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Unknown By Man
Posted: Friday, January 14, 2022 11:00 AM
Joined: 12/23/2021
Posts: 83

Well I got a call from the hospital that my mother's breathing was shallow and turns out she has covid, and I feel horrible. She most likely got it doing this entire back and forth between hospital, facility back to hospital. The hospital also contacted my mom's family at her request and now I am getting harassed by them and my mom. Have my mom telling me over the phone if she dies know it was my fault, have my family telling me I am horrible for putting her in thus situation. 

Given the protocol I cannot even see my mother, she is vaccinated and has ni other comorbidities so fingers crossed she makes it out of this but not going to lie I feel like sh-- for putting her in this situation. If I had just sucked it and stop being a petulant child and did what her doctors and mother wanted she may not have been in this situation. 

My mom has always been diligent with her PPE, and limited her interactions with unknown entities but in a hospital and facility that is not possible, and the scary nature of this variant how even vaccinated individuals can still transmit it.

I am worried, God forbid something happens I do not know how it would change me especially cause she is in thus situation cause I put myself first when I had the ability to do right by my mom at the expense of my own comfort. 

I have family telling me if she dies they will never forgive me and they hope my happiness was worth you causing your mother to suffer..

Oh well now we play the waiting game.

Quilting brings calm
Posted: Friday, January 14, 2022 11:24 AM
Joined: 10/16/2020
Posts: 670

Stop that.   First, this virus is everywhere right now.  Second, it’s not your fault that your mom behaved so badly that she couldn’t stay home even overnight once she was discharged the first time,  that’s on her.  Are you going to blame the neighbors for calling 911 that night she screamed in her own  home? The hospital and medical professionals have policies and procedures in place to prevent cross infections.  Here, they run ads telling us it’s safe to go to the ER for necessary treatment.  It’s just crowded and they want unneeded trips avoided for that. 

Your mom needed professional help and THEY failed her.  It’s quite plain that they and your relatives didn’t want to deal with her and thought you should destroy your life to do so.  entire staffs of professionals couldn’t handle her overnight, yet they expected you to be able to do so 24/7 long term. It’s not feasible.

Posted: Friday, January 14, 2022 11:27 AM
Joined: 7/7/2016
Posts: 72

There are therapeutics that work. Talk

 to her Doctors about what works. 


Posted: Friday, January 14, 2022 11:52 AM
Joined: 11/26/2021
Posts: 73

I agree with Quilting, in no way, shape or form is this your fault! Your mom could’ve gotten Covid if she were living with you, just by you bringing it into the house from work or store. It is very contagious and they say almost everyone is going to end up with it, vaccinated or not. These same relatives that refuse to take in your mom are threatening to cut you out of their lives if your mom dies? They have a lot of nerve and I would block their numbers. You don’t need any more stress than you already have. You’ve already said your mom is manipulative so try to disregard her blaming you, it sounds like that has been her MO anyways. As Quilting said, it was your moms bad behavior that got her moved around so much in the first place and prevented her from living with you, not YOUR bad behavior! Hang in there, this storm will blow over one way or another.
Unknown By Man
Posted: Friday, January 14, 2022 12:01 PM
Joined: 12/23/2021
Posts: 83

I do not blame others, I get thus virus is all around I get it is illogical and irrational to blame others and even myself. Just that sting that is associated with having your mother and family straight up call you an ungrateful child for putting yourself first before your mother especially during covid and not even a year after her husband has passed. 

It is rough I get I should not feel this way but the reality is if my mother does pass I lost both my parents in situations were they did not go peacefully. Reality is my mother is the only family I have left, and all I am trying to do is do right by her while not giving up my entire life. Yet every where I go it seems like I have people berating me for wanting to live. I had my mother's doctor call me earlier cause they were informed about my mom. Legit asking me am I happy? Even they telling me that they will never forgive me. They are very close.


