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TODAY'S SMILE
George K
Posted: Tuesday, April 10, 2018 6:39 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2820


Everyone visiting this site probably has a lot of stress in their life; here's a stress level indicator.

I'm not sure exactly how it works, but it is amazingly accurate. Read the full text before looking at the attachment.

The attached picture has two identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at Johns Hopkins Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored scientific study revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the two dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

Look at the attached photograph and if you find more than one or two differences, you need to take a break.

File Attachment(s):
dolphins(1)(1).jpg (38251 bytes)

George K
Posted: Tuesday, April 10, 2018 6:43 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2820


The game show “Hollywood Squares” was famous for spontaneous unrehearsed responses. Here are some of the most memorable. Host Peter Marshall was asking the questions. 

Q: If you’re going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

 Q: You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

 Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he’s really attractive, is it OK to come out directly and ask him if he’s married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

 Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

 Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I love you?”
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

 Q: What are “Do It”, “I Can Help” and “Can’t Get Enough”?
A: George Goebel: I don’t know but it’s coming from the next apartment.

 Q: Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

 Q: Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I’m too busy growing strawberries!

 Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

 Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out. 

Q: True or false: a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Goebel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting “Poo! Poo! Poo!” What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Goebel: Get it in his mouth.

 Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie “What’s The Matter With Helen?” Who plays Helen?
A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver; that’s why they asked the question.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was “one of the best things I ever did.” What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

 Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

 Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


NC caregiver
Posted: Tuesday, April 10, 2018 6:47 AM
Joined: 2/7/2018
Posts: 855


HA ha ha!  I am seriously stressed!
George K
Posted: Tuesday, April 10, 2018 6:53 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2820


An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.   He is in his mid-eighties, very well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave.  He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-seventies.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.  He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me..... do I come here often?"

 

 


George K
Posted: Wednesday, April 11, 2018 6:52 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2820


The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide.

Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school forit. 

Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Lawyer: And Mr. Johnson was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

The next day the testimony of the doctor continued. (same lawyer)

 
Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.  

Lawyer: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
Witness: We both do.
Lawyer: Voodoo?
Witness: Yes we do.
Lawyer: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.  

 Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?  

Lawyer: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?  

Lawyer: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Lawyer: What year?
Witness: Every year! 

Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?
Witness: (looking confused) Is that a question?

Lawyer: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Lawyer: What did she say?
Witness: She said 'What disco am I at?'

Lawyer: Mr. Smith, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
Witness: I went to Europe, Sir.
Lawyer: And you took your new wife?

Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

 Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?

 Lawyer: Can you describe the individual you saw?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?

 Lawyer: And where was the location of the accident?
Witness: Approximately milepost 499.
Lawyer: And where is milepost 499?
Witness: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
 

Lawyer: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Lawyer: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Witness: What do you think counselor?

 Lawyer: Did he kill you?
Witness: Excuse me counselor can you repeat the question?

 Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.

Lawyer: What happened then?

Witness: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me"

Lawyer. And did he kill you?

Witness: Yes!

 

 

Lawyer: (Showing the witness a picture) That's You?

Witness: Yes.

Lawyer: And you where present, right! When the picture was taken ?

 

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Were you alone or by yourself.

How long have you been a French Canadian?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

So you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."  


KML
Posted: Wednesday, April 11, 2018 11:30 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


Ha, well my stress level is way over the top.  I'm seeing TWO flying cows!!!!!
George K
Posted: Thursday, April 12, 2018 6:55 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2820


Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?  Have you ever wondered where they all go?

 
Wonder no more!  It is a well-established fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird and lives an extremely ordered and complex life within a well-organized community.  Penguins are extremely committed to their family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring and they will remain with their original colony throughout the remainder of their life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of their family and the social circle in their colony have been known to dig holes in the ice, using only their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into it.  The dead penguin is then buried by packing the ice back in the hole.  The final phase of the burial ceremony occurs when the male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: 

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

 

 


George K
Posted: Friday, April 13, 2018 6:17 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2820


John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.

"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

 


George K
Posted: Saturday, April 14, 2018 5:36 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2820


A young female clerk, with a penchant for wearing very short skirts, was hired by the owner of a small general store. One day, a young man entered the store and glanced at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

"I'd like some raisin bread, please," he said to the clerk.

