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Outsiders taking advantage of LO
Posted: Tuesday, July 9, 2019 9:34 AM
Joined: 6/20/2019
Posts: 2

This is my first post, so please go easy on me. My dad is in the ES of what we've been told is MD. He is still living at home with my mom (& driving short distances) but it is getting harder & harder for that to work out. He can be combative at times, he is not a sweet, pleasant 79 year old man. He is a retired detective & it is crazy to see him fall for lies people tell him especially since he used to be so sharp. They have a neighbor that is taking advantage of him & dad does not let my mom have any say at all. He has let them use his vehicle & this past weekend they talked him into driving them somewhere, left him outside in 100 degree heat for 4 hours & left to "run errands" with his truck! I have a GPS on his truck, but it chose that day to not alert me that he was out of the parameter & my mom did not call me until right before he got home. I spoke with the neighbor (not very nicely) & told him to not ask for rides again & to leave my parents alone. I have all of the stops & entire trip downloaded & a call in to the PD & Sheriff's department but no crime was committed so they probably won't be interested. My mom is ready to throw in the towel & has gotten to where she is just exhausted of the situation. I am afraid we have a long way to go. He is in no way ready to go into a memory care facility, I really don't know what do do. I am afraid I will have to take FMLA from my job & move him in with my husband & I because my mom is pretty much just "done". She refuses to go to a caregiver group. She finally made him a neuro appointment so he can be reassessed.  He has definitely gotten worse since his first diagnosis.
Posted: Tuesday, July 9, 2019 9:57 AM
Joined: 3/8/2018
Posts: 801

Hello DF and welcome. I will try to be gentle, this is what I hear from an outside perspective:

Your dad shows personality changes, and can be combative.

He has chronic degenerative medical issues (is MD muscular dystrophy?)

He’s been manipulated by others, and not in his best interest 

You’re caregiving from a distance, and your mother is exhausted and burnt out


IMHO your dad IS ready for placement, for his benefit and for your mom’s too. It’s really, really hard getting your mind around this, but with the right level of care he will be safe, and your mom will be less stressed. The best advice I got here was “place your LO based on their worst day, not on their ‘best’ “. Memory care might be right.

Once you’ve thought about this, talked to your mom and meet with an eldercare attorney. Get your company’s FMLA forms NOW and have the neurologist fill them out at the upcoming appointment. You don’t have to file it immediately, but having the medical certification forms done is a huge plus.

Do take some FMLA time to visit multiple care centers, to see what your options are. And the best one might not be local.

Best of luck, glad you found us and started posting!


Posted: Tuesday, July 9, 2019 10:20 AM
Joined: 9/21/2017
Posts: 924

Hi DFeraci-

Leaving a vulnerable senior in 100 degree heat and using his property sound like Elder Abuse to me.You could report the neighbor for that  now or if they trouble your folks again. (How awful if he had been used as a "wheel man" in a bank robbery "Retired detective turns to crime", ugh).

If you take your father in (more on that later) could your mother fend for herself in the house? She may be tired of the situation , but actually separating from her spouse and being alone is a different thing.

If you did try to move your father in, would he try to get back home, get more "combative"?

The new evaluation is a great starting point.

Next, him driving- sounds like he shouldn't be, does your mother drive? Or do you need to remove the car? How would they get to Doctor's etc then?

I'd start looking at places in the area where your father could be moved through the stages of care, leaving your mom at the right level for her , unless she can and wants to live alone in their home.

I'm sorry you are having to begin this journey. FMLA probably doesn't last long enough to see him to "the end" so long range planning for both of them is better.

If your parents haven't done the legal stuff DPOA, etc now would be a  good time to get them to an elder care lawyer. They could also advise how to protect your parents funds from your dad being preyed upon- setting up a trust maybe.

Keeping a sense of humor helps in this sad journey, with your father's past occupation, all I could think of was the game Clue-- when we try to find what the PWDs did with ordinary items --Did Colonel Mustard put the day's mail in the trash with the missing cell phone charger?

Sorry you had to find us but glad you did.




Posted: Tuesday, July 9, 2019 10:47 AM
Joined: 7/12/2017
Posts: 1310

DO not take him in to live with you, everyone will suffer and no one will benefit.  Have him checked for a UTI asap anyway.  Check his financial statements, if they have him driving around, bet he might have "lent" them money, etc.

Make a police report, suspiscious incident is what we call them here, it helps create a paper trail.  Document everything. 

Posted: Wednesday, July 10, 2019 8:43 AM
Joined: 6/20/2019
Posts: 2

Thank you so much for your input. I was just talking to my husband this morning about getting FMLA in place for me to start attending appointments & searching for a memory care facility. I did call one of them & they asked if he was violent. He isn't violent, but can be combative (not wanting to do what he is told he needs to do). We are going to tell him his grandson needs to borrow his truck for a while & just get it out of the picture until the doctor on the 30th can help us with telling him no more driving. Thanks again!  Also, "MD" was "Mixed Dementia".
Eric L
Posted: Wednesday, July 10, 2019 12:47 PM
Joined: 12/5/2014
Posts: 1114

It might also be worthwhile to contact a lawyer where your parents live and explain the situation to them in order to get a ‘cease & desist’ letter. Alternatively, if you have any friends that are attorneys, they can also do it for you. Often times, a letter from an attorney’s office will make folks toe the line.  I’m not an attorney, so please take this with a grain of salt.
Posted: Wednesday, July 10, 2019 10:57 PM
Joined: 10/21/2016
Posts: 2447

DFeraci wrote:
He is in no way ready to go into a memory care facility, I really don't know what do do. I am afraid I will have to take FMLA from my job & move him in with my husband & I because my mom is pretty much just "done".

1.  People are ready for memory care when they become a danger to themselves or others.  100 degree heat for 4 hours is DANGEROUS and indicates that he doesn't have good judgement.

2.  Get him off the road.  He should not be driving. 

3.  Don't move him in with you.  It will jeopardize your marriage and your job.

4.  If others are taking advantage of him, this is another indication that he has bad judgement and needs to be protected. 

5.  If Mom can't protect him, he needs to be in memory care.

Posted: Wednesday, July 10, 2019 11:12 PM
Joined: 10/21/2016
Posts: 2447

DFeraci wrote:
 I did call one of them & they asked if he was violent. He isn't violent, but can be combative (not wanting to do what he is told he needs to do).

Not all memory care facilities are created equal.  Some of them only want to deal with the 90-lb. little old lady who sits quietly in a wheelchair.  If a facility is reluctant to take your father, it probably isn't the right place for him.  They will find a way to discharge a resident that they consider to be "difficult." 

My husband was very agitated, angry and combative.  I was lucky to find a small group home (licensed for 10 residents) that had caregivers who each had 20-30 years of experience.  It was a blessing. I used a referral placement service.  She works in the Phoenix area, but maybe there is someone near you that provides a service like this one.



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