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Need a fib quickly please!
mostlyme
Posted: Saturday, April 13, 2019 2:41 PM
Joined: 12/17/2018
Posts: 104


Hi all,

I'm bringing my mother over to my house for tea this afternoon (she lives in a facility).  This usually goes well but she has really amped up her talk of 'going home' and is very distracted with that.  Last time she was here, she asked if I was taking her home when I was taking her back.  After much distracting (which didn't work that well), I finally said yes and took her back to the facility.  She must have forgotten (and needed to pee) so I got away with it.

Her new thing when I'm at the facility visiting is that she starts leaving with me.  She wants me to drop her off at 'home' 'which is just around the corner'.  I have learned to tell her that I'm going downtown to work which is the opposite direction and then to event for the evening so I can't take her today.  Tomorrow...  She understands and is OK with that.

What I'm worried about, is if, when I bring her back today, she insists on being dropped off at home, or won't get out of the car at the facility??

Why this is important... 

We are moving her to MC on Monday.  The plan is for her to come over here for lunch while the others move her room.  Then comes the phone call from them when her room is ready and I tell her the fib that 'good news, a water pipe broke in the hallway of where your room is so they've moved you to a different section.  This is the BEST place to be!  There's so much more to do, lots of music, really nice people and it's right next door to me!'  And off we go...

So I need to practice having her come to my house so it's not a big deal on THE DAY.

Maybe I'm just worrying for nothing.  But I'd love to be armed with a fib that resonates with me for today.

Thanks!


King Boo
Posted: Saturday, April 13, 2019 2:56 PM
Joined: 1/9/2012
Posts: 2891


For a MC eligible PWD, the idea of a 'practice' run does not make sense.  Every day is different.  What works one day won't another.  She is unlikely to remember, you are likely to upset the apple cart and have an issue.

So.....here's how to spin it.    Call - I cannot come today, I will be by Monday and we'll have lunch, OK?

I don't know why the planning for all scenario involves taking her OUT of the facility, challenging at the best of times.  You could just as easily go for an ice cream on the facility deck in the other wing and tell the same very good fiblet you have prepared.

Taking her out is going to ramp UP the fixation.

When I moved my LO, I told him we were moving to a new room with better quality staff and a most excellent chef.  "The helps better, you deserve it!"  I didn't have to use the extra details.  You may need them, but keep it simple - without going out.


mostlyme
Posted: Saturday, April 13, 2019 8:26 PM
Joined: 12/17/2018
Posts: 104


It sounds like you've had issues with taking your LO out.

My mother loves it and it brightens her mood for days.  My concern was taking her back if she starts to focus on going home.  She didn't.

I brought her here.  We had a great time and I took her back without incident.  So no fiblet needed.

I found out why she has been fixated on 'going home'.  In this facility, they have a monthly newsletter.  The independent side and the cognizant residents in AL all read it.  They have a list of the people who are leaving that month.  My mother's name was there.  I will be speaking with them about that.  They knew that it was to be kept from my mother but that was an oversight.  

Twice on the way out to the car we were stopped with 'Oh hi, I read that you are leaving!'  One lady wouldn't let it go.  'Oh no, we're just going for tea at my house'.  'Oh but it said her name on the list of those leaving'.  'No, that's a mistake.'  joke, joke, ha, ha...

So for my mother, bringing her to my house doesn't ramp up her fixation, it seems to calm it.  She comes to life and is more cognizant.  Taking her out with a lot of activity wouldn't be good - but we won't do that.

Maybe a practice run doesn't make sense, but it made me feel better.


MN Chickadee
Posted: Saturday, April 13, 2019 8:36 PM
Joined: 9/7/2014
Posts: 716


I have to agree with King Boo. If she is perpetually worried about going home, whatever that may mean, then taking her out of her environment is to be avoided. In my LO's case, a trial run would have been completely useless. 

I would look at getting enough people to make moving her room faster if necessary, either get friends or hire a company, so that it's as fast as possible and you don't need to take her to totally new surroundings. Remember to approach it from her perspective. Simple, low stress, low stimulation. Routine routine routine. 


zauberflote
Posted: Saturday, April 13, 2019 9:15 PM
Joined: 10/24/2018
Posts: 104


MostlyMe I hear you saying that your LO gets lots of *pleasure and peace of heart* from visiting your home. She’s like my mom. I won’t take away our travels until I absolutely have to. I can’t actually bring her to my current house any more bc getting her up the uphill walkway and  8 brick steps almost killed us both. She is much weaker than in October. But she LIVES for “getting out of this place” although she rarely says those words. Out is the best place and she doesn’t much care where. She gets a good mood that lasts until the next time I see her. So I am currently all for you having mom to visit you. It pleases both of you! Pleasure is where it’s at in my book. 

