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Joined: 11/17/2016
Posts: 105
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This really hurts. And I know, I know it's not about me. She seems to be happy with the CNA's and her roommates. I tried to wake her up and talk to her but she just ignored me. She responded to the CNA'S and was smiling at lunch. I felt so alone, like why am I here? I am only going to go see my mom with other family, so I don't feel this way again. Thanks for listening. I will take any comments. God bless this site.
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Joined: 2/16/2020
Posts: 672
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I’m sorry for these struggles. I take it your mom is in a facility? If I missed something in your explanation sorry. I’m my mother’s primary caregiver. There have been many times I feel as you do. She’ll be happy anyone else is around, other than me. My mom will roll her eyes at someone else in the room but regarding me. She even tells her cat she loves her, but not me. I understand your feelings.
I wonder if your mom isn’t sure who you are? Or maybe she’s stuck in a negative memory of you? You might offer treats or gifts when you visit? I do think your mom will benefit from any and all visitors in some way. If you need to limit your visits for you, that’s reasonable. Your mental health is important too.
I don’t take my moms negativity personally anymore. I just enter the room smiling and friendly just as a nurse or CNA would if they were her primary caregivers. I take care of the business at hand and move on. She still gets annoyed at me or whatever it is but its just not important anymore. Her safety and well being is my top priority. Maybe in a previous season her passive aggressive self would be even more annoyed that her treatment of me isn’t effective but today it doesn’t matter. As I get to know my mom as her new self it’s so counterproductive for me to take things personally, for both of us. All this is likely making me a stronger person, even more confident, in a bizarre way.
I hope you can find a good way to cope with all this and again I’m so sorry for your hurt feelings.
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Joined: 11/17/2016
Posts: 105
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Hi M&M, nice name. Thanks for the response and that is great that it doesn't effect you when she treats you unfairly. This desiese is terrible. My mom is going on 5 years in the NURSING HOME now and it just gets worse as the time passes. But I am thankful that the CNA'S and staff are good to hear. She has lost her top teeth, it's just really sad. I am better now, just went for a walk. We need to stay active and positive. God bless you M&M.
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Joined: 4/2/2018
Posts: 6060
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Sometimes one person is a trigger for the PWD. When that happens, the PWD will likely react to that person with really bad actions, so I hope that person is not you.
This dementia road is very hard, and I'm sorry it's so bad for you. Visiting with others might be a good idea for a while. Maybe she'll eventually warm up to you. Wishing you the best.
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Joined: 11/17/2016
Posts: 105
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Hi Ed1937, I wish she had some kind of reaction to me. Their are no reactions. Thanks for the response. God bless you
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Joined: 3/6/2017
Posts: 3734
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I'm so sorry ISE, that must be hard.
I didn't have this with my dad, but my close friend who was primary caregiver to her mom found that in her mom's last year her mom was unable to identify her as her only child. Sad as it was, mom would often tell my friend what a nice lady she was and how she should meet her own daughter Diana who is an even nicer girl. We suspected mom didn't recognize Diana in adult form because she held the memory of a child or teenager. When she "introduced" herself entering a room, she might say something like "Hi mom, it's me Diana home from the store" which helped for a time.
Bringing someone along might help. But even if it doesn't, you are providing a layer of care by showing up to verify that your mom is in good hands. That's important.
HB
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Joined: 4/9/2021
Posts: 658
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Sorry you are going through that. This happens with my FIL - he has one person at any given time that he ignores or lashes out at. Usually it’s me, sometimes DH, sometimes the caregiver and sometimes all of us. He will be positive with DH and out of the blue point at me and say “You, get out of here!” Or some other mean thing.
I try to do like M&M says and not take it personally, but it still gets to me sometimes.
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Joined: 11/17/2016
Posts: 105
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Thanks HB and May Flowers. Yes I agree with the care I provide when I see her, it's beneficial to her. When I saw her yesterday her eyes were closed shut so I asked the Nurse for help. They cleaned her eyes and she could see again. Next time I won't freak out and do it myself. However when I went to feed my mom, I was to overwhelmed because she just ignored me and I left the facility. I felt guilty of course. Next time I will not take it personally. Thanks again everyone you don't know how much the people on here have help me.
