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Angry and ashamed
Posted: Monday, September 9, 2019 5:13 PM
Joined: 8/14/2019
Posts: 18

I took a bus out there this morning to take her to some appointments and grocery shopping. Someone had cancelled the appointments, so it was a waste of my time for those. But we did get some shopping done. That's getting even harder. She gets angry because she doesn't know where things are (but in her mind the store is moving them) and she gets confused and angry by sizes (not sure how that is a thing). It's completely unpleasant, but she feels a bit autonomous, so we put up with it.

Still no help from GFIL or FIL with care for GMIL. GFIL thinks he does enough because he lives in the house with her so he is "dealing with it full time". GFIL wanted to complain to me about my husband. Husband is taking a bit of a break from their house right now (he didn't go out on the weekend, but will be there Thursday). I told GFIL I was happy to listen to him and let him vent, but that I would not take GFIL's side or convince my husband to show up when he needs a break. GFIL started tearing into him a lot and saying terrible things. After a while I said that I really couldn't listen to any more of it, but that I could understand how he felt frustrated. My husband just needs a little break, but he'll be back. GFIL got defensive, started complaining about other things my husband does and says, in particular health issues. I replied that my husband is just looking out for him. Then GFIL turned on me, went on a diatribe about how I'm fat and not healthy. Yes, I could be healthier - I'm trying. I told him I'm doing the best I can, it's a little difficult because I'm there a lot and I'm still working out a schedule. He yelled that he didn't need me and I should just stay in New York. 

And that's when it happened. I just walked out of the house. I couldn't take it anymore. This is not the first time he's been offensive. He often yells at us and says insulting things. I'm so ashamed. I should have managed that differently. I find him more frustrating that my GMIL who has ALZ.

Posted: Monday, September 9, 2019 6:21 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17162

No words of wisdom but a huge hug has been sent!
Posted: Monday, September 9, 2019 7:07 PM
Joined: 6/11/2019
Posts: 187

Cut yourself some slack; you're human after all! Even Mother Teresa would have had a bad day dealing with this illness.

I understand though completely. I've lost my sh*t more than once and then regretted it horribly. Usually, though, it happened after days without sleep and having hours of abuse heaped on and on and on. Even the thickest of skin has soft spots.

Hang in there. It doesn't get better or easier but I think we learn how to manage it better. Doesn't mean you still won't storm out on occasion or say something you wish you could immediately take it back. It just won't happen as often.

Hugs, hugs and more hugs ...

Posted: Monday, September 9, 2019 10:11 PM
Joined: 9/21/2017
Posts: 834

You and your husband are emptying yourselves of time, energy and money for people that in her case ,and looks more and more like him too, aren't rational or well.

This will just get worse. Reason isn't working on either one, her you know why. He is either in his early stages or a jerk, or both.

You and your husband do not need to provide them care. FIL can sell his land and buy them some in home care.  Or just keep sitting on the sofa watching sports.

They cancelled appointments for her, thereby wasting your time. How totally rude.

When I get no respect or gratitude, I go.

 Maybe things have to get really bad for GIL to either wake him up or reveal his medical condition.

You have done nothing to be ashamed for, and so what if you lost composure for a second.

I would tell your husband you are taking a break from there. Plan things for the two of you .

Enjoy your lives. You can't fix theirs. This could go on for years and will get worse. The lawyer can tell your husband how to resign as DPOA.


(I think the size of items at the store maybe wigging her out because they have spatial issue -things distort. Distances look off, blind spots---I'd point at an item- it wouldn't be seen, car sideswiped stationary things "that moved."

Being in a stocked store- all the colors, shapes and size must look like a fun house mirror to some PWD.

BUT I can never find the anchovies myself. Those, they move.)

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