She climbed up a ladder to reach the raisin bread which was located on the uppermost shelf, providing the man standing beneath her with an excellent view.

As she retrieved the bread, a small group of male customers had gathered around the young man, and all were looking in the same direction. Pretty soon, each one of them was asking for raisin bread, just so they could see the clerk climb up and down the ladder.

After several trips, the clerk had become tired and irritated. Stopping and fuming at the top of the ladder, she glared down at the men below and noticed an elderly man standing among them.

"Do you want a loaf of raisin bread too?" she yelled.

"No,” the old man croaked.

So the young lady descended the ladder and asked the elderly man what he wanted.

He responded, “I’d like two loaves of raisin bread please.” 


George K
Posted: Sunday, April 15, 2018 5:48 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2820


A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on the statue, the lights go out.”


Misssy2
Posted: Sunday, April 15, 2018 6:21 AM
Joined: 12/14/2017
Posts: 1727


George K wrote:
Everyone visiting this site probably has a lot of stress in their life; here's a stress level indicator.

I'm not sure exactly how it works, but it is amazingly accurate. Read the full text before looking at the attachment.

The attached picture has two identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at Johns Hopkins Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored scientific study revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the two dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

Look at the attached photograph and if you find more than one or two differences, you need to take a break.
That was NOT NICE!  LOL...I was all excited to look at the dolphins and see if I was stressed....hahaha.

George K
Posted: Monday, April 16, 2018 7:00 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2820


While making his rounds with a group of medical students, the doctor draws their attention to an x-ray.

 "As is clearly visible on the x-ray, the patient limps because her right fibula and tibia are radically arched. Simon, what would you do in a case like this?"

 "Well sir," says Simon, pondering the question, "I guess I'd limp too."


George K
Posted: Tuesday, April 17, 2018 6:29 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2820


Finally, Jack had made it to the last round of the $5,000,000 Question. The night prior to the big question, he advised the show's host that he desired a question in American History.

When the big night arrived, Jack made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He was the best guest the show had ever seen and had become the talk of the town. The host stepped up to the mic.

"Jack, for your final question you have chosen American History. If you answer this question correctly, you will walk away $5,000,000 richer. Are you ready?"

Jack nodded with a cocky confidence and the crowd went wild. He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Jack, your American History question is a two-part question. As you are already aware, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you prefer to take a stab at first?" said the host.

Jack was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he seemed to be drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he thought he'd better play it safe. "I'll try the easiest part first," he said.

The host nodded approvingly. "OK, Jack, here we go. I'll ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience held their breath with gross anticipation ...

"Jack, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"  


George K
Posted: Wednesday, April 18, 2018 6:45 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2820


 The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.

"How was work, dear? " his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "OH!  I guess it’s that time of the month again."


George K
Posted: Thursday, April 19, 2018 5:36 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2820


A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." 


George K
Posted: Friday, April 20, 2018 6:13 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2820


Q: Did you hear about the great new restaurant on the moon?
A: The food is excellent, but there's no atmosphere.

Q: Why did the cow jump over the moon?
A: Because the farmer had cold hands!

Q: Did you hear about the bones they found on the moon?
A: It seems like the cow didn’t make it.

Q: How do you know when the moon is going broke?
A: When it's down to its last quarter.

 
Q: Why does the Moon orbit the Earth?
A: To get to the other side?

Q: What did the moon say to his therapist?
A: I'm just going through a phase.

Q: What do you call a clock on the moon?
A: A lunartick.

Q: How does a man on a moon get his haircut?
A: Eclipse it.

Q: What do you get when you take green cheese and divide its circumference by its diameter?
A: Moon pi.

Q: How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
A: He Apollo-gises.

Q: What was the name of the first satellite to orbit the Earth?
A: The moon.

Q: What do moon people do when they get married?
A: They go off on their honeyearth!

Q: Why wasn't the moon hungry?
A: Because it was full!

Q: Why is an astronaut like a football player?
A: They both want touchdowns!

