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Can't get over the anger
Posted: Tuesday, November 5, 2019 1:52 PM
Joined: 11/5/2019
Posts: 1

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can get over the anger that I feel towards my husband. I know he can't help it, but he is literally driving me crazy. He will not see a doctor and will never admit he has a problem. We have several non-sensical conversations per day, I feel like I can't cope.
caregiving daughter
Posted: Tuesday, November 5, 2019 3:46 PM
Joined: 11/27/2012
Posts: 2130

I would suggest calling the 1-800 alz support line and starting there
Posted: Tuesday, November 5, 2019 6:01 PM
Joined: 6/12/2016
Posts: 1043

I agree with calling the 800 number. Ask to be transferred to a care consultant. These are professional people and it’s free of charge. I’m sorry things are so difficult. I understand. You are not alone. Good luck.

Are you familiar with fiblets? Sometimes the only way to get a PWD to cooperate is to lie. It can be painful emotionally but sometimes it’s the only way. 

Example- tell your husband that the insurance company is requesting that you both have a physical before the years end. Schedule him an appointment with a neurologist or geriatric psychiatrist. Contact them before hand giving the details about his condition. Video him at his worst if possible to show the doctor. Discuss the appointment as little as possible with him. And DO NOT tell him what type of doctor it is and Do Not mention the words dementia or alzheimer’s in front of your husband. He’s probably already scared and it will upset him more.

I’m so sorry for you both.

Posted: Wednesday, November 6, 2019 6:32 AM
Joined: 6/24/2012
Posts: 546

So sorry you have to deal with this.  But say you go to a doctor and get a diagnosis, the behaviors won't change.  If he is not aware of what he is doing, he will not stop because a doctor told him that he has dementia.  The dementia always wins out.   So I agree, call the hotline and get advice.  And reach out for help.  There are lots of people dealing with this out there.
Posted: Wednesday, November 6, 2019 9:46 AM
Joined: 3/6/2017
Posts: 2223

My mother had a lot of anger around my dad's mixed dementia diagnosis. For starters, one of his dementias was to some degree self-inflicted as a result of alcohol abuse. And in the early stages of the disease, he lost over $350K day-trading and blew off the suggestions of his CPA and attorney to do Medicaid planning which left her in much worse shape financially than she expected. 

A couple of things helped her. 

I found her a good psychiatrist and therapist team who gave her a safe space to share her anger. They also put her needs first which was important in the context of pretty much every medical professional they saw putting dad's needs first.

I found her a good IRL support group. There was nothing like her same age peers commiserating with her as she watched dad's best qualities fade and his worst intensify.

Understanding anosogonosia helped her realize that dad, in his impaired state, was unable to recognize that he had dementia. It's not denial.

And this piece, too, helped her be more empathetic even when dad's dementia resulted in ghastly behavior.


Posted: Wednesday, November 6, 2019 4:11 PM
Joined: 10/9/2014
Posts: 1091

The hot line sounds like a good idea. I'd also consult with a financial adviser and two attorneys, one for Elder Law and one for family law.  I'd find out what your rights and responsibilities are in the marriage and inquire about asset protection. There may be options for managing your husband's care, even if he is opposed to it. Knowing your options can give you power and help a little, imo. 

 Being around a PWD who has certain behaviors can be exhausting and overwhelming.  I'd work on getting some respite time.  Continually, telling yourself that his behavior is due to brain damage is helpful, but, you still need a break sometimes.  It's just very stressful.  

Posted: Wednesday, November 6, 2019 5:03 PM
Joined: 2/6/2018
Posts: 290

I have been struggling with anger lately too. It suddenly vanished this morning after my Dad was trying to explain something to a nurse and all the wrong words were coming out so it was nonsensical. This is nothing new but today he said something like “it’s not making sense, even to me” and he looked really dejected afterwards. He just sat looking down at the ground, defeated. My anger was gone and I felt like crying and I felt so bad for the anger I had been feeling towards him. It’s really anger at the entire situation. A little while afterwards he said “Life’s a pain in the a**” and I knew he was referring to all he can no longer do and his general condition. Once I was alone I could cry. I feel angry about this whole “state of affairs”: this disease and people living on and on and on after their quality of life is gone, the healthcare system that supports longevity over quality of life, spouses and children struggling and giving up their own lives to become caregivers...for what purpose? etc. It’s one thing to help a LO to continue to live and enjoy their life as they wish...but spending years focusing on keeping a LO “safe” just for the sake of surviving as long as possible is not in anyone’s best interests, IMO. I didn’t mean to get on a soap box here, maybe I’m still recovering from my crying spell!  I guess I just wanted to say that we’re all under a lot of constant strain and I think phases of anger as well as depression, anxiety, etc are a byproduct of our circumstances.
Posted: Friday, November 8, 2019 6:42 PM
Joined: 4/10/2017
Posts: 278

Other terminal illness besides alz/dementia would be a easier.  Simply stating.  I would rather have a year of a clear thinking person over a jumbled mom who will go on for YEARS asking me same question over and over.  What does it feel like to be them?


