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Asking for and accepting help
Posted: Thursday, July 11, 2019 8:38 PM
Joined: 5/5/2019
Posts: 33

As a male caregiver of seven years, 52 years married, I realize now that I have been far too slow to ask for help. While I have tried my best to accept new challenges as they arrive my predilection for independence made me very slow to recognize the need to ask for help. Probably a male thing, I have to deal with it on my own. A bit like the frog in the warming water. I am not talking about medical help. We have had great medical support, prescriptions, etc. But household management, daily routine tasks, my own mental health I have been slow to recognize the need for help. I was late in contacting the local Alzheimer’s Society, who have been great. But this entry concerns gardens. My wife was an avid gardener. Started plants from seeds, active member in the Horticultural  Society for decades. We have lived in the same rural farm property for almost 50 years. Our house is surrounded by perennial flower beds that she developed over that time. Except for the last few years she has lost the ability to look after them. Slowly they have become overgrown, weeds appear. I have made some inept attempts at rescue. A new source of stress for me. Another year goes by, things look worse and I slowly realize I need to ask for help. This is hard for me. We have wonderful neighbours on our rural road so finally I ask our closest one does she know anyone who might be interested in a gardening job. She immediately suggests someone nearby I don’t know well, recently retired who loves gardening. I make contact. She comes by, agrees to the challenge and within a few days has transformed the biggest bed. Thinned, edged, weeded, some transplants, lots of new mulch. My wife sits on the bench and keeps complimenting her on such great work. I feel a great relief to see the resurrection, we have a new friend who brightens our day. And I wonder why did I stress and worry and wait for years to ask for help which was literally around the corner. I know she is not doing this for a bit of extra money. She is doing this to help out some neighbours who need help and as she loves gardening, it his her way of being of service. My message to this forum, especially the men, don’t be afraid to ask for help.  There are many wonderful people who are glad to step up. You can’t do it all by yourself, and you have to graciously accept help when offered.
Posted: Thursday, July 11, 2019 9:34 PM
Joined: 3/15/2018
Posts: 489

What a wonderful message, Ernie! Thank you for sharing! We all need to be reminded!
Mrs. O
Posted: Thursday, July 11, 2019 11:57 PM
Joined: 8/1/2017
Posts: 310

Good for you Ernie!  But no... it’s not just a male thing. IMO most of us have trouble with asking for help. I’m glad that you are getting help with your yard. That’s something that’s lasting, and visually rewarding for both you and your wife. It sounds like it’s making her very happy. Well done!
Posted: Friday, July 12, 2019 6:27 AM
Joined: 4/2/2018
Posts: 2730

Ernie, like your wife, mine has lived for gardening. This year she seems to have lost a lot of interest in her gardens. It hurts to see them lose interest in things that were so important throughout their lives. Here is one of her favorites. I have no idea what the name of it is.

Posted: Friday, July 12, 2019 6:35 AM
Joined: 9/5/2017
Posts: 556

Good job!  

Independence is not a male thing.

Posted: Friday, July 12, 2019 8:45 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 18325

I need to remind myself that helping is a good thing for the helper too...

Posted: Friday, July 12, 2019 9:27 AM
Joined: 10/24/2018
Posts: 971

Ernie, it is definitely not a male thing! I am so doggone stubborn that I will mostly say, here, it's easier for me to do it than it is for me to try (and fail) to tell you how/what to do. This is going to come around and bite me in the backside sooner or later. 

You gardening story has the perfect plot twist! I love that everybody wins on this one.  

Ed, I am No Expert, but that looks like some kind of lily to me. In my area, day lilies are blooming in profusion, and there are some variegated ones around. 

Posted: Friday, July 12, 2019 9:43 AM
Joined: 2/1/2018
Posts: 464


No expert here, either, but might it be a variation of an Asian lily?  I “think” they give off a scent and bloom around now.  The color is beautiful.  

Posted: Friday, July 12, 2019 10:47 AM
Joined: 4/2/2018
Posts: 2730

Ernie -- sorry, I didn't mean to hijack this thread. The screenshot does not do it justice. The contrast is lacking. I'm sure it's a lily, and it's only been around for maybe 3 years so it's a fairly new variety. She bought it mail order, but she does not remember the name either. Not surprising.
Posted: Friday, July 12, 2019 9:12 PM
Joined: 3/9/2012
Posts: 579

Ed, I googled "picture of Stargazer lily". There is one that is white in the center and pink around the edges that looks a lot like your picture.
Posted: Saturday, July 13, 2019 1:43 PM
Joined: 3/7/2012
Posts: 2482

Good for you finally asking for help, and accepting it. It's difficult, I know. I used to be able to 'handle' everything, and think, in my head, I still can. But clearly I can't do it all. I've a yard guy whom is wonderful, but darn it all, I used to love doing that. But alas I can't.

To show how far I've come, I mentioned that our car needs to be cleaned up to a neighbor. We were just chatting about things. Next thing I know her DH was at the door asking for my keys. He was going to take their cars to be cleaned up so decided he'd take mine. I was embarrassed for about 30 seconds, then thanked him profusely. Handed him my key and credit card gladly. That took something off my to do list. What makes it even better is my friend called thanking me for getting her DH out of her hair for a bit!!

Yes, I've come a long way and hope other's can accept help when needed or offered.





Posted: Saturday, July 13, 2019 4:09 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 18325

More OT

I think it is Applique which is a reblooming daylily Brecks (catalogue)

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