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Caregivers Who Have Lost Someone
I knew my day would come to join this side of the board
I have been away from the pages here for some time. So many of my friends have joined this part of the group long before me.
I cared for my Mom here at home for 16 years, and saw her through many medical issues including cancer and then in the last year of her life she had vascular dementia. She passed on this past March 13th. It was very sad but she was 93 and had struggled hard in the last years of her life, so I was relieved she was at peace.
Most of those that remember me will remember that I also cared for my husband Mac. Mac had Alzheimer's for 13 years, the last 3-1/2 years were also here at home under hospice care. He passed on April 6th with myself and the hospice nurse at his side. I lost my mother and husband in less than a month's time. I am still a bit numb. Despite all that Alzheimer's had thrown at us I was not ready to let him go. (Not sure I would ever have been) But, I know he is no longer suffering or living merely an existence.
My family and friends have circled the wagons around me and are making sure I am kept busy, for there is an enormous hole in my life. Still the time here alone in the house feels surreal. I know you all can relate. Like all of you before me I am trying to find my new "normal" I know holidays and occasions will draw me back here to seek comfort from being with those who really understand.
Bless you all and stay strong,
I know how you feel my DH passed away one year ago he spent that last 1.5 years in a MC facility and I praise all the caregivers for all the outstanding care he received. I still find it hard to think he is gone so I have not really been able to let loose of him I still feel he is in MC. I still go visit the facility its like family to me I feel so much love there. Stay Strong, Zetta
I have been around a while and remember you. Sorry for all you've gone through. Caring for, and then losing, two loved ones has to be hard.
I first came to these boards for support when caring for my mom, several years ago. She passed away May of 2018, but during the last few years of her life, my husband began experiencing some changes to his personality and cognitive challenges. So, I can understand the feeling of seeing both parent and spouse decline, but I cannot imagine losing them so close together. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you Deb, it has been a lot to handle and I am still processing it all. I remember you too, and how well you cared for your mom. I am so very sorry to read that now you are seeing it in your husband also. We caregivers go through much more than we ever let people know about. It's a lot for one person, and overwhelmingly so when it is times two. I will keep you in my prayers.
Bless you and stay strong,
I'm sorry that you have not received the support from friends, I think because of the all consuming nature of taking care of loved ones we get cut off socially from much of our family and friends. In my case this just happened and with losing two such important people, suddenly and so close together, it caused people to be concerned for my well being. I have no doubt that in time they will go back to their routines and it will be up to me to do the calling and inviting, out for breakfast, lunch, walk etc. I hope you will try and do the same.
Been awhile since we heard from you, we understand why. Sorry to hear what your going through. We all know what's going to happen , but it still hurts and is hard to accept.
Seems like most of the people that were around when you and I were posting don't post any more, including myself. I guess after awhile we don't have as much to say or ask for info.Nice that you have people that will try to help you. Unless a person has been through it, they don't understand. I know I didn't until it happened to me.
So I hope it get's easier for you. Good luck and take care of yourself.
I thank you for your kind words: I just wanted to clarify. My friends have been there: they just don't realize that they've been my lifeline. That said, I check in about once a week now to see how people are doing and I hope you keep in touch. I can't imagine the losses you've had to bear: I send you hugs and wishes for peace and hope that this community can continue to support you as you have clearly supported (and loved) so many. I send you a bouquet of June irises.
Hi Losing Hand,
It has been a while, and it is good to hear from you. Sad to see so many new unfamiliar names that are now members of our club, this cruel disease keeps marching on. I was hoping to see a treatment or cure by now.
I know what you mean about posting, after Mac went into final stage, there didn't seem to be much to contribute any longer. My mom had been in poor health for a long time, but the vascular dementia was a real sucker punch. It was hard dealing with the two of them in different stages. But, I have to tell you I would do it again, and would still be doing it if I could. Though I had no idea how tired I was until just the last few weeks as I have been reflecting on the big picture. As my mind adjusts I am sure I will come here to help work things out.
I hope you are taking care of yourself and finding your way in your new normal. You and Cynthia were always very kind and helpful, I haven't talked to her since last fall. She was doing well, and had joined a drumming group. Be well.
Hi Amy Jo,
Sorry I misunderstood, but glad you have support. I guess anyone that hasn't gone through the challenges and pain of watching our loved ones progression into the abyss, could ever really understand. I will look forward to future posts, as I find my way.
The June Irises brought a smile as I am looking at mine through the window now.
I have wondered how you were doing. I am so sorry to hear you lost both your Mom and Mac in such a short time. That is a lot to take in. You barely had time to start adjusting to one loss before another happened. My deepest condolences to you. You are one of my heroes. The quality of care you offered to both your Mom and Mac was exemplary. Well done dear friend.
And now a new phase begins. And how in the world does one step into that? I guess like anything, as best we can, learning as we go. Just like we did with dementia care.
I allowed myself days to hibernate in my home. And other days to get out in the world a bit. The back and forth between these two rhythms worked well for me. You will find your way and what works for you. Please know my heart is with you while you navigate the coming weeks and months. Blessings dear one.
ALH, I still remember with great fondness our jokes thread. You and Milly were major contributors to keeping our spirits up as best as possible. Hoping you are well.
Wasn't sure if you were still here. So glad to hear from you. So much has been going on since the last time we talked. It has been a real roller coaster ride for sure. I am still sorting it all out via hind sight. You and I have always approached life in a similar way, preparing, taking things as they come, and then rolling with the punches. If Alzheimer's teaches you anything it teaches you that. I intend to apply it to the future also. Will talk to you soon.
I'm still a bit numb over the closeness of Mac and Mom's passings. I guess adjusting is going to be a process that will take time, as evidenced here by all our fellow former caregivers.
I thank you for all you have done and do, keeping us aware of the hopes and the failures of dementia research. Also, thank you for your most kind words to me.
Thank you, Milly. It is so difficult to lose one beloved member of a family, but I cannot fathom losing two in such a short period of time. Adjusting will indeed be a process. The love and care of family and friends will help.
I am sure the answers are out there, maybe they will be found in time for the rest of our generation. Still, few things give me more pain than knowing the answers never come fast enough.
Blessings to you and your family.
Milly I posted this a few yrs. ago. Your one of the strong ones.
Those words are true of most of us caregivers. We never know how strong we are until there nothing else to be. Hope you are doing well.
Thank you so much KML for the kind words. It had to be heart wrenching to see both of your parents through the painful progression of dementia. They too, were blessed to have had you there for them in their declining years. We can take solace in knowing that we did our best to see our loved ones through. Also bless you for staying on the boards to help others in their journeys, I'm not sure I'm ready to do that yet.