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Spouse or Partner Caregiver Forum
MC Placement- 6 Month Update
First I have to say that we have been extremely fortunate with the MC placement experience. DW is thriving in in her new environment! She has friends amount the residents and staff, daily activities and is receiving good care. She has never ask to come home and the most she ask is where I have been to which I respond “at work” and she is fine with that answer.
The activities that she enjoys most are those that involve music, especially the live singer/musicians that come in a few times a week. During those performances she is always dancing around the activity room with a big smile on her face. The staff call her the Dancing Queen and I wish I could upload video I have of her dance moves, it just makes her so happy.
Occasionally I do find her upset when I visit but she can never explain what is bothering her. Usually this happens when there has been a disruption in here community, another residents moves out or activity restrictions because of Covid protocols. I can always change her mood by putting on music and getting her dancing.
I know that I have had more difficulty time than her with the placement. I still miss having her at home and sometimes think about bringing her home. Then I look at how happy she is and try to remember just how challenging things were when she was home and I push those thoughts out of my mind. Sometimes when I visit I find her holding hands with other male residents which hurts a little but if these friendships bring her comfort then I am happy for her.
I know others members are currently having challenging placement experiences and I feel for them but I wanted to post this so newer members would know there are sometimes positive placement experiences as well.
Joe I'm glad to hear from you and hope, hope, hope that we may get to that point. I think the individual personality of the PWD and the stage at placement have a lot to do with it. I think I have always known my partner would not adapt easily and was one reason I waited/wanted to keep her home. The fact is that she is just resistant to care/supervision, period. She told friends this week that I had left her for someone else. Just makes me so sick at heart.
I am glad your wife is doing so well. Makes it easier for you, I'm sure.
Joe, it's great that she is doing so well. There is no doubt it has been harder on you than it is for her. You're using your head by not giving in to your heart.
M1, I hope she comes around soon. It will get better.
Good news that your DW has adapted so well. I hope the positive transition continues. As you may recall, my DH was placed at the same time, but was clearly more compromised than your DW. My DH does not participate in activities, nor does he interact with staff or other residents. Although he is clearly well liked and well cared for, he is totally apathetic toward any activities or other people, myself included. When I arrive, I always announce, “Hi, buddy, the girl of your dreams is here!” No reaction from DH, but others seem amused.
I miss him and all that we shared and planned, but have slowly reclaimed my own life. The most mundane activities give me pleasure- - watching the grandkids’ baseball and softball games, wandering the library, mall, and grocery store leisurely, sleepovers with the grands, meeting friends for lunch or golf……none of this was possible for the last several years. If it is perceived as selfishness on my part, I’ll own it. I would want the same for DH.
M1, as much as I wouldn’t wish disease progression on anyone, it is precisely DH’s late stage that makes his placement “easier” on me. I am sorry your situation is so hard on both of you. Hopefully, but sadly, with time, things will get better. Best wishes.
Joe thanks for the update. Sounds like she is doing well, and that’s why you placed her. You can have peace knowing she is happy and well cared for. Happy for you and her!
M1, I’m sorry things are still so very hard for you and your love one. Praying things will get better for both of you!
I greatly appreciate this update. I will be facing the decision to place my DW in the near future as her dementia is progressing rapidly. The updates, of both easy and hard placements, help prepare me for the inevitable.
Thanks to all who provide such updates of how placement has gone.
Thank you for the update. Sounds like your DW is adjusting to MC pretty well. When I placed my DH is was hard on the both of us, but he needed more help than I was able to provide.
He was in a small MC facility. The facility had room for 20 residents I don't think it was ever full. He was one of just a few men the other residents were woman. He enjoyed sitting in the TV room, the other male residents just stayed in their rooms. My DH loved holding hands, so all the ladies took turns holding his hand while they all watched TV. This never bothered me because I knew this brought him comfort as well as the ladies. He was on the couch with ladies on both sides all holding hands. Sometimes I would just sit in a chair across the room. I was feeling the comfort they all felt.
When you think about bringing her home, please remember she is getting the best care possible. As long as she is comfortable and given good care she is where she needs to be. Now it is time for you to take care of yourself. Hugs Zetta
Joe, I’m glad things are going so well. It’s been 8 months for us. My wife never asked to come home, but she spends her waking hours walking around the facility (64 rooms) testing all the exterior doors. If she was here with me, I couldn’t keep her from walking out and away. I also have been adjusting, and agree with everyone who says it is tougher on the spouse or partner of the PWD. She is mostly nonverbal, but shows affection to other residents and staff by hugging or patting them on the arm. I know it was the right decision.
A lot of the PWD’s adjustment and happiness in MC depends on their personality. It sounds like your wife’s personality is perfect for group living. Participating in activities and being the Dancing Queen are very good signs. I hope you continue your adjustment and that your wife continues to enjoy her life in MC.
These updates from those of you have placed your LOs are so helpful to all of us—thank you for them. Remarkable range of outcomes…from fairly easy adaptation to indifference to resistance. Thrilled for you, Joe, that your DW is doing as well as she is, even as it has been more challenging for you. M1, I grieve for you as I has been so hard on both of you.
I think it’s right that stage of progression as well as individual personalities factor into how well our LOs transition to MCFs. We’re not there yet. Touching wood, DW has been fairly stable at 6d for a while now, but looking down the road….who knows. I’m guessing that if placement is in our future, my DW’s apathy will mean acceptance but not thriving.
I admire those of you who have placed your LOs every bit as much as those of us who are still caregiving at home. All choices are difficult and courageous.