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Move day has come and gone.
Posted: Thursday, July 11, 2019 11:39 PM
Joined: 9/18/2018
Posts: 44

Moved mom into memory care today. The hardest decision of my life and the most depressing yet relaxing day I've had in almost 11 months.

We had a story all set up with the facility that mom was going to a 3 days quilting conference as a special guest. They were even nice enough to provide us with an official looking invite letter on facility letterhead. The story went about as well as expected with many questions (off repeated) and many excuses of why she couldn't go. But we managed to get her out the door today and into the new place with minimum of fuss.

Sneaking away from her was hard and realizing tonight that she's all alone in her room tonight is harder, but it's best for all of us. Caregiving for mom for almost 5 months has been slowly killing my sister and I, both in our health (mental and physical) and in our relationships with each other and our mom. Now I think we can move on to the next stage of clearing trash from treasure and the event of moving mom to the facility near my home in Minnesota when it opens in the fall.

The conversations here have been most valuable in their information and the general camaraderie much much appreciated. Can't tell you how many tips and tricks I learned here that worked a treat when implemented with mom.

I'm sure the transition period for mom over the new couple weeks will be awful, and I'm sure sister and I will go through lots of grief and guilt, but now we can do it without further distressing mom.

Thanks for reading, for commenting, for making suggestions. This group has been a God send and a life line for me.

Thanks again,

- Holly

Posted: Friday, July 12, 2019 12:58 AM
Joined: 12/17/2018
Posts: 287

Isn't it nice to have that dreaded day behind you.  I hope her adjustment goes smoothly.  It sounds like you've picked a terrific place!
Posted: Friday, July 12, 2019 2:04 AM
Joined: 6/21/2019
Posts: 685



I envy you.

You and your sister need to take some time to decompress now.  You and your sister might want to go out for lunch or try to occupy yourselves for the next few days to help yourselves adjust and not dwell too much on the depressing thoughts.

You need to remind yourselves you've done the best you can for her.

 Your mother is in the hands of people who can provide the best care for her.


Posted: Friday, July 12, 2019 6:29 AM
Joined: 6/24/2012
Posts: 519

hkuchera.  You have done the right thing for you mom.  Yes, never did we ever expect to be in this position to make these decisions on behalf of our parents.  But know in your heart that she never, ever would have wanted for you and your sister to struggle or suffer on her behalf.  What she would want in her heart in her better days would be for you to live fully and joyfully. It's what all parents want for their children.  So take heart that this is going to be okay.  

I moved my mom two weeks ago and I see now that they are able to help her with things that were going so badly for her in the AL unit.  MC is better equipped and it shows.  Hang in there. None of these places is perfect,  but with communication it can come closer.   

Hugs and good luck.  

Posted: Friday, July 12, 2019 8:51 AM
Joined: 10/24/2018
Posts: 983

Holly, I'm thinking of you. You've done a very hard thing well. I *love* the quilting conference story!

When we moved Mom 600 miles (via a delightful day in airplanes) to my city, the first two weeks were the hardest. On her, on me, but apparently not on staff, who are accustomed to moving in. We'd had only the truth at our disposal-- what do you say to your mother who has a full and content and free life in AL, doesn't yet need more support,  and gets visits from out-of-town kids who suddenly can't take the health toll on themselves any more. Our fibs were truth at the time-- Chris will take you to many concerts! (I did. ) you will like Chris's church! (which unexpectedly shuttered its doors two months after she moved...) Bro will be able to visit more often! (Major Airline changed up their flight scheduling and suddenly Bro has no more full-day layovers in this he now takes the occasional weekend off to have a fuller visit than just the morning, or just afternoon.)

You've done your very best, which means it's best for mom also. As I hear round here, now you can be daughters again. I was never a full time caregiver, but can say that knowing I'll sleep in my own bed each night is very releasing. Go enjoy a small break, reconnect with your sis as sisters, a little retail therapy maybe... I'm wishing you and yours the very best!

Posted: Friday, July 12, 2019 9:18 PM
Joined: 1/28/2019
Posts: 3

Been there. I know EXACTLY the guilt, worry, and difficulty leaving a parent in the care of others. It’s very difficult at the beginning. We placed our dad in the spring. It has taken about 3.5 months to accept he is where he needs to be, and that he is getting excellent care by rested  staff who are not physically exhausted or emotionally worn from caring 24/7 for a stage 6 dementia patient. The physical “letting go” was easier than the  emotional “letting go” in my opinion. I always hold my dad in my heart. I will love him as long as I keep my mental faculties, but as fierce as my love is, I now realize my love was not enough to prevent or stop dementia in its tracks. The train keeps rolling down the track one sad day at a time. My mom and siblings cry often. Hugs to you all who are dealing with this dreadful disease.
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