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Getting beat down
Posted: Friday, February 9, 2018 9:32 AM
Joined: 12/18/2017
Posts: 28

So, mom has always wanted to be the hero. But, she wants me to do whatever it is she had said she would do.  Along with her being controlling, it has been tough for a long time, even before the dementia diagnosis.  Today, she called and asked me to place an order for someone else, that she had told them she would do.  "It's so hard for me to hear on this phone."  I told her that person could place their own order, and she got mad at me and said that she would just do it then.  I know my mom and if I give an inch, she'll take the whole Rocky Mountains.  Should I give in every time?  I feel like I give in all the time, anyway, just to get along.  I'm getting tired of being the whooping girl. Where do I draw the line?  Believe me, it's not as simple as it sounds.


Posted: Friday, February 9, 2018 9:41 AM
Joined: 6/12/2015
Posts: 1132

momsdisappointment, personally I think you did the right thing. She volunteered to do something for somebody else, YOU did not. She volunteered you? I don't think so. You refused to do it. Good for you! It seems pretty plain to me, but I haven't lived with her for a lifetime and had to deal with it all the time. I think you saw the situation clearly and did the right thing. If she volunteers to do something, it's not ok to pass it off to someone else to fulfill her promises. If she doesn't want to do it herself, then she shouldn't volunteer. Simple. (But usually family stuff is far from being simple, no?)
Posted: Friday, February 9, 2018 9:55 AM
Joined: 11/13/2014
Posts: 2029


 My mom sounds like yours, except it's more like , Stop everything and come help me.  I did it for years and finally got burnt out and refused. Whoa Nelly!  I've heard: Well! You just paint your house! or Can't your daughter find someone else to babysit! Can't your boss call his own daughter to help him? Don't you have enough to do? ( Like take care of my step father after work.) She now lives with me and when she gets irritated with me it: I'm going home!! Like she is a guest in my house and I'm supposed to entertain her 24/7. So my vote is yes!! Tell her no and let her get huffy. lol

Posted: Friday, February 9, 2018 10:53 AM
Joined: 8/7/2017
Posts: 15

I adamantly believe in establishing boundaries and sticking to them. You have enough on your plate without having to pick up the slack on things she has agreed to do. If you do not want to do it, say no and leave it at that. If she is like my mom, eventually she will forget and move on to something else. It was frustrating for me when people would ask my mom to do things for them and I felt like I had to take it over because inevitably she would make a mistake or forget. I finally decided to let her try to take care of it and when the inevitable happened, they finally got the message not to ask her anymore. It is terrible to feel like the "whooping girl" and a lot of times it feels a no-win situation. Just do what feels right in your heart and you can't lose. Good luck!
Posted: Friday, February 9, 2018 12:21 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 16213

Well, I would not have said no. I might say that I could not get right on it but I would probably say sure. I would call the person requesting the favor and explain that your mother has dementia and to please not ask her to do things. 

Boundaries? How do you set  boundaries with someone who is cognitively impaired. Who will likely not remember the setting of the rules. Now I can understand setting boundaries for myself but it would be with the realization that change and not boundaries are the umbrella over my day.

My commitment to  care of my husband  was not limited to keeping him clean, safe and fed. It was to do my very best to provide for him emotionally as well. I think all of us need to look at the commitment we make. The big commitment not just where our LO is going to live or how many hours a week we will be oncall. A commitment that is made by us, it is our decision.

I knew it would mean changes in my life. I had no idea how many or how large. There were very hard times, great sadness and loneliness. Great responsibility. It was overwhelming at times.

Being controlled? Feeling beatened down? Very much so at times.

Thankfully you were here for me. !!!


Posted: Friday, February 9, 2018 8:35 PM
Joined: 2/9/2018
Posts: 2

Many Alzheimers patients get very controlling.   Everything needs to be done a certain way and exactly now.  Everything in their life is spinning out of control.  Its the little things that they can control that they are going to grip onto.  Maybe your mother doesn't want anyone to know she is sick and so she offers to help others as a way to show everyone she is fine.  I agree that you should try and contact this other person and explain to them the situation.  You need to take into consideration yourself as much as your mother.  If you don't take care of yourself how can you take care of someone else?
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