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Caregivers Who Have Lost Someone
My person with dementia passed away yesterday
My mother died yesterday afternoon after 24 hours on Comfort Care hospice in the hospital.
I spent her last 50 hours with her in the hospital.
She had declined rapidly and was hospitalized for head pain and weakness and not wanting to eat.
I chose hospice care after assessments by two doctors.
She was still verbal and was very confused, frightened and in pain. My sister or I were with her without a break from ERs of two hospitals, then admittance to the second hospital.
After the comfort meds were started, she was pain and fear free through to the end. We talked to her though she was not responsive. People far away were able to call and we put the phone to her ear so they could say their goodbyes. We talked to her of memories and recent family news.
It was fairly sudden, and I haven't had time to process it all yet.
I did not want her to die yet am grateful she is not suffering any more.
Stage 8 is an appropriate term.
Many thanks. Anticipatory grief before her death doesn't seem to have diminished the grief upon her passing.
We are postponing our gathering to share stories about her until after the health crisis has passed.
I would recommend you not wait too long to get counseling if you are struggling.
I blacked out three days the first week of her death. The third blackout really scared me and I got an emergency appointment with a Hospice Counselor. It took six months for me to start to come to terms with my wife's death. I'm still in therapy and learning something with each session.
That's what I'd recommend you not do - delay getting help if you feel you need it.
Lots of love coming your way. It's so hard to watch our loved ones go through this terrible disease. You are very lucky to have been there in her last moments. That is a treasure. I lost my mom two years ago this June 6th and it still hurts very much. It's a pain that just never goes away. Be kind to yourself and reach out to any of us here if you need to talk. Being isolated will help you mourn on your own terms but you will need to vent as well. Take care kawkaw.
- xoxoxo Kat
I am so sorry about your Mom. I wish you peace and comfort now and in the days to come. There will be ups and downs, and I hope you continue to come here for comfort and support.
No, anticipatory grief did not at all diminish my grief when I lost my mom to Alzheimer's in 2017. I also realized that having been a primary caregiver greatly increased the grief as that level of care creates a deep and different attachment.
You can be thankful for the blessing that neither you nor your mom had to deal with her disease during this covid-19 pandemic where you would not have been able to be with her. I cannot imagine how I would have dealt with that.
You can also be thankful for the blessing that you were with your mom when she passed. I too am grateful that I had that blessing because I know it is not always possible.
My prayers go out to you as you progress through your stages of grief. Enjoy the memories.
I grieve with you.
My only suggestion is to take care of your needs as much as possible during your vigil.
The music, the reading and the sound of your voice must be comforting to your wife. My thoughts are with you both.
Gary just be there, hold her hand and tell her you love her. It will help her to know she is not alone and is loved before her transition. We did this for my mom and I know she was at peace before she left us. Sending strength and comfort to you during this most difficult time.
The wound never quite heals, the scar remains, sometimes, a memory of something like a cloud, a shadow, a rainbow, the sunlight through the trees and they are there.
It squeezes out tears or a smile. The thought of what they would of said before the thief took them from me. You don’t move on. You live on. It cost the heart, so you file that away and remember. We will always remember.
My father died Christmas Day 2018, of vascular dementia. The label of the thief does not matter, we all are in the same boat. My heart is with you.
So sad for your loss.
Tomorrow I will do the eulogy at the funeral service for my 65 year old wife of 41 years that died last week.
She suffered from dementia for 5 years and was placed in hospice care one month ago. She was a beautiful person and had the greatest laugh and love for family. She will be greatly missed.