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Molokai16
Posted: Wednesday, June 12, 2019 8:00 AM
Joined: 10/23/2018
Posts: 54


I feel like I can't take it anymore. I feel like I want to leave my husband of 20 years. We have no children but several cats. Every day for past week he has woken me up from a sound sleep at 4AM usually and tells me he wants to die and how depressed he is. What am I supposed to do with this information? Which he forgets the next day anyway. But it RUINS my sleep and distrups everything. I still love him but hate him for constantly waking me up with bad information. I've become very bitchy - unlike me. In the morning it's several physical complaints every fucking day. I told him to shut up today. Just fucking shut up with his constant complaints. Don't talk to me if its a complaint. Please, I beg of you, don't give me another complaint.Especially when I first wake up. I realize I've been very very angry for quite sometime. Actually, I'm filled with rage. I mean FILLED with rage.dont know how to safely release this rage.
Jo C.
Posted: Wednesday, June 12, 2019 9:13 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 9848


Molokai, I understand and I am so sorry.  This sounds as though it has hit  a crisis situation and is not safe or healthy for either one of you.  Please contact the Care Consultants at the Alzheimer's Assn. at (800) 272-3900 that was explained in your other Thread, and discuss your options. 

 Do you have any sort of a support system from family and/or friends? If so; it is time to call and let them know you need help.  Your husband is not going to process your needs or remember what you have told him secondary to the damage to his brain, and I know how difficult that sort of situation can be on a permanent basis; if you have some support that can often help release some of the tension.

Please get an urgent appointment with your doctor or even be seen in the ER or Urgent Care; this level of stress is severely harsh on the body and you may be able to have something prescribed that can help and also would benefit from blood pressure and lab tests to diagnose and forestall any cumulative effects from the severe chronic stress.  A good counselor may also be helpful to assist with coping skills and making decisions; I don't know if you have seen anyone or not.

Basically; would you feel comfortable in having your husband placed into respite care for a few weeks as you sort things out and get some breathings space?  Are there funds to enable you to do that?   Since you are in the LA County area, there are a lot of options for placement for respite in various facilities.

There are also quite a few all-day Adult Daycare Centers in Los Angeles County as well as in other nearby counties.  If he did go to such a place on a daily basis or even a few times a week, it would give you time to go home, sleep, rest, breathe, and also do some planning for what you wish to do on a permanent basis.

No matter what; we get it and are here to listen.  Please do reach out and make a call so you can get some good input for planning for immediate assistance.

Molokai, I will be thinking of you and I truly do care; please let us know how you are doing, we will be looking for you.

 J.


Ed1937
Posted: Wednesday, June 12, 2019 9:30 AM
Joined: 4/2/2018
Posts: 1333


Jo gave you some excellent advice. It might not be what you want to do, but there is no magic that will make things better without consideration from you on what you really need to do to help yourself. Do whatever it takes to get some respite, and follow her advice. Just remember that if you keep doing the same things you have been doing, you will get the same results you have been getting. I know - easier said than done.
Eric L
Posted: Wednesday, June 12, 2019 10:28 AM
Joined: 12/5/2014
Posts: 1050


Molokai - In January, my wife and I took our kids to the movies and lunch. It should have been a nice outing. We were out of the house for a few hours and having family time. The whole time we were gone, I just had the overwhelming sense of anxiety and worry. I couldn't relax even when it was "okay" to not be on alert all of the time. I ended up calling the doctor on the way home and made an appointment. He prescribed Zoloft and I've taken it since January. I still don't always feel 100% (MIL is in the end stages), but I feel much better than I did. Make sure you take care of yourself!

Once you have that taken care of, have a conversation with his doctor about his comments about depression. There are many, many folks here that have reported success with a mild anti-depressant.
Jo C.
Posted: Wednesday, June 12, 2019 1:56 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 9848


Hello Dear Molokai; it is just me again.   I happened to see your other Post where you shared that finances had also become a problem issue.

