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Concern for the safety of LO
Witzend2
Posted: Friday, May 10, 2019 7:28 PM
Joined: 4/30/2019
Posts: 10


Hello again.

I mentioned in my first post awful relatives.  I also remember one reply that there are no awful relatives.  I beg to differ.

At this time I just hope and pray that someone will have sound advice for me and the situation I am about to present.

My awful relative is my sibling.  I rescued my mother from the handful of leeches who do nothing more than use her, and my sibling is at the helm.  They (sibling) had manipulated her into purchasing a car for them, in her name, of course and she was also paying for the insurance.  Anything, including haircuts were calls to her to come and pay for it.  I received phone calls of concern from church members where she attended about her overall condition, so I left everything and spent 9 months there with her day and night just as I am with her now and determined that she would be best away from the pitiful situation there.  There was no one else there who could or would help her.  I never received help from anyone there either.  My sibling is 55 yo and is not disabled nor do they need anyone else to care for therm.  I learned through listening to mom talk to others about me that my sibling was trying to convince her that I had abandoned her. 

Mom always seemed anxious and there were times when she would lash out at me and once she even slammed a door in my face.  She had never done these things before, but she was usually quick to come to me and apologize.  She is the sweetest woman!

Since moving mom here with me, she has become considerably content and relaxed, especially since I felt it necessary to have her cell service shut off from the negative texts and phone calls from my sibling.  Each time she read a text or spoke to them on the phone, her entire self would shake as though she had Parkinson's, which she doesn't, and then as soon as she hung up or quit studying her texts, she would be better.

I have done all that I felt I could to this point, including obtaining durable and medical POA,  and I've been anxiously waiting for her neurologist appt on the 22nd.  It has been the longest wait.  I really wanted to have that most definite diagnosis before telling certain family members.  I haven't spoken to my sibling or anyone else there at all as that would bring me down as well.

My sibling lives on social media and has blasted me to all family members including a few where I live.  Not a single one has chosen to contact me for the truth.  Until today......

I had a cousin who called me and left a message that my sibling was on their way here and to "get prepared".  So I called her back to better understand the situation and why she had chosen to tell me.  I soon discovered that she was in contact with my sibling 'all the time' and my stomach sank.  I have been a wreck all day.  Called a social worker friend of mine, the police, the adult protective services (they were closed today as was my lawyer), etc.  I only have one Uncle that I can trust and the cousin called him first to ask what was going on and he specifically told her that I needed to be supported concerning the care of my mother.  I have no family here that will help.  My daughter here doesn't want us to come and stay with her, and I can't really blame her.  I wouldn't want this sibling to show up at her home and upset my grandchildren as they are still so little.  So, I feel as though I have to stay here like a sitting duck just waiting to get shot, so to speak, because I just don't know where we could go to be safe. 

Safety concerns as my sibling has hired people to do his 'dirty work' in the past, safety especially for mom to keep her from being agitated is my main concern.  I would rather her not know about any of this, but if they show, I will have to call the police.  Or will they just show up in the middle of the night and break into my home?  I put nothing past this criminal who has a solid police record.  They are a narcissist.  A bad one.

Sorry to ramble on so long.  There is always more, but I am not prepared to write a book for all to stumble through.  If there is any advice, I welcome it. Please  Otherwise, I could lose mom and everything to this selfish person.  I have no doubt that they may even have a gun on them.  I have never owned a gun and don't now either.

Would really like to amputate that branch of the family tree.


zauberflote
Posted: Friday, May 10, 2019 7:48 PM
Joined: 10/24/2018
Posts: 118


This will be a seeious situation it sounds like. If you lock your doors and windows and they attempt to get in, you could call the cops. If you are afraid they will harm you, call the cops. The big problem here is of course mom. Is there any activity that would help her stay oblivious? I have experienced my own mom getting upset when amI'm upset so I understand that part of the predicament. Sorry it has to be like this.
Witzend2
Posted: Friday, May 10, 2019 7:56 PM
Joined: 4/30/2019
Posts: 10


Thank you for your response zauberflote. I was afraid I would offend someone here.  I feel that it is serious.  Thing is, if mom sees sibling and wants to see them, it will set her back or upset her if she sees them and is not able to talk to them.  She never mentions them, which is for the best.  They have always made trouble.  I would just like to find a place to go where they did not know about and could not find us.  That would be best, but where?  A hotel would not work and I have no friends and no relatives to trust here.  Main concern: not upsetting mama.
citydock2000
Posted: Friday, May 10, 2019 7:57 PM
Joined: 9/7/2017
Posts: 779


Save all threatening texts and emails. 

