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Caregivers Who Have Lost Someone
A month goes by
I went and visited family during the Thanksgiving holiday. I didn’t go in the Spring with wife illness getting worse and Covid. I drove familiar route that I go from Phoenix to Albuquerque to Amarillo to Oklahoma. I thought a lot on the drive and came to some conclusions as to what this disease did to me. She died just over a month ago.
I can empathize with you and what you wrote. I'm in month 15 since my wife died.
The "something broke inside" feeling is with me. I felt like "our" world died and half of me died with her. I'm trying to cope now by forming new friendships with people who weren't part of the 'old world'.
Do you feel you neglected your wife by not hiring a Caregiver sooner? Guilt is a normal reaction because we all want to save our LO and are doomed to failure no matter what we did. If there was a specific incident involving your wife where you now think a caregiver should have been present, you might want to examine that with the counselor.
The loneliness in the house.....I still feel my wife's presence in the living room and in the bedroom. I don't mind being alone, but the loneliness is depressing. When I'm lonely, I cope by lighting a candle and talking to her portrait. In the bedroom, I talk to her through a teddy bear she kept since her childhood. It helps because I feel like she can hear me from the other side....I ask her every night to come back to me in someone else's body if "possession" is possible....
I can only sleep 3-5 hours at a time. I wake up twice a night. I keep a book of expert level sudoku puzzles next to me. They're very difficult so it takes only about 30-45 minutes of working on one to tire me out. If you are just lying awake at night, you might try keeping a book of "brain teasers" next to you, or a book, or a DVD to watch to tire you out...
What to do with one's life now? I would love to find a new partner, but I don't know if I can ever bond with another person because the bond with my deceased wife is as strong as it was when she was alive...I am doing volunteer work to feel useful, but not being able to bond with another person compounds the loneliness (sad lol)....
If my responses to you contain stuff that seems "crazy", I won't disagree with you because I do doubt my mental well being at times....It's a new world that we Caregivers have been thrust into, and we don't get the benefit of being newborns who can grow and adapt ourselves to it.
Get the counseling and take the counselor seriously. You're going through a hell that caregivers don't deserve, and yet...here we are.
I had a 1 hour online grieve counseling session and have another next week. I am still very sad most days. I tried to keep busy during the holiday and painted our bathroom and went hiking a couple of times. The house is so empty.
I work from home and was back at it this week, but don’t have much interest in work.
I miss my wife so much. I hated what Alzheimer’s did to her, to us, what it took from me.
I miss Lydia.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Prayer is about all i can do myself.
I miss my mother so much i don't know how to move on..
One day at a time, one second at a time.. stay busy.. thinking is what is hardest..
My Barbara passed just last month on December 20, and even though this was expected, it still felt somehow like everything was rushed. I talk to her too, asking her permission to change the tv to a sci-fi show that I like, or explaining that the kids ( her collection of stuffed animals ) need to go and make some other people happy.
I think one of the toughest parts for me has been as I go through her " treasures ; " her crafting supplies, and her shells. Omg ! There are jars and cans of sea shells EVERYWHERE ! I posted some of her things on a local website, and it sort of bothers me that the things that she had collected for over 40 years, seem to have little value to others. Having said that though, I remember a time when she was working, there was an elderly lady who came to her desk and noticed her collection of a few sea shells, and asked if she would like some more.Of course Barbara said " yes, " and the next day this lady came in with her collection. It was beautiful ! These had been her treasures, but no one was interested in them.
Now I am in the same place. Still, nothing can take away the good memories I will keep - except maybe dementia - and those memories are what keep me going.
I know that I can either be destroyed because she is gone, or I can be glad that we had 38 wonderful years of marriage.
I keep on pursuing the latter, while talking with her every day.
Here I’m on a Sunday night reading the posts of people that are having the exact feelings that I’m having after loosing my DH 5 weeks ago. I also talk to him all day and I can’t bring myself to empty his closet or remove his hobby collections. We were married for 51 years and we had a very good life. He was a true gentleman, liked and respected by whoever crossed his life and up to the end he made an effort to say “thank you” to the nurse and “I’ll be ok” to me and our son.
Loneliness will kill me. I don’t mind, I’m only living with half of my heart.
I am in now just over 3 Months into losing my wife to Alzheimer's. I took a week off work last week. The last several weeks have been very hard. I went to Laughlin, Nevada and walked along the Colorado river and it helped to see nature etc. Gambled a little, ate out, and I took my camera and took pictures. It was good to get away.
Some things still happening:
I'm very sorry about your loss. Please accept my condolences. I can't imagine losing a spouse. Your pain is palpable. We are told that grief is a process and that everyone is different. I say that to myself when I start feeling sad or emotional.
Have you seen your doctor lately? I might contact him/her and schedule a checkup, even it's virtual. They are okay. I've done some for myself and with my parents. I'd let them know how you're feeling. Rule out any kind ailment that might be going on too that could be bothering you.
Weather has not permitted to go visit my LO's grave this past week, but I will be going when things improve. I've decided to take her a letter that I'm writing. And, I'll play some of her favorite music. I think she'll like it.
I have paraphrased some of this story from it's original form. It has helped me knowing that my mother didn't just leave me, but she was welcomed into the loving arms of the angels. She was welcomed with kindness and good cheer.
I stood watching as the little ship sailed out to sea.
The setting sun tinted the white sails with a golden light, and as the ship disappeared from sight,
a voice at my side whispered,
“She is gone.”
But the sea was a narrow one.
On the farther shore a little band of friends had gathered to watch and wait in happy expectation.
Suddenly they caught sight of the tiny sail and, at the very moment when my companion had whispered, “She is gone” a glad shout went up in joyous welcome,
“Here she comes!"