I just wanted to let you know that there are some Daycare Centers that will not turn a person away for lack of funds; and some have sliding scale fees.  If I knew what city you lived in, it would be not too difficult to suss out what may be near you.

One can also Google the Area Agency on Aging for your geographic area; they have social workers that can assist with sharing where services are and what programs may be available for your situation.

Also, there is the, "Alzheimers Los Angeles," group that covers all areas in the county.  Here is their link:

https://www.alzheimersla.org/ 

They do what they call, in-depth personalized needs/care counseling with their Master's Degree Social Workers; here is their contact information:

 "To learn more or schedule a meeting with a Care Counselor, please call 844.HELP.ALZ (844.435.7259)"

Also, you mentioned that you have an appointment for your husband at the UCLA dementia center; they too have Social Workers, you can also contact them.

There will be help to be found to bring some relief, just remember to take care of you too; in order to get things done to where you decide you want yourself to be, it is by far best to put your oxygen mask on first and when you are doing okay, then your husband's.

J.


McCott
Posted: Wednesday, June 12, 2019 3:05 PM
Joined: 8/22/2017
Posts: 341


Molokai -- You need sleeping pills for him, starting with Trazadone and perhaps something stronger.  I take anti-depressants and tranquillizers, which help to some extent, but I totally sympathize with your feelings of rage and anger -- dealing with this day after day, year after year is close to self-annihilation -- we cease to exist except as service adjuncts to our ALZ spouses.  We are no longer "beings for ourselves" but only "beings for another."

Jo C.
Posted: Thursday, June 13, 2019 4:04 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 9848


Dropping by to let you know you are being thought of today.

J.


Molokai16
Posted: Friday, June 14, 2019 8:26 AM
Joined: 10/23/2018
Posts: 54


Wanted to clarify one of my posts. I have no interest in paying our bills but I do anyway even if I don't feel like doing it. Thankfully, we do not have financial problems at this time. But as you all know that can be upended at any time. Any time. I wish we had a million dollars in the bank. But we don't. Ya know, it really doesn't matter. Money is almost insignificant. It has no meaning. Really, no meaning at all. My spouses and my health are top priority. He's got great insurance and i have Medicare. But I don't give a sh-- anymore. If a bill is absurd I simply don't pay it. For first time in my life I feel like not filing our tax returns(extended to oct. 15) we usually get a significant refund but I just don't give a sh-- anymore. I've been a responsible hard working adult since I was 23 years old. I'm 68 now. f--- it.

 


Molokai16
Posted: Friday, June 14, 2019 8:34 AM
Joined: 10/23/2018
Posts: 54


Also, aginglifecare.org is a piece of crap website. Tried a million times to connect with this so called organization. It's totally bogus.
Molokai16
Posted: Friday, June 14, 2019 8:48 AM
Joined: 10/23/2018
Posts: 54


In answer to previous question. No, we have no friends or family. They are mostly dead or extremely uninterested and have problems of their own. Support groups are minimal in Los Angeles. I was required to go to an interview to be considered to join a support group at Leeza's care connection. Then I was yelled at by the "administrator" Wendy for cancelling my interview without 24 hours notice. Are you kidding me? Yes, I'm angry and disgusted but mostly despondent over the "care" for caregivers in Los Angeles.
jfkoc
Posted: Friday, June 14, 2019 9:47 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17061


LIst of support groups

https://www.alzheimersla.org//wp-content/uploads/2015/12/alzgla-support-group-directory-2.pdf

This also looks interesting;

https://www.uclahealth.org/dementia/community-resources

Re Leeza...I do not think that it is dementia specific so may not be the most helpful.

You may need to try several groups to find the one that suits you. Some of us never found them as helpful as these forums but do give it a try.


Molokai16
Posted: Saturday, June 15, 2019 10:06 PM
Joined: 10/23/2018
Posts: 54


Thank you
 
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