anything you want The dog is on vacation, the dog went to stay with his dog family, he's away being trained to be quieter.  Your dad may rage, but he will eventually forget and the dog will be safe.


msh7089
Posted: Wednesday, February 7, 2018 5:00 PM
Joined: 2/7/2018
Posts: 21


Oh, and I meant to say, the little dog, who tends to be a happy little go lucky little guy, tends to be a cheerful dog, often looks so sad when dad is around. The dog even vomits sometimes in the morning, had the dog to the vet, tried different things, so I think possibly the little dog is nervous, being in this environment. Had the dog go visit somebody for the day a few weeks ago, and the dog was all smiles, all day. Totally different than at home with dad. I do think the dog would do well if he were rehomed. I know he would wonder why his momma did it, thinking I did not love him, and that breaks my heart. But I really can't let the dog be subjected to this craziness. It's bad enough it is taking a toll on MY health. 

Rehoming is not going to be easy. I put out some feelers a few months ago when the episodes were particularly bad (not that they have been good at all ever since!!), and sadly it looks like rehoming might be hard. This area is all about large breed dogs. And if I took him to the local humane society, dad would go look there. He won't leave his house for anything much really, but he would get a buddy to go help him look for that dog. 

So I guess sadly I need to come up with some reason. Like the dog got loose, or something. Another difficult aspect is dad is under my foot 24/7 (if anyone read my other post, you would know), so it's not like I can have someone come get the dog or I can't take the dog to a new owner, etc. Dad gets very suspicious and paranoid and he is very good at asking lots of questions. He was a detective in his line of work, and he was very good at it, and he still is..

So I will need to come up with some plan that will be as not suspicious as possible. 

Oh this breaks my heart, but I agree, I can't take this chance. Not to mention, dad thinking 'nothing is wrong' with dad, I do have to grocery shop sometimes, leaving the house for maybe an hour, and it is a worry that dad will leave the dog outside in the freezing cold or hot humid summer heat, he forgets, falls asleep, and he does not hear the dog barking outside. He also had feeble hands and insists on taking the dog for little walks to the street intersection and back, and just lots of other worries. I know it will be best for the dog, but gosh, this is going to be hard, for so many reasons.  


Eileen72
Posted: Wednesday, February 7, 2018 5:08 PM
Joined: 6/10/2017
Posts: 312


I am  so sorry for what you are going through.  You must place the dog elsewhere, with a friend, rehome or another family member.  You dad will not remember your threats,( butt out the door) , all part of this dreaded disease and he may well hurt your puppy.  I truly don’t know if aggression to an animal would become a police matter.  If the little dog is afraid of him....that is telling you something.

And telling your dad you had to remove the dog because of your dads anger will only make a bad situation worse.  Fiblet”puppy had to go stay at vets for a overnight checkup”  or some other creative fiblet. 

Until his aggression is under control, please find a safe place for your puppy. 

And then you can get him to neurologist for complete check.  How I did that with my DH, I didn’t tell him it was a neuro but told him Medicare requires annual check or they would no longer cover us.  Perhaps your brothers could come in to help you with that phase.  Good luck and he is lucky to have you. 

 


msh7089
Posted: Wednesday, February 7, 2018 5:14 PM
Joined: 2/7/2018
Posts: 21


I actually tried to get both his heart doc and his PCP to prescribe an anti-anxiety med, and for whatever reason, neither doc will prescribe something to him on the "sly," without telling him. Dad has already told both doc's he does not want to add more pills.When the anti-anxiety med was even mentioned in front of the doc, dad went basically ballistic, saying he does not want it. Can't his doc's see all of this...?? I guess because when he does go see his doc's, he for the most part is all cool calm and collected..it is like Jeckyl and Hyde!!!
Carolyn613
Posted: Wednesday, February 7, 2018 5:26 PM
Joined: 7/15/2016
Posts: 773


kellly has lots of great ideas.

 

msh7089, if you and I lived anywhere near each other, I'd come over right now and offer to take your dog. We'd tell your father it's temporary, but it wouldn't be. My future daughter-in-law sometimes dogsits. The longest we (she lives with us) dogsat a dog was for, I think it was at least 3 months. (Dog's mother was in her 70s, and needed rehab for many weeks.) Maybe ask your vet if she/he knows of any dogsitters in your area. Maybe put a poster up in the vet's office (along with the grocery store), asking if anyone can foster your dog for a while.


msh7089
Posted: Wednesday, February 7, 2018 5:31 PM
Joined: 2/7/2018
Posts: 21


Oh, I would never say I am rehoming the dog 'because' of dad. No ma'am. 

