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Husband in ICU
CareGiverWife
Posted: Saturday, July 24, 2021 12:29 PM
Joined: 9/19/2020
Posts: 110


My husband has/had a blood clot in his leg and is in ICU.  He has bypass leg surgery two days ago.  This is the third operation since January 2021, 2 hip replacements and now the leg.  I called the hospital and he is very week and the nurses are keeping him “comfortable”.   I called again today and the nurse told me he has a pulse in his foot.  

I had to ask the nurse “will he make it, is he going to die on me?”   I told my son this and he said “wow I never heard anyone call a hospital and ask that!” But not in a pleasant tone at all.

I have to sell my home to pay for the facility my husband is in.  I am doing all this p king on my own right now.  My other son lives locally but his two little children were exposed to COVID-19.  So, he can’t come to help.

Was I wrong in asking the nurse that question?  My son made me feel extremely guilty.  I say good bye I can’t talk right now.

I have to know what is going on with my husband. I have to prepare myself for the worse.  I am 76 and so is my husband.

Need someone to please connect with me on this.  I am alone with no other family then my two sons. 

 


LadyTexan
Posted: Saturday, July 24, 2021 12:48 PM
Joined: 12/21/2018
Posts: 1167


Dear CareGiverWife, 

I am so sorry that you are going through so much. It must be very unsettling and scary.

I can imagine, I would ask the doctor and the nurse the same question you asked. I would likely follow up with telling the health care team to keep DH comfortable and take no heroic measures, which is consistent with his advanced directive and wishes.

I don't believe you were wrong in asking the question. I would rather know than not know, when it can be determined. I suspect your son is unsettled by the situation, which may account for his moodiness. 

Please don't feel guilty. As I have read on this forum before: throw the guilt in the trashcan. Your energy is needed for other things, NOT GUILT. 

Take care and know that we are here for you.


Crushed
Posted: Saturday, July 24, 2021 1:08 PM
Joined: 2/2/2014
Posts: 6691


CareGiverWife wrote:

I had to ask the nurse “will he make it, is he going to die on me?”   I told my son this and he said “wow I never heard anyone call a hospital and ask that!” But not in a pleasant tone at all.

Was I wrong in asking the nurse that question?  My son made me feel extremely guilty.



  I  asked the question for my father in law. Will he make it ? 

The answer was NO  

My wife was a physician, I've spent a lot of time around hospitals and doing informed consent.   The kindest thing I can say about your son is that his ignorance is painful
 No guilt

 


June45
Posted: Saturday, July 24, 2021 1:44 PM
Joined: 10/16/2020
Posts: 207


You were not wrong in asking the nurse that question.  As someone who was responsible for the care of both my mother and father, there was a time when I asked their doctors that question.  And in the future, if I am in a situation similar to yours, I will ask that question about my husband. And as LT said, "I would rather know than not know...". You are not alone.


 


Rescue mom
Posted: Saturday, July 24, 2021 1:49 PM
Joined: 10/12/2018
Posts: 2144


I’ve been in ICU and heard people ask that about me. DH was in ICU a couple times before Alzheimer’s, and I asked that. So did other family members. I’ve overheard strangers asking the same question about their LOs in the hospital. It’s absolutely NOT an unusual question. What was said to you is terribly wrong, on several levels. I’m sorry you have to deal with that on top of everything else. But you did nothing wrong.
JDancer
Posted: Saturday, July 24, 2021 1:54 PM
Joined: 8/1/2020
Posts: 135


The only problem with your question, is how difficult it is to answer. Blood clots are frequently fatal. They can move to the lungs (PE) quickly and cause death. Your question was appropriate, your husband's caregivers were probably not the least bit surprised by it. People in critical care are, by definition, in critical condition. I'm sorry you are going through this.
jfkoc
Posted: Saturday, July 24, 2021 2:02 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 20034


NO GUILT!!!!
I would want to know too.

I think it would be reasonable to be "prepared" for the worst but hopeful that the worst does not happen. Please take anything your children say with a large grain of salt. They are suffering emotionally also.

If in fact the end is near do you want to sell your home? 

Have you considered calling an Hospice for a consult?

Being on the edge of possible end of lie has to be close to unbearable. It is oh so painful.

We are with you!!!!!

 


JJ401
Posted: Saturday, July 24, 2021 2:04 PM
Joined: 6/19/2018
Posts: 216


Your husband is in the ICU — intensive care unit. Patients in this unit are in serious condition. Spouses and relatives of those admitted most often are thinking will he/she make it. They ask the same question you asked. I’ve asked it. It’s a totally appropriate question for a patient in the ICU.
CareGiverWife
Posted: Saturday, July 24, 2021 2:09 PM
Joined: 9/19/2020
Posts: 110


jfkoc wrote:
NO GUILT!!!!
I would want to know too.