Ignore social media and ask your family members to please not tell you about these disappointing posts. Do not play into this hatfield and mccoy scenario - just leave it alone, do not engage or respond, do not trash talk them, and if family members ask, you can just say, I am concerned about my sibling, they do not seem well, and they were not treating mom well.  All I want is for mom to be safe and taken care of.  It was not safe for her there.  If you want to know more, you can ask my sibling. Mom cares for you and I know she would like to see you, so please do visit . If they bring up sibling, I would just say that you prefer not to talk about that, it seems like they have problems and that was not safe for mom.  

Do you have outdoor cameras?  You can have a handyman easily install nest camera or something like that - with an app on your phone so you can see outside the house. Motion activated. 

It sounds like you have alerted the police to the situation.  Make sure you have multiple copies of the POA, including electronic copies on your phone, as long as easily access to your attorney's number. I would call your attorney and see if s/he has an advice for you.  If you don't have one, you should get one now. 

I hope you have had the theft documented and shared with an attorney before now, which can help if you need to "make the case" for anything in the future. 

Obviously if someone shows up and makes a scene, that is grounds for a restraining order. 

Alert your neighbors and exchange phone numbers with them.  Ask them to alert you if they see anything strange. 

Stay calm.  See what happens. The vast majority of the time, nothing will happen.  Keep your doors locked, phone close by, the usual precautions. There are some people who advocate weapons of violence - I tend to believe it's more likely to be used against me and don't like my chances in that scenario, but again you have to decide that. 

Stay calm. Police and others tend to side with the calm voice of reason with the POA.  If you just say, there is an intruder trying to break into our home and I am here with my elderly mother, you will get a fast response. 

If you are seriously concerned about violence, you should go to a hotel for the weekend or check into a womens shelter.  Only you can assess the seriousness of the risk to you and your mom. 

 


Witzend2
Posted: Friday, May 10, 2019 8:08 PM
Joined: 4/30/2019
Posts: 10


Thank you citydock2000.  I have attempted to contact my lawyer throughout today with no answer.  Not even a machine to leave a message.  It's most difficult to be in touch with the right people as it's the weekend and they are all closed.  I've thought about the women's shelter, but that could be cause for alarm for my mom.  This is so disheartening.

The 'more' to the story is that since mom has been here with me, my sibling has taken it upon themselves to move into our house and trash it saying that it has been broken into.  We've been in that house since 1991 and no one has ever broken in.  This was the last text sent to my mother that I saw it first and immediately deleted it because I thought that would be a terrible thing for her to see and why would they want her to come back to that anyway?  I was just letting it be until I could get her full diagnosis.  If I had the money, I would have let the lawyer send a letter requesting that they quit attempting communication in order to protect mother.  This is the nightmare I've been having for months and nobody thought they would attempt to come here.  Ugh


pidgeon92
Posted: Friday, May 10, 2019 11:51 PM
Joined: 10/25/2018
Posts: 212


My sibling is a terrible person as well. The pain she caused our father is decades old, far earlier than his disease. The pain she caused her children, the ones that she stole from and abandoned, is still fresher. Now that my dad has passed, I'm less concerned about her popping up than I used to be. Her children are all now adults, and will have to defend themselves, if they choose to do so. It's been twenty years since I last saw her, and I won't speak to her again.
Livesbythebeach
Posted: Saturday, May 11, 2019 5:33 AM
Joined: 4/3/2019
Posts: 61


WitzEnd- First all, I'm sending you virtual hugs.  Some people have awful siblings.  Your sibling sounds as crazy and unstable as my brother. 

