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How far to go with fibbing?
Posted: Thursday, April 11, 2019 10:34 PM
Joined: 4/29/2016
Posts: 16

Since I placed my better half in memory care 2 months ago, I sometimes forget how hard it was to care for him 24/7.  He constantly wants to come home, enlisting everyone he comes in contact with this quest.  When I visit him once or twice weekly, his continuing quest is to get his banker, his Marine Corp League, or a lawyer involved in springing him.  He has even requested the family members to picket outside his window for his release.  He is also concerned because I recently got him into another Medicare Advantage plan that is in place at the facility.  He wants to know how this happened.  Because he has a history of going into rages, I pretend ignorance of signing the paperwork for this.  I also go along (only verbally) with his requests to contact the above mentioned rescuers.  But it leaves me feeling guilty.  I think that because I no longer take care of him 24/7, I have forgotten how hard it was to deal with him. I have thought about bringing him home again even though I know it is not possible. Everybody says this is normal?  I am losing sleep over this.
Posted: Thursday, April 11, 2019 11:08 PM
Joined: 11/13/2014
Posts: 2114

I'm so sorry that your dealing with this. My mom wanted to go home, no matter where she was at. Just keep fibbing. That's all you can do. I actually "sprung" my mom thinking she will have better behaviors. It was 11 months of stress!! She passed on last Sept and I miss her so much. We all feel needless guilt. Think about your own health. I'm still not recovered. I have daily heart palps now. I have had heart palps since I was 32 but they are soo much worse after that stress. I told my mom tomorrow, it's too cold out, no one is home right now, we can go tomorrow. Watch a Teepa Snow video on the subject. She is a gem.  Deb
Eric L
Posted: Friday, April 12, 2019 12:59 AM
Joined: 12/5/2014
Posts: 1026

My MIL wanted to go home yesterday to see her mother. I eventually ended up telling her that if she kept cursing and yelling at me that I was going to tell her mother about her awful behavior when she came to pick her up in the morning. Her mother passed when my wife was in high school (almost 25 years ago) and MIL has lived in this house for 20 years. I think on the scale of ‘fibbing’, I told a gigantic one compared to you.
King Boo
Posted: Friday, April 12, 2019 7:04 AM
Joined: 1/9/2012
Posts: 2977

The best answer is the one that brings the most comfort.

No matter what it is.

The flip side of this is that telling the truth to make yourself feel better is truly selfish, for the person you are talking to no longer has the ability to reason - it is fractured beyond repair.

I might suggest if he is obsessive and upset about these topics, a Geriatric Psychiatrist familiar with dementia patients might be able to help.  A very low dose of anti-anxiety medication turned things around for the positive for us

Posted: Friday, April 12, 2019 7:13 AM
Joined: 4/4/2016
Posts: 153

Phoenixjs, I am with Kingboo....where ever you take your loved one back to they will not be happy there and you will be miserable. My dmil has only lived in 2 homes her whole 85 years, her childhood home, which she left when she married my dfil at 21 yo and the house she still lives in (so she has lived at her current home 61+ years). She wants to go HOME! She means her childhood home....Clearly, I think what the pwd wants is to return to a place where they felt comfortable, and they did not "feel" like they feel now, with dementia/Alzheimers. Obviously I can not take her back in time as well as place. I can not revive her parents and brother and make her 12 yo again....never mind return her childhood home to her. I suspect that your loved one also wants to return to an earlier time as well as place. Repeat, repeat, repeat any ideas on why it can't be today. I know it is difficult due to the repeat cycles. My dmil used to have about a 5 min repeat of wanting to go home. I would just pick a reason we could not go, roads were closed, it is too cold out, it is dark, they are working on the house.....repeat again and again. "Lucky" she seems to have mostly moved on from this and has progressed to almost stage 7 and is currently on hospice. so eventually is does slow and stop. You are doing the right thing for them, they just don't understand that.



Posted: Friday, April 12, 2019 9:36 PM
Joined: 4/29/2016
Posts: 16

He is on Seroquel twice daily, not sure of the dosage as they have already increased it once in the last month.  also doubled his anti depression medicine.  He was very angry and pushed his walker into one of the caregivers and called them names.  He is much calmer now, just keeps obsessing and wanting out.
Posted: Friday, April 12, 2019 9:40 PM
Joined: 4/29/2016
Posts: 16

I guess I will have to become more inventive with my stories.  I know I can't bring him home.  Thanks for your support and suggestions.
Posted: Saturday, April 13, 2019 12:28 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 3908

phoenixjs wrote:
I guess I will have to become more inventive with my stories.  I know I can't bring him home.  Thanks for your support and suggestions.

Lie like an Oriental Rug.  When he asks to go home, say "What a great idea!  I can't do it today, because I have to get the movers scheduled, but I bet I could do it in about 2 weeks."  Shuts down the conversation and, of course, he'll forget what you said, so you can use the same story next time he asks.  I used this same technique with my mom when she asked to go home.  Once she heard I agreed she should go home and would take her in a week or so, she'd be satisfied and wander off and do something else.  

Posted: Saturday, April 13, 2019 2:00 PM
Joined: 9/18/2018
Posts: 39

My problem with fibbing is that I never know when mom is actually going to remember something she was told previously. So when she says she wants to go "home" (her childhood home is just down the street from her current home) we've can tell her can't can't for some reason and she says, "Oh yes. My parents are dead and strangers live there." Then 5 minutes later she insists on going to see her parents down the road. You never know quite which way she's going to swing and whether what you tell her is going to set off an anger episode or not.

It's not easy to keep the fibs straight or go with the flow some days...

- Holly

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