I am thinking the best way, being dad extremely rarely ever leaves the house unless I am with him, I am thinking..he does still go for his morning coffee once a week or once every two weeks. That might be the time to drop the dog off at the new owner/no kill shelter. Unfortunately, he goes so early in the morning, like 8am and he is usually home by 9am. But, where there is a will, there is a way! 

I think I could just tell him that the dog got loose somehow. Dad is so paranoid, he likely will blame me, and it is likely going to be a whole new Hades to endure, but..I agree, it is not a good situation for the dog, and even though he claims to love the dog, it is also an aggravation/agitation to dad, in the long run. Sometimes it is not what we want, but what we need. 


Eileen72
Posted: Wednesday, February 7, 2018 5:33 PM
Joined: 6/10/2017
Posts: 312


Just a suggestion...when my DH was resistant to meds and PCP was hesitant...I took several cell phone videos to show what the real deal was.  Most PCP ‘s are not as well schooled in dementia as we would like to think and DH was very good at putting on a good game face when we visited.  Those videos got me a neuro referral immediately and I never told him what kind of dr it was, just that it was a requirement for Medicare.  

My heart breaks for you.  You are in a tough spot and I know all and any suggestions made are because we care and know what you are going through.

 


Eileen72
Posted: Wednesday, February 7, 2018 5:38 PM
Joined: 6/10/2017
Posts: 312


Hate to be a pain...but you said your dad was a detective...Does he have any guns?  If so they must be removed!   ASAP.  For your protection!  We do care about you and your dad.
msh7089
Posted: Wednesday, February 7, 2018 5:42 PM
Joined: 2/7/2018
Posts: 21


I have definitely thought about  using the cell phone camera to show his bad behavior. But it;s like he has a weird 6th sense when I have grabbed my phone (even subtly and inconspicuously), and he quiets down. Then never fails, I might hold onto the phone for a while, but soon as I put it down, he starts up again. It really is like he has a 6th sense when it comes to the phone ....I guess I need to get better about it but dang it is like he "knows"...my brothers won't even vouch for his bad behavior, they think he does 'fine' for an 87 year old man..they do not live with him, though...
msh7089
Posted: Wednesday, February 7, 2018 5:53 PM
Joined: 2/7/2018
Posts: 21


Eileen72 wrote:
Hate to be a pain...but you said your dad was a detective...Does he have any guns?  If so they must be removed!   ASAP.  For your protection!  We do care about you and your dad.
Excellent point. They are locked up, but..yeah. Probably a good idea!! TY..

GemsWinner12
Posted: Wednesday, February 7, 2018 11:29 PM
Joined: 7/17/2017
Posts: 159


While you're at it, please be mindful of your own safety as well.  Keep brooms, bats, heavy large objects out of reach when you can.  He's a loose canon, and it could be you AND the sweet dog at risk.
Iris L.
Posted: Wednesday, February 7, 2018 11:53 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 15411


msh7089 wrote:
h
 

On one hand I guess if he ever does do anything to the dog, he will be GONE to a nursing home or something, as he will finally be deemed violent. 

 

 

 Msh, no nursing home or any facility will knowingly take in a patient who is violent!  You (the family) will have to get the PWD (person with dementia) stabilized BEFORE admittance to a facility.  This can be done on an outpatient basis with the local geriatric psychiatrist or geriatrician or neurologist, or in a geriatric psychiatric facility.

You already know aggression is a problem. The thing to do is to deal with it now.  There is treatment for this.


Iris L.


Iris L.
Posted: Wednesday, February 7, 2018 11:58 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 15411


msh7089 wrote:
I actually tried to get both his heart doc and his PCP to prescribe an anti-anxiety med, and for whatever reason, neither doc will prescribe something to him on the "sly," without telling him. Dad has already told both doc's he does not want to add more pills.When the anti-anxiety med was even mentioned in front of the doc, dad went basically ballistic, saying he does not want it. Can't his doc's see all of this...?? 

 

 

 

 Does your dad have a diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease?  Clearly, something is going on, and he needs a thorough medical and neurological evaluation.  There are many medical mimics of dementia, and also medications can cause people to appear to have dementia.  If he does have one of the dementias, it is better for a specialist (geriatric psychiatrist or geriatrician) to prescribe anti-anxiety medications because they may cause serious side effects in a person with poor cognition.