Q: Why did the moon burp?
A: Because it was full.
  


gubblebumm
Posted: Friday, April 20, 2018 8:17 AM
Joined: 7/12/2017
Posts: 1774


Thank You!!!!
only1bones
Posted: Friday, April 20, 2018 8:53 AM
Joined: 4/29/2017
Posts: 111


I literally busted out laughing at this and I needed it prior to anticipating the stress of taking my mom to the memory care doc in 5 minutes!  Thank you!
George K
Posted: Saturday, April 21, 2018 7:23 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2820


A ham sandwich walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."


George K
Posted: Sunday, April 22, 2018 5:57 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2820


Some Earth Day humor… 

Q: What did Obi Wan Kenobi say to the tree?
A: May the Forest be with you.

Q: What is a tree's least favorite month?
A: Sep-timber! 

Q: Why are people always tired on Earth Day?
A: Because they just finished a March

Q: How do trees get on the internet?
A: They log in. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


'I have an obsession with wind farms.'
'Really?'
'Yes. I'm a huge fan.' 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 

 
A woman called her husband during the day and asked him to pick up some organic vegetables for that night's dinner on his way home.

The husband arrived at the store and began to search all over for organic vegetables before finally asking the produce guy where they were.

The produce guy didn't know what he was talking about, so the husband said: "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?"

To which the produce guy replied, "No, sir, you’ll have to do that yourself."

  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her organic vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her organic tomatoes to ripen.

Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red organic tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.

"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect organic garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.

Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked, "any luck with your tomatoes?"

"No," she replied excitedly... "but you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I’ll be away for a few weeks.


just exhibit Love
Posted: Sunday, April 22, 2018 12:22 PM
Joined: 12/6/2011
Posts: 681


Twenty Years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steven Jobs..

Now we have No Cash, No Hope, and No Jobs...

Please don't Let Kevin Bacon Die.

Namaste

Love Rosie


DavidTX
Posted: Tuesday, April 24, 2018 10:07 AM
Joined: 2/28/2014
Posts: 448


 

Murgatroyd, remember that word? Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize the word Murgatroyd?

   Heavens to Murgatroyd!

   Lost Words from our childhood: Words gone as fast as the buggy whip! Sad really!

   The other day a not so elderly lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said “What the heck is a Jalopy?"

   OMG (new phrase)!

   He never heard of the word jalopy! She knew she was old.... but not that old.

   Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.

   About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology.

   These phrases included "Don't touch that dial," "Carbon copy," "You sound like a broken record" and "Hung out to dry."

   Back in the olden days we had a lot of 'moxie.' We’d put on our best 'bib and tucker' to 'straighten up and fly right'.

   Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehoshaphat! Holy moley!

   We were 'in like Flynn' and 'living the life of Riley'.

   Even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!

   Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell?

   Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.… of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, penny loafers, and pedal pushers… AND DON’T FORGET… Saddle Stitched Pants

   Oh, my aching back! Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.

   We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, Well, I'll be 'a monkey's uncle!'

   Or, This is a 'fine kettle of fish'!

   We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

   Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind

   We blink, and they're gone. Where have all those great phrases gone?

   Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it. Hey! It's your nickel..

   Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty.

   I'll see you in the funny papers. Don't take any wooden nickels. Wake up and smell the roses.

   It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills.

   This can be disturbing stuff! ("Carter's Little Liver Pills" are gone too!)

   We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeable times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once existed… and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory.

   It's one of the greatest advantages of aging.

   Leaves us to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth…

   See ya later, alligator!

   Okidoki

   WE ARE THE CHILDREN OF THE FABULOUS 50'S.

   NO ONE WILL EVER HAVE THAT OPPORTUNITY AGAIN…

   WE WERE GIVEN ONE OF OUR MOST PRECIOUS GIFTS:

   OUR MEMORIES, until we age out of them!!

 


DavidTX
Posted: Thursday, April 26, 2018 8:13 AM
Joined: 2/28/2014
Posts: 448


I realize this won't be appreciated by all.

Men Teaching Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By February 28, 2018

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .
 
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs. beginning at 7:00 PM.
 
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
 
Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
 
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
 
Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
 
Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
 
Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum
..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
 
Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
 
Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
 
Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
 
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.
 
