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regrets
jfkoc
Posted: Sunday, July 8, 2018 11:32 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 15328


The concept of regret has come into my thoughts this morning. Bottom line thought is that if I truly do "my best" I will not entertain "guilt" but will experience regret because  with more information I would have acted differently.
Jo C.
Posted: Sunday, July 8, 2018 12:58 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 8926


Judith, that is absolutely brilliant and I take your wisdom to heart and reshaping my thinking.  Thank you for sharing that; there is a huge difference between unwarranted guilt and regret as you have framed it.

J.


ruthmendez
Posted: Sunday, July 8, 2018 7:31 PM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 1324


I hope I don't suffer with guilt.....I can imagine I'll have some regrets....I'm wondering if we all end up having some regret?
jfkoc
Posted: Monday, July 9, 2018 10:00 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 15328


My biggest regret is that what I know now I did not know then....
chrisp1653
Posted: Monday, July 9, 2018 4:41 PM
Joined: 1/23/2017
Posts: 1018


jfkoc, unless you were to flatline in your learning curve, then it stands to reason that if you knew then what you know now, you would still know more now, and so possibly endure the same regrets. I like to think that if I can look back and say, with honesty, that I made the best decisions I could with the information I had, then even though I may have regrets as to the outcome, I accept it as a matter of life, and move on. On the other hand, when I have spoken, or done some act, out of anger, or malice, then  my regrets, and even some guilt, are more deeply entrenched. However, it's still a part of life, and I accept it and try to use the experience as part of my growing into a better person.
jfkoc
Posted: Monday, July 9, 2018 7:10 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 15328


that is exactly what I mean
ruthmendez
Posted: Wednesday, July 11, 2018 10:49 PM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 1324


Share a guilt: That I didn't have more patience for my dad earlier in his disease.  That I was unkind.

Share a regret: That I didn't educate myself more.


jfkoc
Posted: Thursday, July 12, 2018 1:07 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 15328


oh, Ruth....does anyone have the real amount of patience it takes?
chrisp1653
Posted: Thursday, July 12, 2018 1:33 PM
Joined: 1/23/2017
Posts: 1018


jfkoc - probably not. There isn't any way to quantitatively work out how much patience is needed. I can't speak for anyone else, but for me, it's a series of steps, as I lose my patience, mentally berate myself, set a new goal, and discover new levels of comfort. That's just for today, of course, since tomorrow will find me with new issues to contend with. It's pretty much never ending.
Last Dance
Posted: Friday, July 13, 2018 8:25 AM
Joined: 5/2/2013
Posts: 218


Regrets & Guilt go hand in hand, and is just another thing that tears at our heart and mind as we enter stage 8. As jfkoc said I will not entertain "guilt" but will experience regret because with more information I would have acted differently.

The sad part of all of this, is that I have learned more since Linda passed away then when I was taking care of her. Maybe it’s because I have more time to be on this board, or more time to just sit and think about what was happing at that time. Everyday day I tell myself that I was a good care giver, and I did the best that I could. However because I tend to be a perfectionist my best should have been 100% not the 98% that it was. The sad part about life is that we tend to think about our mistakes and not about our accomplishments.
Jim Broede
Posted: Monday, July 16, 2018 10:57 AM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 4844


jfkoc wrote:
My biggest regret is that what I know now I did not know then....

I don't regret learning the truth. --Jim


Jim Broede
Posted: Monday, July 16, 2018 3:40 PM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 4844


Last Dance wrote:

Regrets & Guilt go hand in hand, and is just another thing that tears at our heart and mind as we enter stage 8. As jfkoc said I will not entertain "guilt" but will experience regret because with more information I would have acted differently.

The sad part of all of this, is that I have learned more since Linda passed away then when I was taking care of her. Maybe it’s because I have more time to be on this board, or more time to just sit and think about what was happing at that time. Everyday day I tell myself that I was a good care giver, and I did the best that I could. However because I tend to be a perfectionist my best should have been 100% not the 98% that it was. The sad part about life is that we tend to think about our mistakes and not about our accomplishments.

Best to turn mistakes into learning experiences. Then they no longer qualify as mistakes. --Jim


just exhibit Love
Posted: Monday, July 16, 2018 4:52 PM
Joined: 12/6/2011
Posts: 602


Judith

Yes my friend...We Live We Learn.

Namaste

Love Rosie


markus8174
Posted: Sunday, July 22, 2018 7:56 AM
Joined: 1/25/2018
Posts: 119


Not dementia specific, but I've tried to live my life as free of regret as I could. My father always wanted to be his own boss, but ended up working for his former partner. He always wanted to travel, but never left the country (or the I75 corridor for that matter). I can't count the number of times in the twilight of his life he bemoaned his lost opportunities to live his life to the fullest.  I didn't want to spend my senior years loaded down with "I wish we had...." Instead, I'm loaded down caring for someone with the burden of AD. At least I have the memories of all we did together. The house may never be paid off, my estate is not going to allow my children to retire early.  I just think how much worse my life would  be if we had scrimped and saved to enjoy our retirement to the fullest. Travel is out of the question. At some point soon I'll be faced with liquidating my assets to pay for extended memory/nursing home care. That wouldn't be different if I had an extra quarter million in the bank. What would be different is I wouldn't have a bank of memories of good times to sustain me through these difficult times.

   "Gather rosebuds while ye may"!


ExpressoTime
Posted: Monday, July 23, 2018 8:18 PM
Joined: 3/11/2018
Posts: 503


Maybe I should run screaming from this thread. I was less than stellar and not quite angelic a few times in life...but all we have is today, fine people. Look out at life, enjoy it, you are alive! It is fleeting...alz so teaches us that.
 
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