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Can't get over the anger
I agree with calling the 800 number. Ask to be transferred to a care consultant. These are professional people and it’s free of charge. I’m sorry things are so difficult. I understand. You are not alone. Good luck.
Are you familiar with fiblets? Sometimes the only way to get a PWD to cooperate is to lie. It can be painful emotionally but sometimes it’s the only way.
Example- tell your husband that the insurance company is requesting that you both have a physical before the years end. Schedule him an appointment with a neurologist or geriatric psychiatrist. Contact them before hand giving the details about his condition. Video him at his worst if possible to show the doctor. Discuss the appointment as little as possible with him. And DO NOT tell him what type of doctor it is and Do Not mention the words dementia or alzheimer’s in front of your husband. He’s probably already scared and it will upset him more.
I’m so sorry for you both.
My mother had a lot of anger around my dad's mixed dementia diagnosis. For starters, one of his dementias was to some degree self-inflicted as a result of alcohol abuse. And in the early stages of the disease, he lost over $350K day-trading and blew off the suggestions of his CPA and attorney to do Medicaid planning which left her in much worse shape financially than she expected. A couple of things helped her. I found her a good psychiatrist and therapist team who gave her a safe space to share her anger. They also put her needs first which was important in the context of pretty much every medical professional they saw putting dad's needs first.I found her a good IRL support group. There was nothing like her same age peers commiserating with her as she watched dad's best qualities fade and his worst intensify.Understanding anosogonosia helped her realize that dad, in his impaired state, was unable to recognize that he had dementia. It's not denial.
And this piece, too, helped her be more empathetic even when dad's dementia resulted in ghastly behavior.http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf
The hot line sounds like a good idea. I'd also consult with a financial adviser and two attorneys, one for Elder Law and one for family law. I'd find out what your rights and responsibilities are in the marriage and inquire about asset protection. There may be options for managing your husband's care, even if he is opposed to it. Knowing your options can give you power and help a little, imo.
Being around a PWD who has certain behaviors can be exhausting and overwhelming. I'd work on getting some respite time. Continually, telling yourself that his behavior is due to brain damage is helpful, but, you still need a break sometimes. It's just very stressful.
Other terminal illness besides alz/dementia would be a easier. Simply stating. I would rather have a year of a clear thinking person over a jumbled mom who will go on for YEARS asking me same question over and over. What does it feel like to be them?
I saw this post several days ago and even tried to respond, but didn't follow through. I think it hits too close to home, as I am in the same boat. My husband and I have these circular kind of conversations, if that's the right term, all the time. I am angry a lot, too. It helps me to try pinpointing what I'm really angry at, and I always find that it's not really my husband, but the situation, that is the focus of my upset. If I keep my anger to myself, it gets all bottled up and that's not good. If I vent my frustration at my husband, well, that does no good and makes things worse. I've always found keeping a journal to be helpful, but it's hard to keep that up and I have to keep it hidden, so I don't use that outlet much. I'm not one of those people who always has to be talking; in fact am actually rather introverted, but good golly, I feel like my husband and I have turned into two people having small talk in a waiting room instead of a married couple with real things that need to be discussed. I want to be open with the one person with whom I've always been able to talk freely about anything, but that's gone and it hurts like heck.
The anger always goes away, but it's replaced by great sadness, which is just as hard to process as the anger, in my opinion. Then there are stretches of time where am perfectly fine, no anger, no sadness, and I fool myself into thinking I'm overreacting, everything is okay, and I allow myself to be lulled into a state of happiness.......then he tells me some whopping story that never happened or the roof on our house caves in (really happened) and he can't make the decision about what to do as he once would. The anger-sadness-denial-happiness cycle starts all over again.
I really like what Abuela said. Even if there is no diagnosis, there is still obvious impairment, and the behaviors won't change if you are told he has something specific. My husband won't seek help, either, although he has had blood work (all fine) and an MRI. The practitioners at our healthcare clinic told me it will be important to practice validation, which is often easier said than done. I agree that there are lots of us out here in this situation.
Hope you're doing okay, and sorry I wasn't much help, but I wanted you to know you're not alone.