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Frustrated, anxious, depressed.
I missed having someone to talk to and not being afraid to reply to anything she says for fear of agitating her further.
Never in a million years would I have thought my mom would be like this.
Well this is the end of the day and time to get ready for bedtime just to do it all again tomorrow.
It is a relief that the days are getting shorter.
Dejan, I'm so sorry you're in the lows. Your mom prolly isn't feeling to great about herself either. Ugh.
Have you been able to talk to her primary care doctor, or a geriatric psych doctor? There may be medication that can help her mellow a bit. Also, there may be meds that can assist you too. Mom and I both take a low dose of zoloft - it helped with her depression, and it helps me stay even keeled through trying dementia manifestations (like constant repeating).
Are there senior centers in your area? They often have caregiver support groups, and activities that may interest your mom. They usually aren't equipped to handle a dementia person on their own, but you may find a class or activity you guys can do together which may help her pop out of "repeat" at times.
Is there any day respite centers in your area? Senior centers often know if there's ones out there. Also your county office of Aging and Disabilities should have a list of respite options in your area. These have been a lifesaver for my sister and I as caregivers to our mom. We were reticent to try them at first, but eventually we had to have breaks during the day for our own sanity! And while Mom doesn't dig 'em everyday, they keep her engaged and active and it's benefited her all-around mental outlook.
Hang in there! Even with all the above that we've utilized I totally feel the same as you when she finally goes to bed and I can stop being a caregiver, for a few hours.
Dejan, I'm sorry you are feeling so frustrated and anxious and depressed. What kinds of things do you do for self-care? Your mother shares many of the same qualities as my mom . . . . walking on eggshells is exhausting. Do you have good friends who you can vent to? A therapist? And what about exercise- it's a good stress reliever. Are you able to have some time away from your mom, or are you her 24/7 caregiver?
Meanness coming from someone who you take care of is really difficult and feels unjust in some way. I know people say to "develop a thick skin" but that is easier said than done when you have to be around a person who berates you no matter what you do.
There is a great Brene Brown quote about "the story we tell ourselves about our lives"- I found that very powerful as a way to cope with my mother's mean comments. Let your story for yourself be composed of input from people who love and respect you and treat you kindly think of you, not what comes out of your mom's mouth. Your mother may be ill, but the fact is, she's mean. And that just totally sucks.
Also, I agree with Lickety- have you looked into local day respite options? Your local Council on Aging should have programs, and many of them are totally free or very low cost. The one in my town offers some programs which don't require the caregiver to attend.
Wow, listening to you sounds like your mom leaves your house and comes to my house. I will agree with what the others have said. Take some time to care for yourself. I sometimes suffer from guilt as though I am not doing my very best with my mom. I am learning daily to accept the fact that this is so much bigger than me. I can't fix this and neither can you. go to bed every night knowing that you are doing your best.
Remember is self-care is the one thing that you can control. Please take care of yourself and remember this too shall pass.