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Moved DW into MC today. It's hard
Posted: Thursday, May 2, 2019 12:02 AM
Joined: 11/13/2018
Posts: 86

Today I took the hardest step of my life by moving DW into MC. As we drove away from our home of 40 years, it really hit me that she will never see our house/farm again. 

Friends helped me yesterday moving stuff and setting up her room.

Today we arrived at MC around noon. Her friend & I walked her into the "cottage" with staff greeting her. They had us walk her to her room, and she looked some what pleased to see things from her past work & home around the room.

We have a friend from our church living there also, so that helps. We had lunch together with our friend and her husband & daughter. That seemed to lower much of any stress levels, as they induced us to their friends and staff in MC. Our friends go there every day to feed her lunch, despite the 40 mile drive. Staff suggested I visit DW as soon and often as I can. Not the leave and come back days/weeks later. I'll be going back tomorrow too. Looks like car pooling is coming up.

I feel/know I made the right choice for her, and maybe me also.

Now sitting here at home alone and not having my DW here, makes me wounder what she maybe feeling. I lost that ability to know what her feelings where some time ago. What a horrible thing this Alz does to us all.

Posted: Thursday, May 2, 2019 12:27 AM
Joined: 12/17/2018
Posts: 220

Oh my goodness I feel for you.  I'm so sorry you're having this journey.  It seems these milestones make us stop and reminisce about what was.  That makes the heartbreak hurt even more.

I'm sending you a prayer tonight.  And one for your DW too.  

MN Chickadee
Posted: Thursday, May 2, 2019 7:40 AM
Joined: 9/7/2014
Posts: 794

Moving my mom was the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm sorry you are both going through this. It sounds like you have found a good place for her. Having a friend living there will mean even more people around who know her and keep an eye on things. And you have wonderful friends to drive in to feed her. You'll find a schedule that works eventually. Maybe a couple days off to focus on yourself and other matters of life. It is a big adjustment in so many ways, just take it one day at a time.
Greg G
Posted: Sunday, May 5, 2019 7:29 PM
Joined: 2/8/2017
Posts: 913

Hey dw,

Moving my mom was tough but not like what you did.  It is so very different when the person with dementia is a spouse compared to a parent.  When placing a parent, the kid does not usually sit alone at home the first night and wonder "now what am I going to do?"  I really feel for you.  

Hopefully you can now move away from the 24/7 caregiver role.  There are others to do those responsibilities.  You can go back to being kind of a husband (depends on what stage your wife is at) and her advocate.  And getting a little bit of your life to the new normal.

Good luck and best wishes, Greg

Posted: Friday, May 10, 2019 8:46 PM
Joined: 5/5/2019
Posts: 17

I just joined this group. This is my first post. May I say how sorry I am for you, but how brave you are to take these steps for your DW and share them with others.  My DW of 51 years is still with me at home after seven years of diagnosis. She is now in stage five or six and I know she will need to move into MC within a year or two when her condition is more than I can deal with on my own. I can see the signs in her and I know what you have had to deal with. We are living through a slow motion loss of a spouse without the normal grieving of a sudden passing. I wish you well and hope you can grow onto a new future with less stress and sadness.
Posted: Friday, May 10, 2019 10:04 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 3908

I moved my dad to MC this year.  He was a career Naval officer, someone of high intelligence, handsome, physically fit, an achiever.  It is hard for me fully realize what has happened to him...but...I noticed very quickly that he was doing much, much better in MC than he had be in IL or AL.  I should have made the move sooner.  I think you will find the same for your dear wife.  May she do well where she is and may you be able to go back to being her husband instead of her caregiver.  As a woman, I'm sure that is what she would want.  My dad has no clue where he is.  At times he is on a ship, or at his dad's lake cottage, in a matters not to him.  It is reassuring in a way.  May it also be so for you and your dear wife.
Posted: Monday, May 13, 2019 8:44 AM
Joined: 1/7/2017
Posts: 111

I'll be moving my LO into memory care soon. It's come up quickly for me after the director of MC and some others outside of the AL facility have told me she would be better off there. I think they're right, but she's fairly high functioning in some ways, so I guess I wasn't expecting it just yet. I think I've been up too close to see the writing on the wall, plus a number of her dementia characteristics dovetail with personality traits I've lived with my whole life, so I'm used to them. To me it just seems like her dysfunction but moreso; others see how dysfunctional she is and see it as a diseased person who needs more help. Both are true! If they only knew what it's been like to have this particular parent all my life! Argh.

Anyway, it's breaking my heart more than I ever expected it would. I feel the onset of a period of true grief that for some reason my practical side wasn't prepared for. I've been so logistical about everything and really haven't had time to get all emotional about her care for years. I've been too behind the curve the whole time, thanks to her doctors years back who did a pitiful job managing her memory concerns (according to him she didn't have any problems, so no referral!). 

I dread the move day and wonder how I'll hold it together for her when we arrive, settle in and then I leave (until the next day, and the next day, and the next day ...) At the same time I want to get to the other side of it.

Posted: Tuesday, May 14, 2019 8:11 AM
Joined: 4/16/2018
Posts: 10

Thank you so much for sharing these very raw emotions. We moved my mom into SNF a year ago after years of my dad doing his best as his caretaker. I couldn't understand why it wasn't more of a relief to him since he was not a natural caretaker/nurturer. I have too slowly realized that slowly losing a spouse is way different than losing a parent. He has actively grieved for her as she slips away from him and I don't think I was as empathetic as I should have been.

Posts like yours really help to put things in perspective for me and through your pain, you have helped me and I am so grateful for that.. 

Posted: Thursday, May 23, 2019 4:02 PM
Joined: 5/23/2019
Posts: 99

Greetings my dear

My name is Basilia Jackson a lady from U.S, i saw your profile and become interested in knowing you please contact

 me in my email address as a friend

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