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Changing alternate DPOA/Health Care Proxy?
We set up a plan to meet with him with an Alzheimer's Association care consultant, and one from our local Independence Center, too. However, he is rejecting this, saying the "first steps" to "restarting" are to have a conversation (without the professional helpers) about redefining roles, and we provide him with a detailed health and financial report. This attitude of continuing to ignore her wishes or even discuss anything that might help HER is pretty upsetting, and, honestly, makes us concerned that, were the two of us (myself and my husband) suddenly hit by a bus, she might be vulnerable to being taken advantage of by her own son. Its depressing to even think about, but, five years of not doing so much as sending a Christmas card is a pretty large amount of evidence of not caring about somebody. We are wondering about what the process might be to go to a court and present the estrangement (she has been living in memory care and nursing home facilities, so, impartial others could document his lack of involvement or care) and name somebody else-- possibly even her lawyer-- as alternate POA/health care proxy, just to be safe? Brother-in-law just seems so focused on her money, and so uncaring about her health or well-being; also, he has odd "fringe medicine" views and doesn't really accept AD as real, thinks it is a nutritional imbalance.... Anybody have to do this ever? I do have a call in to her lawyer....
1. you need to talk a lawyer about this. We can all speculate but at the end of the day, you'll need legal counsel.
Honestly, I would probably not engage with the brother at this point. Why? To curry his favor, to let him manipulate the situation? He wants to "redefine" roles? The roles seem pretty clear.
2. You may need to just do what you're going to do now, let him deal with it, and let go of the unlikely outcome that you and your husband die before she does. He's her son, he appointed her - the cards will play like they play. He may take money, but it's also unlikely he'll leave her out in the street. She chose this. She knew who he was.
3. Can you, as POA, set up a trust that clearly states what the money is to be used for? This may prevent unfettered access to her money while she is alive and has greater reporting requirements that may protect your mom.
A detailed financial and health report? Ugh. go see you mom, see how she's doing, ask about her medications, anything big going on? That's a health report. She has a cash account w and a retirement account with x. There you go. Financial report.
The idea that you're going to be preparing detailed report because he isn't or hasn't been around is ridiculous. Want to know something? Ask.
What citydock said.
You are wasting your energy barking up the wrong tree. Go see a Certified Elder Law Attorney (CELA) who can position the money in the safest vehicle possible for your MIL (trust, type of account title, etc). That way if your husband were to die there would still be protected guardrail around the money.
Even if MIL were early enough in the disease to re-do a POA< you are rocking a stable boat for an unlikely circumstance. Trying to execute a new POA could easily result in the BIL being named because he intimidated his Mom, then you guys are OUT of the decision making and control of her care $$.
Don't love the idea of an attorney as a POA, surely you can see the frank conflict of interest there? Plenty of tales of financial fraud and upbilling, or even for the most pure of heart you are simply a file on the desk amidst a busy business. And you'll pay plenty for it too.
Arrange for the Certified Elder Law Attorney you hire to hold one - yes ONE family meeting to answer any questions or concerns BIL has. All attend and you present to BIL as "we understand your concerns and we've hired a CELA to make sure things are done right for Mom".
Your husband does not have to answer to him for finances but should be happy to answer any questions or offer to show BIL an annual statement if he would like.
Of course, be aware, BIL is not going to be happy no matter what, but the CELA will set up reasonable guidelines for you