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Misleading and manipulating husband
KWoz
Posted: Tuesday, November 23, 2021 6:04 AM
Joined: 7/6/2021
Posts: 12


My mother, best friend, lives with my step father. Im 3 hours from her but would visit often or have her here with me and the kids for months at a time and she was always so much better and always happy. My siblings live by me but rarely bother to even visit. I've been paying her bills, fixing passwords and doing all the "keep this between you and me cause people will think I'm crazy " stuff since 2018. My step dad also always calls on me when he needs anything. She was last here 8 months ago for 6 weeks. She was wanting to go home and I offered to drive the whole distance since it was a day early and I guess this upset my step dad. He started messaging my older sister then I was told I'm a pain to deal with and why can't I stick to the plans. I finally got brave enough to ask why my mother couldn't come home if he's just sitting there and I'm doing all the driving. I guess that ruined it for me. I took her back at their arranged time and he didn't even hug her. He brushed past her open arms and left after she got in his car not saying a word to either of us. She was hurt. I told her not to worry everything was ok. I should have put her back in my car and kept her at that moment. She called me and I nearly fell over. She was on speaker phone and said she wanted me to leave her alone that I'm making trouble there and to stop calling. My kids and fiance were by me and their jaws dropped as tears rolled down my face as I pleaded, begged and apologized for whatever it was I did and said how much I love her. She said goodbye and hung up. Since then she has just deteriorated tremendously. She sneaks to call me and says she is sorry and hopes I understand that she has to live with him and if she upsets him he's horrible to her. And he is. He screams about her not being able to remember anything and reminds her she has alzheimer's which you are never to do. I finally recorded it and him threatening to move if she ever came to see me. I finally called the local protection agency after years of holding back and now she won't even talk to me because they did a welfare check and he told her it was me even though it's anonymous. My siblings went off on me and said I made things worse and I don't love my mother. Im the youngest and we are the closest. She requested I do her POA in 2019 and not tell anyone because she didn't want to hear about it and knew i would do what was right for her. I did what she asked but unfortunately I didn't know to have it notarized. Now he took her and had a POA in his name done. She didn't request it, she told me when she asked me that she just doesn't trust him. Well....my siblings are ok with her being treated this way and love that I am suffering. I wasn't allowed in the house since May, he pushed her out on the porch when I got there the one time he allowed me and the kids and I took her to lunch and she had to find her way into the house because we couldn't even use the bathroom. Drove back home. Now she won't even talk to me since the investigation. Im sick. My kids are missing school and devastated because she is a huge part of our family. She has never stayed with anyone but us. The social worker spoke to my siblings and suggested they, not me, make 2 visits per month to give her much older husband a break. I was not contacted again. They never side with me and if she lived with me they made it clear they would not have their lives interfered with that it's on me AND THAT'S FINE! She never wanted them to visit when they did make an hour available for her because she has to act like she's expected to by them like I do. They are judgmental but make poor choices from their pedestals but have lots of money so it's excusable. My mother and I stopped going to get together years ago because her and I sat in a corner entertaining each other and snuck out asap because it was no fun for us. I don't know what to do. He's poisoning what is left of her mind about me and when he decides he's had enough I'm the only one who sincerely wants my mother with me. They plan to put her in a home. I promised her I never would let that happen. Please, PLEASE give me any advice you can. Im desperate and shocked that the agency didn't even contact me or my mother's siblings who know this is a horrible change in character for her.
harshedbuzz
Posted: Tuesday, November 23, 2021 6:31 AM
Joined: 3/6/2017
Posts: 3125


KWoz-

I am so sorry you are dealing with this situation and I don't have any real advice for you going forward. Not for nothing do we call APS well check the nuclear option. 

It is possible that your SD is experiencing his own cognitive shift and has developed suspicion and paranoia around you personally. Does he have children looking out for him? Your mom's disease will progress and it's possible he will change his mind about you as incontinence sets in or sleep disruption impacts his ability to function. You may look very attractive as a care option once he prices out a facility. That said, she would probably be better cared for by a decent MCF than she is by him alone and unless he specifically barred you, you could visit.

A Certified Elder Law Attorney would have a better idea of steps you might be able to take to see your mom or to create a Plan B should SD die first. Legal stuff is best discussed with an expert. 

HB



dayn2nite2
Posted: Tuesday, November 23, 2021 7:50 AM
Joined: 6/20/2016
Posts: 2818


Unfortunately, sometimes calling APS can have repercussions like this.  You can try to challenge for guardianship, but you will be fighting your entire family and him and will probably lose.

Why would you protest him placing her?  Don't you think that would be a better environment for her, rather than being verbally and emotionally abused in her own home?  Get out of the box of "I promised I'd never place her."  If I were in your shoes, I'd much prefer she be cared for by professionals who won't abuse or threaten her.  You should also be able to see her if she is placed, unless the placement is kept secret from you (and I have seen this happen to children, where the rest of the family won't say where the parent is or the parent is moved if the child visits them there).