Iris L.

msh7089
Posted: Thursday, February 8, 2018 12:10 AM
Joined: 2/7/2018
Posts: 21


Iris L, he refuses to go for a full evaluation or anything of the sort.  The only doctors he willingly will see is his heart doctor (who won't listen to anything I say, if dad refuses an anti anxiety med, the heart doc goes along with dad). He goes to the local VA hospital and the doctor there is the same, he listens to dad and if I try to say anything, dad tells me to shut up and the doctor listens to dad. It is frustrating, like a losing battle. And because I do not have POA, there is really nothing I can do. Dad is an adult and clever enough to work the doctors that he does see. It is maddening!!!
gubblebumm
Posted: Thursday, February 8, 2018 12:26 AM
Joined: 7/12/2017
Posts: 732


Rehome the dog.  Not sure your location but there are some great senior dog rescue/foster groups that could find your dog a great home. Senior dogs do very well, and your friends were wrong to say the dog couldn't adjust.  We adopted many senior dogs and they did great.  Let dad be mad, better than a dead pet.  And ps, maybe time to think of yourself, and place dad
dayn2nite2
Posted: Thursday, February 8, 2018 6:29 AM
Joined: 6/20/2016
Posts: 1557


msh7089 wrote:
Eileen72 wrote:
Hate to be a pain...but you said your dad was a detective...Does he have any guns?  If so they must be removed!   ASAP.  For your protection!  We do care about you and your dad.
 
 
Excellent point. They are locked up, but..yeah. Probably a good idea!! TY..
Locked up isn't good enough.  Removed is what needs to be done.  Have the cops come in and take them.  Look for the hidden ones, there's always 1 of them or more.

kellly
Posted: Thursday, February 8, 2018 8:17 AM
Joined: 6/12/2015
Posts: 1133


msh, I don't know how you deal with it. The more I read about how he is, the madder it makes me. You have turned your entire life inside out for someone who is so abusive and mean to you! You're having to give up your dog, who you love, to keep it from being hurt by an abusive man who gets to make ALL the rules even about whether or not you can leave your house! He needs to get to a doc and get on medication whether he "wants to" or not! What about what YOU want? Don't you count at all? I hate to see anybody bullied around by anyone, dementia or not. There are medications that can help calm him down - he needs to be on them! Don't wait until some disaster happens. Take away the key for the guns and get them out of the house right away. He is way, way more than I would ever want to have to deal with. Somehow he has bullied you into thinking everything he is doing should be tolerated, but come on, really? You're the one taking care of him, don't you get a vote about this? What gives him the right to dictate what you need to do like this? He is scaring you into giving in about everything he wants. Yes, we all want to be kind, but being kind to someone so abusive only lets him know he can do it and get away with it and there will be no consequences to him for his mean, awful behavior to you. Get some outside help, take a break from him and your fear of him and what he might do. You need to be able to clear your head after dealing with him, and he needs to see that not everybody will put up with what he's dishing out. Anybody who told me to "shut up" at the doctor's office would find himself walking home at the very least. You should not have to put up with his behavior. He's out of control and endangering your dog - and you. Please don't wait until something terrible happens to get this dynamic calmed down. It feels like a bomb waiting to go off.
Sather56
Posted: Thursday, February 8, 2018 12:11 PM
Joined: 5/30/2016
Posts: 542


The dog probably has ben a source of comfort to you, especially dealing with the challenge of caring for your father. If the dog is vomiting in the morning, the stress is too much for him. I know you love the dog, but you also love your father. With brain failure, your father has no filter, no reasoning, no logic and no control. This will continue to get worse, sad to say. Taking care of a PWD is a very difficult task, especially if you aren't familiar with the certain behaviors that might or do occur. I would recommend reading "Understanding the Dementia Experience." It is online. The dog needs to calm environment and your focus needs to be on getting your father the care he needs.  You can also find out about behaviors by going on you tube and watch Teepa Snow videos. She is the foremost expert on dealing with PWD. 
 

 

I can assure you. There will be a day when his "show time" will go away. He will be in the "fog" of this disease.  My FIL is there right now. One stage from the end.


Iris L.
Posted: Thursday, February 8, 2018 1:10 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 15411


Msh, yes, it is maddening.  You are living in a new reality.  Everything you mention is common with the dementias.   If you cannot get your dad to a neurologist now, you may have to wait for a crisis to occur, when he will be transported to an ER by the parmedics.  Then you can ask for a neurology consultation.  In the meantime, do what you can do now to manage yourself, you sweet little dog and your household, because the crisis will  be coming.  Make preparations now.  Interview facilities now.  Read and educate yourself now.  There will be many challenges.


Iris L.


Unforgiven
Posted: Thursday, February 8, 2018 11:15 PM
Joined: 1/28/2013
Posts: 2495


I may be missing something, but why are you and your father living together?  Are you able to afford a place of your own?  Why is everyone telling you to rehome your dog, when it is your father refusing diagnosis and medical help?  No one would tell you to give up a child because there is a nasty and potentially dangerous parent in the home.  We caregivers are asked to sacrifice so much, time, privacy, freedom, health --now must it be sources of emotional comfort as well?  Just how much are we expected to give of our own souls anyway?

