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Dealing with dads anger
Feeling defeated
Posted: Tuesday, July 9, 2019 10:49 PM
Joined: 7/9/2019
Posts: 2

I moved in with my parents 15 months, ago to help my mother take care of my dad.  We have been dealing with verbal abuse on a daily basis from him, he started walking away from home, getting out of the car at stoplights and threatening to get out going down the road.  He has walked into the middle of traffic on a busy road and three weeks ago he got violent and kicked me.  He was taken to a hospital psych unit for an evaluation and medicine adjustment.  He was moved today into a memory care unit in a nursing home.  We have been going to see him daily but every night he has the nursing staff call and upsets my mom by saying she doesn't visit and everyone lies to him.   He cannot be Redirected.  He fixates on whatever he views as the truth.  When he was at home he talked about how much he hated it and wanted to get away.  The same with everywhere he goes. Any suggestions of how we can help him.  Coming home isn't an option
Posted: Tuesday, July 9, 2019 11:33 PM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 5053

Some things we cannot fix and your father may have a case a behavior variant FTD or other severe from of dementia where there is little you can do - only the doctors can help him by finding the proper medications and levels to control his behaviors. Sometimes we have to sit on the sidelines and let a person rage-our help is that we support them and oversee their care.

As much as you may want to be there for your father-he may do better if he does not see you and his wife for awhile. Ask the doctors what they think. He's only been in the nursing home a day so give him time to adjust.

 I sure wish you luck!

Feeling defeated
Posted: Wednesday, July 10, 2019 8:00 AM
Joined: 7/9/2019
Posts: 2

We have honestly thought about that especially since he doesn't remember us being there when we go everyday.  He was the same way at home.  It just upsets my mother so much when they let him call and he goes off on her on the phone.  It's a terrible disease, thank you for your suggestions.
Stephanie Z
Posted: Wednesday, July 10, 2019 8:34 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4218

Hi feeling,

     Please ask the nursing staff not to let your FIL call home. Another option if that is not possible is to change her number, or turn the phone off during the time he would be calling. 

Hope this helps,

Stephanie Z

Posted: Wednesday, July 10, 2019 5:11 PM
Joined: 7/12/2017
Posts: 1546

She doesn't have to take the call.  Let it go to voice mail.
Posted: Saturday, July 13, 2019 3:32 PM
Joined: 7/17/2017
Posts: 403

Yes, just as others have already stated; you now have part of your lives back/ enjoy!!  You do not need to visit every day, unless you find it enjoyable and you have the time.  You can also tell the nursing staff not to call you in the evening,  unless it's truly about an emergency.  

You have all this new power, life and energy, AND you know your loved one is being well taken care of in the facility!  It's okay to enjoy your new-found freedom.  You have had so much hardship in the past.  Take care and try to enjoy the transition.  

Posted: Saturday, July 13, 2019 3:46 PM
Joined: 2/3/2018
Posts: 718

Hey feeling, so sorry you and your mom are going through this right now. I second what Tess advised, insist that his doctor try different meds and/or dosages to give him some rage relief. There is nothing you can do at this time to provide him with that, and meds may ultimate fail too, but it's your best option.

I'm also thinking you and your mom could benefit from a support group, or even personal counseling. Reach out for help as much as you can.

You and your mom may already know this, but in case you don't, this stage won't last forever, so hang in there! Utilize your support systems as much as possible (mine is lots of wine and girlfriends to vent to), and slog your way through it.

Good luck to all three of you.

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