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Jo, eagle, et al, help needed
Rescue mom
Posted: Friday, November 29, 2019 7:15 PM
Joined: 10/12/2018
Posts: 1496

More expert help is needed, by a new poster kind of “hidden” in the thread about how did your day (Thanksgiving) go.....
Posted: Friday, November 29, 2019 7:35 PM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 5080

Here is Lone Daughter's message.

My parents live about 600 miles away. My mom was diagnosed with dementia this year, but we know she has not been the same since 2016 when she had a massive heart attack and a quadruple bypass with complications including a bleed out after the removal of a balloon pump. She was in the hospital/for 3+ months and then rehab nursing home before she finally starting coming back mentally. I am not sure that my dad is being completely honest with me about how much she is declining. This summer when she came to visit, she did not recognize me or my house for a few minutes, but then was ok for the rest of the 10 days or so she was here. My dad mentioned an incident where she was setting the table at home and set a place setting for my brother (who passed away in 2010). That was about it for major issues. Otherwise, there is forgetting where she put things, repeating herself, some mixing dreams with reality etc- some of which she has done for years.

What prompted me to join this forum is that when I called them yesterday to wish them a Happy Thanksgiving, I could tell there was something wrong with my mom. She kept asking my dad to tell me who he was and he kept saying his name. She kept saying my dad wasn't there and she didn't know where he was, but there was this man there saying he was my dad's name. At the same time she was telling me what they made for Thanksgiving dinner and how she couldn't remember how to make our family noodles. My dad was on the phone too saying he was there all day. He made small talk and I told them to call me back this morning which they did not do. I called them and she was better, but firmly believed my dad was gone for part of the day yesterday and there was a man there wearing his clothes. She said it was weird and she was kind of out of it yesterday, but at the same time she was asking my dad to tell me how good their pumpkin pie was. She was sure of this other man and my dad being gone. Anyway, she was pretty much like her "normal" other than the thing about the man in my dad's clothes. I can't get my dad to call me when she is asleep or he is alone. Whenever I call, she answers or if he does, he puts her on the phone too. Not sure what to do, does this come and go? Is my dad covering for her? What do I do? I am so far away. I have a daughter turning 13 next week and am starting a new stressful sales job. I am overwhelmed with stress and worry. I will call again tomorrow to see how things are going... Any thoughts, advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated!



Posted: Friday, November 29, 2019 7:48 PM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 5080

I am assuming your mother is still under the care of a doctor and her physical and brain issues are being addressed. If not, then she needs to be under the care of someone who can address changes in her behaviors.

If you get a chance, you should go to your parents' home and have a very frank discussion with your father about your mother's dementia and ask what you can do to help him. Go there with some books about dementia and read them yourself so you know about it enough to have a good talk and so you can help him with questions. I found that knowledge was power when it came to helping my mother.

 If your mother is "content" then the issue becomes how to keep her that way. We have to treat our LO with dementia differently than we would someone with a normal brain. I followed Jo Huey's 10 Absolutes for Alz Caregivers:

I also read as many books as I could about caregiving. You'll find your mother's behaviors are very typical for someone with dementia. Your mother has a disease that is affecting her brain which in turn affects her memory, skills and functioning. She is doing the best she can-remember that.  Good luck.

Posted: Saturday, November 30, 2019 12:45 PM
Joined: 3/7/2012
Posts: 2507

Thank you Rescue Mom for bring this to our attention. 

Lone Daughter if you happen to read this please start a new thread. That way things pertaining to your LO will all be in one specific place.

As for your concern I certainly think you have a reason to be concerned. First off since your mom has had a multitude of health issues I'm wondering how many various medications is she taking? Is she really taking them? Making certain some new medication that has been added could, I repeat could, be causing some issues. Maybe she has a UTI but hasn't mentioned it to your dad. That should be check. 

You don't mention that she's been to a neurologist. That needs to happen to get a diagnosis. That way you would have a better way of knowing what type of ALZ/Dementia you are dealing with. 

Since your father sounds like he overwhelmed have you had the conversation with him about their wills? Legal papers, etc.? Are you the POA? Is all of this current? I don't want to overwhelm you more, but these things need to be addressed now. Personally and unfortunately for you I would go to see them for these conversations. I don't think it would be wise to do via a phone call. Again that is how I would handle it, you know them both best.

As for some information to help you please go to the top of this screen, where it says solutions. If you click there you will find various topics to click on. You want to have some information and knowledge before having a difficult conversation.

I'm sorry your here, but we are here to help you out. We are a wealth of information and practical idea's that might help you at some point. Let us know how its going and fill in the blanks so we can even better help you out.


Jo C.
Posted: Saturday, November 30, 2019 4:18 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 10874

Thank you very much Rescue Mom for calling our attention to this, that is very kind of you.  I have written an independent  Thread for Lone Daughter in hopes she will see it; you will find it on the grid addressed to her.

Thank you again,


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