Posted: Monday, November 11, 2019 9:59 PM
Joined: 5/25/2018
Posts: 15

I totally understand the anger. This effing disease is destroying my life and has changed me into someone that I am ashamed to be. My dad has been in MC since February, 2019 and the anger, resentment and a host of other feelings have been building up inside me since then. My mom visits him daily because she doesn't trust that he is being cared for well enough, even though she picked out a nice facility and approved of it, and still wants me to help check on him a few days a week. I finally had to take a 4-week LOA from my job because the anger, guilt, depression, stress, frustration, grief, etc., was overwhelming me and interfering with my ability to do my job. My mom had been my dad's FT caregiver for years (according to her he has had AD for 18 years but she didn't tell us until 5-6 years ago and it has been very slow to progress but he is otherwise very healthy) and it finally got to be too much for her, so she unilaterally made the decision to place him, which is fine. Previous to that I helped her out one full day a week plus one half day for the past few years. She tried HHC but never really gave them a chance to make it work and fired them after only a few days. My husband and I have an hour commute each way to our jobs, having to be at work at 6 am, which means getting up at 3:30 am., so I tried to help as much as I could. I have a sibling who lives out of state but offered to come one weekend a month to help out since he can work remotely, but of course that was just lip service and never happened once, and my mom refused to discuss it with him, instead relying on just me. Since I have been off work I managed to find a family therapist who also had a parent that she lost to AD, and a sibling that didn't lift a finger to help either, so she has been a source of comfort, understanding and relief for me. I don't post often on these message boards but I do find reading them to be a good outlet to help me through this nightmare. It's frustrating that there is no end in sight; even my dad's neurologist quit giving a life expectancy since my dad just keeps on trucking along and is otherwise healthy. The last time I saw my him was over a month ago and at that time he didn't know who I was anymore. I told my mom about a month ago that I can't handle this right now and I was stepping back for a while, for my own sanity. I hate going to visit him there, seeing him at that place with all the other dementia residents is stirring up emotions that I have yet to define. I hate myself for not doing more and for all of these terrible feelings and emotions I have, I feel like I am a selfish and terrible person. AD is a disease that just keeps on giving:  anger, stress, depression, grief - the list is long - while it robs your loved one of everything except the shell of who they once were. I'm so worried that I'll forget what my dad used to be like. I'm also worried that I will end up in MC someday and I have tremendous guilt about that, how selfish of me to worry about my future while all this is happening to our family in the present. I worry that once my dad is gone, I will forever remain this angry, resentful, hateful witch I've become. I'm really, really hoping my therapist is right that these kinds of feelings and emotions are normal and that she can help me. Sorry to threadjack, I guess I had more to vent than I thought. Just know that you are not alone in this "club that no one wants to be in", and try to find an outlet or two that you can express what you are going through, what you are feeling, and not keep it inside or it will erode your soul like is happening to me.
dutiful deb
Posted: Sunday, November 17, 2019 10:48 PM
Joined: 1/1/2012
Posts: 1877

Hi Callen,

I saw this post several days ago and even tried to respond, but didn't follow through. I think it hits too close to home, as I am in the same boat. My husband and I have these circular kind of conversations, if that's the right term, all the time.  I am angry a lot, too. It helps me to try pinpointing what I'm really angry at, and I always find that it's not really my husband, but the situation, that is the focus of my upset.  If I keep my anger to myself, it gets all bottled up and that's not good. If I vent my frustration at my husband, well, that does no good and makes things worse. I've always found keeping a journal to be helpful, but it's hard to keep that up and I have to keep it hidden, so I don't use that outlet much.  I'm not one of those people who always has to be talking; in fact am actually rather introverted, but good golly, I feel like my husband and I have turned into two people having small talk in a waiting room instead of a married couple with real things that need to be discussed. I want to be open with the one person with whom I've always been able to talk freely about anything, but that's gone and it hurts like heck. 

The anger always goes away, but it's replaced by great sadness, which is just as hard to process as the anger, in my opinion. Then there are stretches of time where  am perfectly fine, no anger, no sadness, and I fool myself into thinking I'm overreacting, everything is okay, and I allow myself to be lulled into a state of happiness.......then he tells me some whopping story that never happened or the roof on our house caves in (really happened) and he can't make the decision about what to do as he once would. The anger-sadness-denial-happiness cycle starts all over again. 

I really like what Abuela said. Even if there is no diagnosis, there is still obvious impairment, and the behaviors won't change if you are told he has something specific. My husband won't seek help, either, although he has had blood work (all fine) and an MRI.  The practitioners at our healthcare clinic told me it will be important to practice validation, which is often easier said than done.  I agree that there are lots of us out here in this situation. 

Hope you're doing okay, and sorry I wasn't much help, but I wanted you to know you're not alone. 

Gig Harbor
Posted: Wednesday, November 20, 2019 10:48 AM
Joined: 3/10/2016
Posts: 635

I don’t know where you live but can you find a support group? I found two that I attend once a month and they are helpful. Over time you get to know the people but time with them is limited. What I found most helpful was using my city as my login name and I was contacted by 3 ladies. We formed a group that now meets once a week for coffee. It has been two and a half years. Our group has expanded as we heard about more ladies caring for their husbands and invited them to join. Since starting 4 husband’s have died. We realize that this group will be constantly evolving but it has some really important benefits. We have gotten to know each other and no conversation is off limits. Sometimes it is about the husband’s but other days we almost never mention them. This group has given us new friends who get what we are going thru and to whom we can say exactly how we are feeling. If you are on a Facebook town talk or a NextDoor group you can put feelers out there and see if anyone wants to join you. It is worth the effort!
Posted: Wednesday, November 20, 2019 1:25 PM
Joined: 6/12/2016
Posts: 1043

Gig harbor, that’s great! Good for you and the others in your group.
S Kay
Posted: Thursday, November 21, 2019 11:48 AM
Joined: 5/31/2019
Posts: 27

So wish I had any words of wisdom to help. I have so much frustration with my mother.  My day is full of constant contradictions.  She remembers any given situation the way she wants so she is never wrong.  Unfortunately, most people we interact with believe every word she says (even family). I have been attempting daily to reset my attitude and have more empathy without much success.  Know that just hearing there are good people out there also struggling to find a way to deal is helpful. Reading this board helps me and meditation helps me also.  Hope you find your way to feeling better soon.
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