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Send this to all your guy friends for the best chuckle of their day...
And to all your gal friends who have a sense of humor!
 
From Guys in the Witness Protection Program



 

 


Gryzio
Posted: Thursday, April 26, 2018 8:45 AM
Joined: 4/16/2018
Posts: 10


It looks like one is male and the other female?
ruthmendez
Posted: Thursday, April 26, 2018 10:36 AM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2339


Need to enroll in class # 11.
DavidTX
Posted: Friday, April 27, 2018 8:32 AM
Joined: 2/28/2014
Posts: 448


 

Why Some Men have Dogs and Not Wives
 

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1.  The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.



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2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.



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3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.



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4. A dog's parents never visit.



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5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.



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6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.



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7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.



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8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.



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9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"




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10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.



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11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.



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12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.



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13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.



And last, but not least:



14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
 
 
 
To test this theory:  Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an
hour.  Then open it and see who's happy to see you!

 


DavidTX
Posted: Sunday, April 29, 2018 8:52 AM
Joined: 2/28/2014
Posts: 448


 

 
THE PULITZER COLONOSCOPY
 
ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
 
Colonoscopy. Journal:
 
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
 
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
 
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
 
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
 
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
 
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
 
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
 
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
 
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
 
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
 
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
 
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
 
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
 
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
 
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
 
 
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
 
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
 
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
 
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
 
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...
 
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
 
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
 
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
 
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
 
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
 
1. Take it easy Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.
 
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
 
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
 
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
 
5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
 
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
 
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
 
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
 
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
 
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
 
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
 
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay'
 
And the best one of all:
 
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
 

 

 


DavidTX
Posted: Tuesday, May 1, 2018 8:46 AM
Joined: 2/28/2014
Posts: 448


 APHORISM:  “A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE THAT EXPRESSES A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH.


1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humour you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
 
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conferences are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at school reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12.  There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 am; for example, it could be the right number.

 

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

14 I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print, there's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

18. Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Jaguar than in a Ford.

19. After 60 if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind and the ones that mind don't matter.

21. Life isn't tied with a bow but it's still a gift.
 

And remember: "Politicians and nappies should be changed often ... and for the same reason"

 


DavidTX
Posted: Saturday, May 5, 2018 10:42 AM
Joined: 2/28/2014
Posts: 448


I think I might have screwed up. Several of us local retired pilots were asked to address a junior high gathering put on by the PTA. I was the only speaker to show up, so I had the stage to myself. I talked about staying in school, getting good grades and all that usual bull$hit; and since I had plenty of time because those other guys didn't show, I threw it open for questions.

The last one asked was, "Can you give us a couple of your life's philosophical beliefs?”

I said, “That's an easy one. Looking back over my almost 7 decades, I believe I've spent close to 90% of my earnings on booze and whores. The rest I just wasted."

I was escorted out without getting to finish my last two rules to live by:

1) If it flies, floats, or screws, it's cheaper to rent it.

2) If it's got boobs or tires, you're gonna have problems with it.

I hope they invite me back next year so I can finish.

They need to know this stuff!



Stylus
Posted: Sunday, May 6, 2018 5:58 AM
Joined: 2/2/2018
Posts: 4


Thank you, George!
DavidTX
Posted: Monday, May 7, 2018 8:04 AM
Joined: 2/28/2014
Posts: 448


God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. 
Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Texas, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Texas are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, humorous, but proud and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "I will create Washington, DC. Wait till you see the fools I put there."

 


George K
Posted: Tuesday, May 8, 2018 9:30 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2820


Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.  As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up.  

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some old senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."  

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, What are you selling here?"  

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a$$-holes."  

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well…only two left."


George K
Posted: Wednesday, May 9, 2018 5:48 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2820


 

A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.


He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago."Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out.


"What do you have there?" his mother asked.


With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

 


George K
Posted: Thursday, May 10, 2018 4:56 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2820


A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"

"No," her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!" exclaimed the girl.

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush," said her mother.

After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes," the little girl replied.

"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" her mother asked.

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick’." 


George K
Posted: Friday, May 11, 2018 5:43 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2820


On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.

 


 
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