I can understand why a hotel isn't an option- one or two nights away might briefly help, but you can't live in a hotel indefinitely. And your mom might get anxious, right? 

You did the right thing by contacting the police.  When you spoke with them, did you give them your sibling's name, etc? If you did, I'm sure they ran it through their system and know about his background. 

Document everything, with dates and as much specific detail as you can. I don't know what state you live in, but I think you definitely have grounds for a restraining order. The state I live in has something called a "harassment prevention order" for when someone is being harassed by a non-romantic partner (some states give much greater protection to those in "initimate" relationships, some don't).

If you have repeatedly told someone to leave you alone- whoever it is- and they continue attempting to contact you- you can apply for an order of protection. Your sibling is also harassing your mother through texts. And they are harassing you through social media.  And your sibling is basically threatening you- that is illegal.  Even your cousin calling to "warn" you was something of a threat.  Why didn't your cousin tell your sibling to back off? 

Even the fact that your sibling is on their way to come and see you, when you don't want to see them, and haven't asked for them to visit, is completely wrong. He sounds like a first class POS.  And with his violent past, you have every right to be concerned. 

For general security- Ring cameras are not that expensive and really easy to install.  I have them, and I didn't mount them, I have them on my windowsills so I can see who is at the door- and it has a cool app you can use on your phone to monitor the house from wherever you are. 

For personal security- I am not a fan of guns either, so I keep a baseball bat under my bed and various other things like pepper spray and a big knife.  (It may sound silly, but I had someone try to break into my house and he ran away when he saw me brandishing the knife at him as I shouted, "I'm calling 911"). 

Keep your cellphone charged and keep it with you all the time, just in case.  

If you have neighbors you trust, ask them to look out.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.  

 

 


harshedbuzz
Posted: Saturday, May 11, 2019 5:38 AM
Joined: 3/6/2017
Posts: 1403


So brother, not a deadbeat nephew- I was close.

A couple of thoughts. 

Make sure you have the paperwork you need to act on her behalf- if you haven't gotten to a CELA and set up POA and Medical Directives, do so asap. A CELA can also explain what rights they have vis a vis visitation and how to make that happen.

You might want to line up the church friends if they can speak to your mom's welfare in sib's "care". Even better if they are aware of mom being taken of financially- the Area Agency on Aging takes financial abuse seriously. I hope you have cut off the flow of money to sib; should your mom ever require Medicaid for long term care there are very stringent rules about "gifting" to others in the five years before help is needed. 

I would reach out- on the non-emergency line- to your local police who may have some ideas for you. I do hope this is just an idle threat.
MacyRose
Posted: Saturday, May 11, 2019 4:15 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 3865


Close your window coverings, put padlocks on your gates to keep people out of the side and backyards, if you have fencing.  Lock your garage door if it is not on an automatic opener.  Install security cameras around your house.  Keep things quiet inside.  If he comes, don't answer the door, call the police.  Explain that he is a threatening person with a criminal history and you are alone with a disabled elderly woman he wants to take advantage of and you are her Medical and Financial POA.  As Medical and Financial POA you not only have the right to determine where she lives but also to decide who is allowed to see her.  You also have 100% control over your own property.  If you say your brother is not allowed, the police will respect that and side with you based on the POA.  Whatever you do, don't allow your brother to get your mom alone as he could get her to sign her POA's over to him and then there is nothing you could do about him taking her.   That has happened to people here before.

IF you want to find a safe house, get on VRBO.com and find a furnished rental house.  You can move in as soon as the same day and there is no way your brother could trace you to the rental house since it will be in the name of the owner or his company and unless YOU tell others where you and your mom are, no one will know where you are.  Typically all housewares are in place and the TV is already setup and working and you have internet access.  You can rent for a few days or months if necessary and yes, you could rent your own house out as well, if you need to.  

 


gubblebumm
Posted: Saturday, May 11, 2019 4:29 PM
Joined: 7/12/2017
Posts: 1068


What is sibling trying to do? Is there lots of money here? Any money? I don't get his motive...sibling is a bully, and document everything...

 
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