Bad situation, no real way for you to win here, but the best option is them placing her.
KWoz
Posted: Tuesday, November 23, 2021 7:53 AM
Joined: 7/6/2021
Posts: 12


Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. My SD has been ill with bowel incontinence since before they married and now has even more problems which require him to leave her alone fpr extended periods while in the bathroom or sleeping. He has told her to come live with me prior to him being upset with me. I have all the messages and conversations about her wanting me to be her POA while she was still able to think clearly. He pushed her to sign him as POA and im scared to even know what it states because she does and says whatever he wants just to keep things calm. Everyone in my family agreed she should be with me and the kids and how it would benefit her but now they're more worried about having to take part in her life if she is local to them. It's sad. The worst part is that time is so crucial. When everyone is done playing their power roles they will walk away and leave me to make things right and I will.
KWoz
Posted: Tuesday, November 23, 2021 7:56 AM
Joined: 7/6/2021
Posts: 12


I, without a doubt, would rather her be placed somewhere that she can thrive in a positive environment and be around people she isn't intimated by that she could make some friends. Best interest definitely comes before any promises.
dayn2nite2
Posted: Tuesday, November 23, 2021 7:58 AM
Joined: 6/20/2016
Posts: 2818


If it were me, I'd unplug from this family and plug back in if necessary (if she is placed or they walk away).

Continue on with your life, disengage from the dysfunction and hope for the best is all you can do.
MN Chickadee
Posted: Tuesday, November 23, 2021 8:10 AM
Joined: 9/7/2014
Posts: 1363


I would definitely hire an attorney who works in elder law. Even if there is nothing to be done at this moment, have a relationship with an attorney ready. It sounds like your step dad's physical or mental health may spin out of control and you may have to step in during a crisis and you will want firm legal footing and advice. The attorney would also know if there is any hope of undoing the POA or anything to be done via the courts. Does SD have his own kids or family members who might have POA for him? In either case you want legal advice from a good elder law attorney. In your shoes I might also research memory care facilities, both in her town and yours as a back up plan. In the event something happens and he is willing to send her to a facility, having done the research and being on the waitlist at some decent ones would help in that crisis. Maybe he will be willing to do that eventually as her dementia causes all kinds of inconveniences for him as she progresses. He might not want her to come live with you but a quality facility is not the enemy here, she would get much better care there and you'd be able to visit more and over see her care.
Quilting brings calm
Posted: Tuesday, November 23, 2021 8:22 AM
Joined: 10/16/2020
Posts: 579


Because I also have a mom with dementia( officially MCI), and a difficult step-dad, I can relate to your story.   My step-dad has  several physical ailments that will eventually take him. Might have cognitive issues himself.  His kids will occasionally be around for a few weeks but his behavior chases them away just as it has for decades. I have medical POA for both of them, but only full POA on her.  They are in assisted living. I would love to have them in two separate facilities but they can’t afford that. Plus my mom is co-dependent towards him and would be crying for him an hour after a move like that.  Their doctor advised me to walk back some for my own mental health. He reminded me they are in a safe place.  

My suggestion to you:  Walk back for your own mental health.  Your kids need you to be involved with their lives.  They need to see you up and about in your own life so that they will get up and attend school etc. Encourage all discussion of  your mom being placed in a facility.  It will be a much safer and more pleasant experience for her than living at home with your step-dad.  There will be people to talk to and have activities with.  She will receive care and be fed. She won’t be screamed at by him.  Interaction between the two of them will be supervised by others.  

I would not pursue guardianship for either of them as long as he lives if I were you.   

You cannot change everything and everyone else even though you can see that their situation is unacceptable.  This is one of those situations- except you can encourage placement so that she will at least be away from him. 


KWoz
Posted: Tuesday, November 23, 2021 9:28 AM
Joined: 7/6/2021
Posts: 12


You're not the first one to tell me I need to take a break from them. When they need something....they call me. I hate to not have my mother's back when I know how she raised me and what she would say and expect but I think things need to settle down after all this for her sake and, unfortunately, at her loss. I will keep paying her bills and wait for my opportunity with her. Thank you
KWoz
Posted: Tuesday, November 23, 2021 9:35 AM
Joined: 7/6/2021
Posts: 12


His son is his POA. I read his papers when my mom took me to their social security box because she wanted to find things that have disappeared. He doesn't even know where the key is. She is already an inconvenience. He counts how many rags she uses, how much laundry soap she "wastes", tells her she is scrubbing the ******* finish off the appliances and so much more. So she sits in a chair all day. I am just disgusted because he left her twice when she had cancer and I went a took care of her so it's just a matter of time. His kids want nothing to do with him. I won't let him treat my mother how he treated his who died of alzheimer's. No way.
KWoz
Posted: Tuesday, November 23, 2021 9:38 AM
Joined: 7/6/2021
Posts: 12


Wow. You really are on the same page as me. I appreciate your response and agree my kids, 16 and 13, need some mom time.
 
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