It seems as if we are the only class of people who are told to live with emotional and often physical abuse because it isn't the abuser's fault.  It may not be their fault (although it really is for refusing to get a diagnosis and take medical advice) but we end up just as battered.  Aren't we allowed to stand up for ourselves?


citydock2000
Posted: Thursday, February 8, 2018 11:44 PM
Joined: 9/7/2017
Posts: 407


Unforgiven, you bring up a point, there are choices to be made.  So its either keep dad at home and rehome dog (or separate the two) or keep the dog at home and rehome dad.  LOL. Seriously - it is a choice, and it sounds like placement might be a good idea for reasons beyond just the dog.  Keeping dad and the dog together and getting mad at him for being mean to the dog is the definition of insanity.
kellly
Posted: Friday, February 9, 2018 7:52 AM
Joined: 6/12/2015
Posts: 1133


THANK YOU, Unforgiven, for saying this so clearly. Caregivers do have to give up so much for the benefit of the person they care for. For me, having to give up a beloved pet, or being hit or otherwise physically or emotionally abused would be too much to ask. I guess everybody makes their own choices, but it's so sad watching so many things the care giver cares about and is attached to being slowly stripped away for the benefit of a person who will never understand or appreciate what is being done anyway.

Furthermore, rehoming/giving up the dog or moving the dad to a facility are not the only choices. Temporary foster care for the dog that could later be recovered is one option and getting that stubborn, self-centered, spoiled brat abusive dad on medication to calm him down to where his behavior is tolerable is another one. There is also pretty good potential for the dad to end up in a psych ward or even jail if his abuse goes too far and the police get involved, which is the least desirable outcome of all. 


Taking A Deep Breath
Posted: Friday, February 9, 2018 9:08 AM
Joined: 7/2/2013
Posts: 510


This post is very frustrating to me.  The dog will be put to sleep if you take it even to a no-kill shelter.  They are "no-kill" until they get full and have to make room.  The entire city only likes large dogs?  Every suggestion given is met with "that won't work because..."  Whose house is it?  His?  Leave with the dog amd let your POA brother deal with it.  If he doesn't want to, then he can come down and tell your dad that he now needs to make you POA becaise you're the one with him every day and if there was an emergency it would be best for you to have it. You can't do this or that because your dad is underfoot...exceot when he is napping or goes to coffee (by himself?) once a week or so.  If your dad is with it enough to go look for the dog at the shelter if it went "missing" or can go to coffee, etc., then he's with it enough for you to say either get on a med to help calm you down or me and the dog are leaving. Or get a full workup by your doctor or me and the dog are leaving.  He'll "rage" if you say that? Then bring out your phone to record it because he doesn't rage when you pick up your phone. You want to catch him raging? Go into a room and lock the door behind you. He'd probably bang on the door and yell and scream but not be able to see you recording it.  You could also call the police and tell them you're afraid to leave your room because your dad, who seems to be suffering from dementia, is raving at the door to the room you're locked in.  Foe the dog, look at rescues, not shelters.  Rescues can post on their Facebook pages a "courtesy" post which will go out to dog lovers who are more likely to help.  Try harder to do right by that poor dog.  You're an adult, your dad can't "do" anything to you.  Leave.  Have him removed.  Put him on a plane to your brother's.  Drive him to your brother's door, with no notice, and leave him for a week.  Then tell your brother he either helps you get your dad examined and diagnosed and treated or you're done.  Your brother can have financial POA if that works, but you need medical (only if your brother will work with you when you and the doctors agree he needs placement).
kellly
Posted: Friday, February 9, 2018 9:22 AM
Joined: 6/12/2015
Posts: 1133


Taking a Deep Breath, I agree with what you said but can also understand msh's reluctance. She is a victim of abuse, and as a survivor myself, I know what kind of bone-deep fear goes along with that role. She is likely scared to rock the boat in any way at all, including HER boat. An abuser penetrates your well-being to the point where you can end up thinking YOU'RE the problem, not the abuse, not the abuser. I think she just wants to do whatever will keep the (unkeepable) peace. We can see what we think needs to be done to fix the situation but we can't change her fears that her father has instilled in her over 9+ years of intimidation that she has been his victim of. I hope for her sake that she can get out and get AWAY from that stuff and heal but I know the level of fear involved in being able to do that. She has had to push her own wishes down for so long, it will be hard to act on them suddenly now, in spite of the increasing danger she is in. It's an awful situation to be in and even worse, it's an awful situation to try and get out of. That's the reason for my advice to contact a domestic violence agency and find out what to do before doing anything. You need to have a plan to get out and saying anything about it in advance actually makes the situation worse. After 9 years of being abused, she likely has forgotten that she has rights - like the right to live free of fear. I hope she can get the situation settled for her own benefit and hope she can manage it long enough to heal enough that she can get safe. Being in a situation like that and being so scared you don't even realize there is a way out is one of the most miserable situations I know about.
 
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