It just sucks all around, that I am getting sh-- for trying to leave my life. I did not think bring told I am scum, or you will not be forgiven stuff like that would phase me, but in truth it does hurt. I feel like a failure. I am immuno compromised so my family also lays that on me cause they are like your mom is safest with you cause you understand the necessity of being cautious and safe. I am also extremely OCD when it comes to cleaning etc . . .  They also used the fact my parents spent a lot of money on me for childhood cancer treatment and they are holding that over my head. It is just a whirlwind of emotions. I get it my parents took on a lot of debt to care for me, and I am trying to do right and live a life worth living. Yet it seems my family feels because they gave up a lot I should do the same. My father would have never let any of this stand. He would have put my mom and my family in their place. I am afraid to do so cause I might let my anger get the better of me. 

As for medications, we have gone down that route my mother is a complex cause due to other preexisting psychological issues and reactions where medications unfortunately are not a viable solution. The facility had to remove her because the psychological ward was unable to find a viable medication combination that met my mother safety profile. 

She was deemed at the stage were social interventions and interactions are enough to keep her relaxed. Issue is no medicaid facility can meet that demand due to the storage of staff.

Posted: Friday, January 14, 2022 12:08 PM
Joined: 5/16/2017
Posts: 825

Your mother is succeeding in controlling + manipulating you no matter what you do. Do not engage with her or her relatives.  

Any contact with them has a negative outcome…for YOU.  Concentrate on your own little family.  What makes you think that your comfort + peace of mind is any less important than HERS?   No matter what you have tried to do for her is met with toxic negativity.  

If her relatives want to criticize you, tell them they are welcome to take charge of her + if they don’t want to do that, you don’t want to hear from them.

IMO you should see a counselor to help you detach somewhat + understand that you have no obligation to someone who deliberately (or not) makes your life miserable. She is taking up an inordinate amount of your time and energy that should be going to your wife + others who appreciate your attention.    You have done your best for her.  Limit contact.

Posted: Friday, January 14, 2022 1:22 PM
Joined: 3/2/2020
Posts: 120

As everyone has already stated the COVID is everywhere.  It's NOT your fault!!!!!! You also don't need all this harassment from everyone. To hell with that. Tell them to shut up and walk in your shoes before opening their mouths and hang up.  Yes she paid for your cancer treatments and took care of you with this and you are going out of your mind with a LOT of guilt because of this. What more can you do????? Tell me what else can you do?

I have a very poor immune system and could catch covid very easily... my husband is sick and he will probably have to go into an ALF at some point not far off and he could catch it too! It's a pandemic. I realize you know this. had she been in a position to stay home isolated maybe she never would have caught it but that's not the case, that's not the reality.  That goes for a lot of us... who have to go out and do things not everyone is a candidate for the vaccines. 

Especially with all on your plate, I would not interact with the negative people. You have caller ID, you can probably block people and that goes for social media as well. People can be awful protect yourself for pete's sake from all that you don't need it or deserve it. Let them take over this nightmare you were handed and then they can have an opinion. But you're not superman and you're not  possessing magical powers to control everything that happens around you.

Drop the guilt, those that add to it, and continue to focus on the goal.  Thinking of you. 

Posted: Friday, January 14, 2022 1:59 PM
Joined: 5/5/2021
Posts: 33

Rationally, you need to understand and hear me, that she is extremely unlikely to die from CoVID in her case. That is ridiculous. 

Stay out of it. She is using you and destroying your life. You deserve to be happy and you have done more than enough.

I wish you all the best.

Posted: Friday, January 14, 2022 3:58 PM
Joined: 6/12/2016
Posts: 2052

PLEASE stop being so hard on yourself!!!! You have done/are doing everything humanly possible to help her! It is NOT YOUR FAULT she is so darn* difficult to deal with! Not many people would tolerate the things you do. 

I hope she recovers soon and will get settled somewhere. I don’t think she is capable of being happy no matter what you do. I recommend NOT talking to your family at all. Block their calls. I’d even block moms calls until she calms down. As long as you know she is safe, block her calls. It accomplishes nothing by listening to her rant and belittle you. I am very sorry for you.

Posted: Friday, January 14, 2022 3:59 PM
Joined: 11/26/2021
Posts: 26

This is emotional manipulation on the part of your mom, family, and doctors and other people in the system. Try not to let it get to you. You've been making the best decisions you could based on the resources available. She's not going to die. As you've described, she is strong and physically healthy. I have a feeling she is manipulating the system as much as possible to hurt you in retaliation. Don't respond to it emotionally and shut it down quickly with others. I'm sorry they are doing this to you. It is definitely not remotely fair to you.
Stuck in the middle
Posted: Friday, January 14, 2022 4:12 PM
Joined: 6/4/2017
Posts: 1583

My grandmother's family pulled some of this same crap on my grandfather after my grandmother's death at about age 30.  As a result, I grew up knowing my grandfather's family quite well and saw my grandmother's family about every 20 years at a reunion in a city park.  I suggest the same approach for you.


Unknown By Man
Posted: Friday, January 14, 2022 5:35 PM
Joined: 12/23/2021
Posts: 83

Funny, they now have an officer watching my mom cause she stole the ID card of one of nurses ID badge and tried to escape the hospital they had to lockdown the hospital for an hour while they looked for her. This lady keeps digging that hole deeper and deeper. 

Joking aside why is it that people seem to underestimate my warnings. My mother's fingers are still extremely nimble. I warned them do not let your guard down around her she will do anything to get out. Like when I was at the facility before her transfer I saw people use the code for medication chart in front of my mom and I just sighed. When I bring things up they say she does not have the mental capacity for such things. Yeah, my mom is not the standard case. 

I am the same way use to get in trouble as a kid doing the same thing, I was in and out of hospitals early on in my childhood. I guess I know where I get it from.

Posted: Saturday, January 15, 2022 1:28 AM
Joined: 3/2/2020
Posts: 120

My mother was so clever compared to staff she had them all fooled. I told them over and over again about the issues.  But they thought they knew better.. No, I know my mother better.  She knew how to manipulate people.  So your mom has a guard now.. well good! I wonder for how long. 

You know even when my dad was in an ALF and he was so ill, I knew his patterns to a tee.... did they listen, no. 

It does something to you after a while. 

You are not your mother, or your father, we pick up some things how could we not? But in the end we are our own person and we take what we've learned and move on with living.

This is going to be one long, arduous chapter of your life, but not your whole life, you'll get through it. You already have made good choices with some help from your wife by choosing her over your mother thank goodness!  But I understand the grief and aggravation.  Not good for your immune system, try to get some rest if you can. 

Posted: Saturday, January 15, 2022 7:15 PM
Joined: 11/26/2021
Posts: 73

They used to arrest people in NY for this (disorderly conduct). Seemed excessive and wrong but once in the county jail, a case worker would be assigned or if already assigned one moved to the top of their list. A very short stay in jail (as it’s not equipped for elderly, MH residents) would lead to a whole team working on appropriate housing and contingency plans if behaviors escalated. I feel like your mom should have a whole team, besides you, working on her placement and behavioral issues. But of course, things have changed, agencies are working short staffed and Covid has put a wrench in the best laid plans. I hope she gets better soon and something gives!
Unknown By Man
Posted: Monday, January 17, 2022 1:34 PM
Joined: 12/23/2021
Posts: 83

Things I have learned, having my mom live in a conservative part of New York has been a nightmare. This aspect of  traditional values they are trying to feed me has been a special kind of fun to say the least. She is doing well, and it appears they are in the talks of releasing her back into the community but with assistance. 

So we will see how this plays out. 

mommyandme (m&m)
Posted: Monday, January 17, 2022 1:56 PM
Joined: 2/16/2020
Posts: 343

Thank you for the updated update.  Good news… hopefully.
Iris L.
Posted: Monday, January 17, 2022 5:08 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 17694

I don't think traditional values can be blamed.  People  just don't know how to deal with dementia.  I have been on this board for over a decade and nothing has changed in the general public and professionals.


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