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No one cares
I understand…we understand! I care… we care…wish there was more I/we could do than just listen. This is so hard, putting our lives on hold or even wearing our lives down until the end.
I am consistently nerved up these days. I can feel the physical toll my emotions or lack of emotion is taking on me. My stomach is nervous or something like that even when I’m “relaxing”. I want to scream or cry to let off some of the pressure.
I do have some respite time this morning. I ran away from her house as fast as I could. Still I feel nerves. Yet, I find I can think about solutions to the many issues a little better when not in her presence. And even though I’m thinking about her and the situation, not breathing the same airspace is helpful. Not smelling the same smells and/or seeing the same atmosphere helps.
Somehow you must try to get significant chunks of time away. Both of you will benefit. My mom definitely gets sick of my face and voice too. Your emotional and physical health are important, maybe more than your LOs. Weird to say, but could be true. You have a life that’s important. I’m sorry your siblings haven’t stepped up. May be time to demand it.
Please keep venting and talking, you’re helping us too when you do.
Hi Neverends - welcome to 'here', where you can vent. I care.
check on resources in your area. Obviously, you cannot continue on like this. Check on the 'solutions' tab up above here. and i know that others can probably weigh-in better than I on phone numbers and other avenues of resources.
Welcome Neverends - You and I are in the same place, caregiving gives me no joy. That said, I'm learning to cope and keep my sanity by taking care of myself and being proactive. I'm also an advocate of researching the issues and creating a plan on how to move ahead in the world you now both inhabit.
Your post mentions the other siblings and their trite platitudes about how bad they feel for you. It is time for you to tell them they need to step up and do their part to care for their mother. I know, easier said than done but taking a strong stand and essentially telling them will help you establish much needed boundaries.
Ok, time for hard questions. You didn't mention who oversees your mother's medical and financial affairs. Does she have a designated POA for her financial and medical affairs? Who has control her checkbook, does she have assets, own her home, have a trust? Have you met with an elder lawyer? If not, you must get your mother's affairs in order now. Should she need more care than you can provide, the money issues will become very important instantly.
Do you have a relationship with your mother's PCP? Has she seen a specialist (Neurologist)? There may be Rx available that would help your situation more bearable for both of you.
Please keep posting, we're here to help.
Ty for replying, I am her POA for medical and financial. She has no assets, no savings. Monthly social security and military pension which I control. She lives in my house, retired early from nursing to care for her. She has great health insurance from the military. Asked siblings to help, flat out "We can't, just place her". I worked in long term care for 17 years,I know all about it. I started an application with the veterans home where I worked 2 years ago, she was accepted and is on the list. Covid hit and everything is at s standstill. So here we are. I'm sorry your going thru this too. No one understands. Except the ones in the trenches.
Neverends, I care and I see you. I am so sorry you're at this point. Take us and our comments with you as you go through the days.
When I'm at this point, I remember you people here in this wonderful forum and I feel a little less desperate and alone.
I truly feel your pain, exhaustion, numbness, and frustration. You hit the nail on the head with your screen name too...it really seems like this. Never. Ends. I know some day that it will, but which one of us (DH or me), will survive the longest in the face of his AD? And if it is me...which "might" be, since I don't have the terminal disease and am 2 decades younger...what kind of shape will I be in physically, emotionally, spiritually if so?
And, yes, outside of this community of those in the same boat, it seems like no one understands or cares to. To add insult to injury, I have experienced some of his colleagues and family members trying to take advantage financially and in other ways, which is just lower than low. It makes me really question humanity. Not only do they not care, those (few) have been opportunistic which adds to my already heavy load because if there's one thing I won't do it is to shrug my shoulders at kicking my DH when he is down, or trying to take advantage of his illness and my overwhelmed-ness (not a word, sorry about that). Some people just suck.
Vent away. We have to blow off steam and truly get some relief, and temporary or long term respite. Here are a couple of thoughts to hopefully give you a bit of relief at least:
1)Is your mom on hospice? It sounds like she would qualify and as you may know, this provides some support via a team to assist you weekly with:
Please give it a try if you have not had hospice evaluate her for that support to help you both. It has been a real blessing for us the last few months, stage 6d...stabilized from a real rough period but still terminal and declining so he still qualifies for now. Every resource helps, I've found.
2)Also, have you tried any resources through your local Agency on Aging? Here is the link to find one in your area. Find Your Local Area Agency on Aging This provided us with: