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Just a vent..
Eric L
Posted: Monday, December 3, 2018 12:43 PM
Joined: 12/5/2014
Posts: 957

So just a caveat.. my BIL is big on "50/50" with my wife (his sister obviously) with care for their Mom..

On Friday night, my oldest kiddo had a soccer game at 7:30. We told BIL that we probably wouldn't be home until around 9 (give or take). When we got home, he took off like a bat out of hell and didn't say a word to us. He thought we were supposed to be home by 8:30, but even so, he was a jerk (and we told him multiple times that we would be home by 9). My wife was really kind of upset. In general, he leaves on Friday in the early evening and we don't see him until Sunday afternoon. For the most part, we deal with it, but obviously when someone is being an absolute turd like he was on Friday night, it bugs us. I think my wife was ready to strangle him on Friday night. If you break down the hours, even by 1/3rds (to be fair, it should be 1/2) he still isn't pulling his share.

I don't really need advice.. I just wanted to vent.

Posted: Monday, December 3, 2018 12:53 PM
Joined: 11/3/2018
Posts: 118

Please vent anytime you need to. While I haven't had this exact scenario happen to me, I've had plenty of others equally frustrating and venting here to sympathetic people is much more useful than screaming into a pillow.
Posted: Monday, December 3, 2018 1:46 PM
Joined: 3/8/2018
Posts: 687

Would texting your brother ahead of time to let him know your plans and timeframe help remove the "Oh, I thought you said...." problem? (this is how I do things with my boss, an email every time so I have it in writing what I said vs what she "remembers". And yes, sucks to have to treat a family member like an employee)
Eric L
Posted: Monday, December 3, 2018 2:01 PM
Joined: 12/5/2014
Posts: 957

Sel - It's a nice thought, but we let him know several times in the week leading up to it that we would more than likely be home at 9. t wasn't a secret. Game time was 7:30, it started on time. We beat feet out of there as soon as the game was over. We told him every darned time that we mentioned it that we would be home by 9 (and thank goodness we didn't tie and have a shoot out). He's single and has zero commitments. He was going to hang out with his friends. I'm not giving him the benefit of the doubt on this one. Heck, if he had a date, I would have understood.

Our biggest issue with this is that he kind of takes us for granted. He's usually gone from Friday - Sunday afternoon and whatever comes up during that time, my wife and I have to figure it out. Even if we were running late that night (and we weren't), his actions were not appropriate.
Posted: Monday, December 3, 2018 2:39 PM
Joined: 12/24/2016
Posts: 186

Eric, I get it. 

I used to be so close to my sister, but sadly, this caregiving road has really fractured our relationship. I really thought that my sister and I had the same goals and values; but this caregiving journey has shown that not to be the case. Now I am just pleasantly surprised when my sister pulls through for any little bit of help because I know that generally I can't count on her. Better than nothing, I have decided, but disappointing none-the-less. Funny thing is that she has no clue how my views on our relationship have been damaged. I just go through the motions with her now, exchanging pleasantries, etc., while inside I am seething.

Eric L
Posted: Monday, December 3, 2018 3:02 PM
Joined: 12/5/2014
Posts: 957

Deanna - I still like my BIL alot. It's just when he pulls the crap that he did on Friday that I want to strangle him. It didn't matter if we were home at 8:30, 9:30, or midnight. Regardless, he was going to be gone from the time he left until Sunday afternoon. The hours that we have to cover during the weekend dwarf his concerns about being us being 30 minutes late (though we weren't)..

I'll just add this for color... a few years back when my FIL (he passed) was going through chemo, my wife got a jury duty summons. Long story short, my BIL (a grown a** man that is a teacher), threw a goddamned fit when my wife said she might have to report to jury duty instead of taking her dad to chemo... Like, stormed out the house and he was in his 30s. I would have lit into my own kids for doing that..

My BIL has alot of very wonderful qualities. He's just kind of a selfish jerk, sometimes..
Posted: Monday, December 3, 2018 3:34 PM
Joined: 2/3/2018
Posts: 330

Haha! Okay, Eric L, I'm gonna add my vent too... that sister of mine is so darn* rude sometimes. She shows up here already acting like she's pissed off at me, doesn't say "Hi", barely responds when I greet her, and ignores me both verbally and with eye contact for a day or two. Happens ALL. THE. TIME.

I wait it out. Eventually she wanders downstairs for a glass of wine after Mom goes to bed, but some times I just wanna shake her and scream "It's not my fault Mom has dementia and you're here! So stop being pissed at me!"

But, we're lucky we've got siblings shouldering the burden so I keep my mouth shut. Although some times... I really wanna pop her one!

Eric L
Posted: Tuesday, December 4, 2018 10:57 AM
Joined: 12/5/2014
Posts: 957

Lickety - That's kind of my wife's complaint with her brother. He acts like he is the only person in the house that has to deal with deal with his father's death or his mother's dementia. It's not even my Mom and I spend more hours taking care of her than anyone else. So yes, while he is losing his Mom, I shoulder a good deal of the burden in regards to care.
D in law
Posted: Tuesday, December 4, 2018 3:25 PM
Joined: 4/24/2017
Posts: 500

I hear you Eric, I'm not liking the in law syndrome.  Bless you for all you do and supporting your wife,  AND your bil too actually. If it's any consolation, be glad he's even willing to help out although he can be a jerk at times!   Best wishes
Posted: Tuesday, December 4, 2018 4:17 PM
Joined: 9/7/2017
Posts: 779

Hahah - i know it's not the grievance olympics but I do find myself stuck on "A brother in law who helps? "

LOL.  This disease and caregiving just stresses everyone out.  I find myself not behaving quite like myself sometimes and (over)reacting to things that used to roll off my back. I try to remind myself, everyone is just doing their best.  Sometimes their best seems like not enough (!) but I'm sure mine does too sometimes.  

Stress makes us all a little crazy. 

Posted: Wednesday, December 5, 2018 4:26 AM
Joined: 3/6/2017
Posts: 1403

I hear you Eric.

They say it takes a village; sorry you got stuck with the village idiot.
Eric L
Posted: Wednesday, December 5, 2018 12:41 PM
Joined: 12/5/2014
Posts: 957

Harshed - He's really not the village idiot. He actually has a ton of redeeming qualities. Dare I say, he's actually a pretty decent human being. It's just when stuff like that happens on Friday, it shows a lack of respect for our time.

A bit of backstory.. The wife and I decided to move in with her parents for a year to save money (she bought a condo in the height of the silly era in 2005 and when the market crashed, we got stuck with it) to buy a house in our current neighborhood. We both worked out this way, so it just made sense. Shortly after we moved in, we found out my wife was pregnant (surprise!) and a few months after that, my FIL was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. At that point we kind of realized that our short stay was going to be a bit longer than we anticipated. We decided that our best move would be to let go of the condo and figure things out from there.

A few years into it, I quit my job (I hated it from the get go, but I got my first teaching gig in 2010 and at point - beggars can't be choosers.. the economy was so bad that I was just glad to get interviews most of the time). Since the fall of 2014, I've been a stay at home Dad. It was only supposed to be a short "get a breather, find a better job sort of thing, get my head right, etc" Except, MIL was diagnosed with dementia and my staying at home became longer term thing.

As most of you already know, those first couple of years were relatively easy. She was able to take care of herself, I could really come and go as I pleased and the kids were the first priority. It's only been in the last couple of years that things have been more complicated. In that time, my wife and I have ended up shouldering most of the burden for her care.
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