And you even sound alot like me! Preparing for every eventuality... when we had to move mom from then only hometown she’d known in her 22 years of widowhood to my hometown, I even wrote her a social story to help her prepare. Of course it only benefited until she saw that she was to LIVE there, not visit. But I am much more comfortable having tried in my mind to address possible mishaps and have a pocketful of possible fixes. So far we’re fine. 

I think publishing names of “leavers” in a newsletter is downright cruel! What ever makes them think that’s a good idea?!?!

I hope your afternoon today went ok. I’ll be thinking of you Monday. I think staff at MC may be very helpful when you arrive. And whether it goes well or not, it will have gone. (Of course there’s still the fallout, but for that, One Day At A Time.


mostlyme
Posted: Sunday, April 14, 2019 12:32 PM
Joined: 12/17/2018
Posts: 104


It looks like my fiblet is a good one... it worked on you!

I will be telling my mother that she is being moved to another section due to a broken water pipe, but in reality she is moving to a completely different facility.  Taking her to my house will give the illusion that I am bringing her back but it will be a different facility.

I have planned it on the day that they have the same music therapist playing as the one she has come to her current facility.  She loves him.  We'll participate in that and then go to her room which is set up as close as possible to her old one.  There will still be an adjustment but the increase in activities at this facility will help a lot I think.

zauberflote, I always prepare for worst case scenerio so I'm not thrown when something happens.  I guess that comes from years of teaching high school.  My mother is quite active so she gets antsy if she stays in the facility too much.  I hear you about the stairs.  My mother can't do our stairs anymore either.  Thankfully, we can bring her through the garage and then visit in the finished basement with a heater on.  Unfortunately no bathroom down there but that's a good reason to take her back. 

This is what I came up with as a solution to my query in this post...  I love Eckhart Tolle and his mantra is 'resist nothing'.  I thought I would use that if my mother refused to get out of the car and insisted on going home.  I'd say 'OK' and off we'd go.  I'd then stop at a drive through for ice cream and tell her fantastic gossipy stories and then take her back while still engaging her.  And as long as she has to pee, she questions nothing.

The Alzheimer's counselor told me a story about a lady who would refuse to get off of their outing bus because 'this wasn't my stop' (which was a certain cross street).  She would unload everyone else then drive around the block and bring her back saying  'stop for blah, blah'  and off the lady would go.  

 


Caring4two
Posted: Sunday, April 14, 2019 3:05 PM
Joined: 7/6/2014
Posts: 560


mostlyme wrote:

 The Alzheimer's counselor told me a story about a lady who would refuse to get off of their outing bus because 'this wasn't my stop' (which was a certain cross street).  She would unload everyone else then drive around the block and bring her back saying  'stop for blah, blah'  and off the lady would go. 

My husband went through a phase when he would adamantly refuse to get out of the car (usually at the grocery store, doctor, daycare or physical therapy). Places we would go every week as part of our routine. He would say “what are we doing here?” “I’m not going in there!” Totally caught me off guard. The first time it happened I just took him home. I was SO mad. The second time it happened, I just said “OK” and drove around the block a few times then parked the car and in we went. Go figure. He was probably late stage 5 early stage 6 at the time. 


gubblebumm
Posted: Sunday, April 14, 2019 4:38 PM
Joined: 7/12/2017
Posts: 1022


I do not like comparing PWD to children/toddlers, but sometimes the strategies of dealing are the same!
zauberflote
Posted: Sunday, April 14, 2019 4:44 PM
Joined: 10/24/2018
Posts: 104


Heh heh mostlyme, I did see what you smoothly did with the "different wing" part. And the part about the familiar music therapist is brilliant!! Make sure he doesn't say, hello Miss Mostly, didn't you used to be at Xyz Living? Mom's place thinks the city's most obnoxious radio stations, usually cranked up loud,  are music therapy. But everybody loves when the choirs, choruses, and glee clubs come in.
mostlyme
Posted: Sunday, April 14, 2019 7:13 PM
Joined: 12/17/2018
Posts: 104


Thanks for that story Caring4two!  That's great to hear.

And yes, zauberflote, I emailed the music therapist who is a personal friend of ours and gave him the heads up.  He'll play it cool but give her extra attention. 

I'm extra, over-prepared so here's hoping that all will go well tomorrow...


Quip
Posted: Monday, April 15, 2019 10:55 AM
Joined: 2/25/2019
Posts: 15


mostlyme wrote:

The Alzheimer's counselor told me a story about a lady who would refuse to get off of their outing bus because 'this wasn't my stop' (which was a certain cross street).  She would unload everyone else then drive around the block and bring her back saying  'stop for blah, blah'  and off the lady would go.  

 

I am SO glad I read this, because now I will have a plan for when/if it happens with my mom! Thanks. 

King Boo
Posted: Monday, April 15, 2019 5:16 PM
Joined: 1/9/2012
Posts: 2891


Glad it worked as you hoped it would.  Good luck with the move.
 
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