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Joined: 2/16/2020
Posts: 672
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Istoppedwescaping,
After reading your response to my response I have to say I still get sad, of course, when things are difficult. I still lose my cool sometimes. Yuck! Also my mother has lost three of her front teeth so far, under my care. She had her four top, front teeth “fixed” with some type of cap or something before she was compromised by this disease. I’m waiting for the other front tooth to fall out since it’s made of the same product. They seemed to be her pride and joy when brushing her teeth, they were the only ones she focused on, if they were clean then all was well. Ugh! Anyway, it’s so very sad to me, she’d be horrified if she truly knew what was happening. Her vanity wouldn’t stand a chance.
Jeesh, this so hard.
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Joined: 11/27/2012
Posts: 2154
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I don't know the reason your mom is ignoring you; however, she still needs you a ton. Be there for a positive mood change. Be there to freshen her room and bring new items to look at. Be there to observe the caregivers so they know there are extra eyes. I recall some bad days with my mom where she wasn't happy with me. The situation was terribly distressing but I found some relief visiting with other residents that needed someone to talk to.
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Joined: 8/5/2022
Posts: 3
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Thinking about my day today and how I wish my dad had ignored me. Not paying attention to me would be better than having him outright telling me that I'm not his daughter. He told me how nice I am but that people are telling me lies and he's not my dad. He never would have said that were he in his right mind. I would give anything for him to simply ignore me instead of telling me hurtful things that he would never say or mean were he still the dad that I knew and loved. I guess there's no good way to live through being a caregiver for a parent with dementia. No matter what they do, it all still just hurts.
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Joined: 8/5/2022
Posts: 17
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Livvie wrote:Thinking about my day today and how I wish my dad had ignored me. Not paying attention to me would be better than having him outright telling me that I'm not his daughter. He told me how nice I am but that people are telling me lies and he's not my dad. He never would have said that were he in his right mind. I would give anything for him to simply ignore me instead of telling me hurtful things that he would never say or mean were he still the dad that I knew and loved. I guess there's no good way to live through being a caregiver for a parent with dementia. No matter what they do, it all still just hurts.
That ... sucks. It's going to happen, which doesn't make it suck less, but it's definitely going to be hard on you absorbing all that.
If it's any consolation, you know they're not sure who they are, but they're probably not sure who you are either, or if this is a dream.
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Joined: 11/27/2012
Posts: 2154
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Livvie, For sure. I am sad to admit it but some of my mom's harsh words will always stay with me. My suggestion would be when the criticism comes, tell yourself you are not your mom's daughter but rather you are a professional caregiver. The latter may allow the words to slip away more easily. Not the worst scenario but my mom would totally critique me up and down for having a cell phone. The reality was I didn't like being tied to a phone either and several years ago, the only, and I mean only reason I carried it, was to hear back from my mom's doctors. The irony...
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Joined: 8/5/2022
Posts: 3
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caregiving daughter wrote:Livvie, For sure. I am sad to admit it but some of my mom's harsh words will always stay with me. My suggestion would be when the criticism comes, tell yourself you are not your mom's daughter but rather you are a professional caregiver. The latter may allow the words to slip away more easily. Not the worst scenario but my mom would totally critique me up and down for having a cell phone. The reality was I didn't like being tied to a phone either and several years ago, the only, and I mean only reason I carried it, was to hear back from my mom's doctors. The irony...
I feel like a professional caregiver. Things have gotten much worse and it looks like we are going to have to take the next step on this nightmare journey and put dad into a memory care unit. I'm devastated but focused on doing everything I can to get him the help that he needs to allow him to have a life that is as normal as possible, but also still safe. I know that he'd never say the things he has said if it were still him. He is just the shell of the person I loved. Sometimes glimpses of him will appear, but the harsh words are not him. I know that deep down. It's just hard to digest at times.
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Joined: 11/27/2012
Posts: 2154
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Livvie, Again, I am very sorry. When your dad says something very hurtful to you, perhaps you could write it down. It may be a way to close the thought out in your mind and when you write, you will realize again, like you said, that your father would never have talked to you that way before the illness.
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