I think it would be reasonable to be "prepared" for the worst but hopeful that the worst does not happen. Please take anything your children say with a large grain of salt. They are suffering emotionally also.

If in fact the end is near do you want to sell your home? 

Have you considered calling an Hospice for a consult?

Being on the edge of possible end of lie has to be close to unbearable. It is oh so painful.

We are with you!!!!!

 

My house is going on the market middle of august. I cannot afford to live here and pay for the Memory Care Facility.   I always have been a preparer so I am doing so now. Thank you for your response

CareGiverWife
Posted: Saturday, July 24, 2021 2:11 PM
Joined: 9/19/2020
Posts: 110


Thank you all for responding to my post.  I am dealing with his physical health issues for 9 years.  Now this is the icing on the cake for me. I have reach my limit

God bleed you all!!!


Sayra
Posted: Saturday, July 24, 2021 2:48 PM
Joined: 8/10/2016
Posts: 3134


As someone who worked in ICU for many years, your question was a good question.
Iris L.
Posted: Saturday, July 24, 2021 3:41 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 17401


My cousin, at a younger age than your DH, was in a rehab hospital for four months after a blood clot.  My point is, even if your DH manages to be released from ICU and the acute hospital, he may still be in a compromised state, requiring skilled care.  You are doing the right thing to make plans for all contingencies.  

 

Iris


Paris20
Posted: Saturday, July 24, 2021 4:36 PM
Joined: 5/30/2019
Posts: 115


CareGiverWife, your question was logical, pertinent, and absolutely appropriate. I would have done the same. A surprise is the last thing you need right now. Your son may become more empathic when he’s older but adolescent critiques should be a no-no. Your son is the one who should feel guilty.
Lgw
Posted: Saturday, July 24, 2021 4:59 PM
Joined: 11/12/2020
Posts: 14


YEs you should be allowed to ask that and any other question. Take her name down and when the hospital sends a how did we do questionnaire don't hesitate to report that person. When a loved one is in ICU or in the hospital for any reason there questions should be treated with respect!
loveskitties
Posted: Saturday, July 24, 2021 5:47 PM
Joined: 6/14/2021
Posts: 180


First, please don't feel guilty in asking that question.  You need to know what to expect so that you can be prepared, whichever way the situation goes.

It sounds like your son didn't grasp the seriousness of the situation.  Surgery for those with dementia is very serious regardless of the issue causing the need.  It may also be that son does not want to face the reality of your LO's situation.  Some folks will never believe the end is possibly near until it happens.

Please put your son's remarks in the "round file" where they belong.  You are doing the things you feel you need to, and unless he is willing to step up and do more to help you, his opinion is just that...his.

Will you LO be able to return to MC?  Some of the ones I have checked out will not do skilled nursing care.  Might be worth discussing with his surgeon what he will require and then check with the MC folks to make sure of their status.

Wishing you the best as you deal with so much.


CareGiverWife
Posted: Saturday, July 24, 2021 7:32 PM
Joined: 9/19/2020
Posts: 110


My son is 52 year old. At that age he should know better.
 Paris20 wrote:
CareGiverWife, your question was logical, pertinent, and absolutely appropriate. I would have done the same. A surprise is the last thing you need right now. Your son may become more empathic when he’s older but adolescent critiques should be a no-no. Your son is the one who should feel guilty.


Buggsroo
Posted: Saturday, July 24, 2021 8:20 PM
Joined: 3/25/2021
Posts: 95


No guilt, none.

You have to ask these questions. My dad was in intensive care and my mother was a walking zombie, so my brother and I asked the blunt questions. They are necessary, no one has the right to make someone else feel bad for asking the hard questions. You need to be prepared.

It is amazing how friends, family etc. behave when a person’s partner has dementia. Judgement, acting if it is contagious etc. I have learned a lot since going down this road.


Cynbar
Posted: Sunday, July 25, 2021 7:39 AM
Joined: 2/29/2020
Posts: 785


CGWife, please don't hold this against your son. Emotions are running high, both of you are suffering in your own ways. Lots of us have made insensitive comments when we're under a lot of stress. No, there was nothing wrong with your question, in fact I think it had to be asked. He's probably in denial of how serious this situation is,  isn't ready to face it. Sometimes family can't give us support because they are dealing with too much themselves. I don't know what your relationship is with your son overall, but try to give him a pass in this instance, hard as it is for you.
 
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