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Having a significant other when your spouse is in later stages.
Five years ago, when she was able to still make decisions, Ann suggested something that I could never have imagined. One by one, her friends had distanced themselves and having sat with me researching the disease, stages and final outcome, she wanted to fix me up with one of the single ladies in our community.I was quite shocked but I understood her reasoning. Not only would she have a girlfriend for me but someone she could do things with and have as a BFF companion.
I put it off until two years ago when, together, we joined a dating site. ...And I mean TOGETHER. Both our photos were displayed and I was totally honest as to the type of relationship we were seeking. I said that I'd never meet anyone without my wife present. After over 200 positive responses from all kinds of ladies, many of whom are still facebook friends, I felt overwhelmed, canceled my subscription and backed off for a while.
Last July, I decided to try again and joined another site called "Farmers Only". There we met a beautiful, smart, sweetheart of a lady who lost her mother to ALZ. Her father was Mom's only caregiver until her sister came to help. Her dad and his sister in law cared for his wife until she died a year later. They are now married which explains acceptance of such an unusual living, loving lifestyle. She still has a daughter living at home for another year until she goes off to college. At that point, she'll move in with us full time and we'll continue as an alternative "family of three".
Gone is the depression, ambiguous grief and feelings of doom. I can rest easy knowing that Ann is well cared for, loved and enjoying the best quality of life possible. This, obviously, is not a solution I would suggest for everyone but, for us it has worked out beautifully but the discussion must start long before they lose the ability to make sound decisions. Feel free to comment, send a private message or ask questions. I will not tolerate judgmental remarks and neither will this forum. We're also on facebook Bruce N Ann Williams.
Thank you for sharing your story!
Before consolidating households, take the time to get your financial and wills/trusts in order.
Whenever there is a second marriage or relationship, especially if one of the parties has children, things can get messy down the road. A CELA can sort things out in everyone's best interest ahead of time and avoid a lot of problems.
Good for you all! Congrats on making it happen, and admiration for your DW for thinking of you and your future.
I also echo what king boo said about making sure wills and finances are written down and signed off for all legal angles. Tragedies do happen, people can pass unexpectedly, and family disputes in such circumstances can become legal nightmares—and far from what was intended.
I visited your Facebook page. I watched the videos of Ann.
What a special woman she was and still is. I think it’s wonderful that she thought
a head of what things would be like for you. Thank you for sharing the videos of Ann.
Welcome to the forums. It seems that you have a wife who is very much in love with you.
I think it is very important to see a CELA (certified elder law attorney). He/she should know of any plans you have going forward. You really have to cover all the bases for yourself because things don't always work out the way we think they will. Not trying to scare you, but you do need to protect yourself. I hope everything works out well for everybody.
I learned long ago to never judge. I am truly amazed at your wife's consideration and unselfishness.
It reminds me of the book "When Madeline was Young" by Jane Hamilton. It's a novel about a young wife who became brain damaged after marriage, and has a developmental age of a 7 yr old. Later, the husband divorced her legally so he could remarry, but they lived together as a family and his second wife took care of her in the most loving way the rest of her life. It's really a touching book if you want a good read.
Bruce, I just read some of your FB posts and some of Ann's videos. You are so sweet and patient with her. I know my mom will be soon forgetting my name, too.
I love the way you told her "It doesn't matter if you don't remember my name, what matters is that you know we love you." I could see her face look so reassured by that!
Best to all of your family.
My post was removed because I pointed out how cleverly the husband is using the “significant other” to tend to his needs and hers—for free, which is not such a deal for her.
OP wanted discussion, but actually he only wants discussion that gushes approval for this thing they have in place (since we cannot call it a setup because he gets offended).
SpruceBruce, if you're still hanging around here, I would like to share with you something I learned today at my support group. In case you haven't seen this, here is a similar story:
Quote from Dan Gasby, "More people are contracting diseases, like Alzheimer’s, and
they can live longer. So what about the
caregivers? Is their role supposed to