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how did you know when your loved one was ready for placement in memory care facility?
Posted: Monday, November 21, 2022 7:46 PM
Joined: 6/20/2021
Posts: 12


I was wondering- for those who have placed their loved ones in a memory care facility- how did you know it was time? as far as when you knew you were not able to care for them at home? or they needed more than you could provide?

 What kind of behaviors and issues did your loved one have at home- that led you to decide it was time?

And then how did that placement go- for you and for your loved one? Initially and with more time passing?

I am just trying to get an idea of what it looks like in other people's situation- those who have already gone through it?

Thanks in advance for your input

Posted: Monday, November 21, 2022 11:01 PM
Joined: 6/3/2013
Posts: 1226

Wish:  you have already identified the reason for placement:  when the family has exhausted all abilities to care for LO at home. Trust your gut and go for it. You know best when it is time. 

Thinking of you and wishing you the best. 

Posted: Tuesday, November 22, 2022 4:52 AM
Joined: 4/4/2018
Posts: 375

Hello Wish,  My DW is still at home.  Six years since diagnosis and in early stage 7.  I've been a very consistent reader of the forum for a long time.

My own limit and one that I've seen many many times before is aggressive behaviors.  Second is probably wandering, when the LO is constantly trying to wander and the care giver cannot keep them safe.  With some people there are specific red lines, bowel incontinence for example.

As Marta was saying, whatever the specific it's the care givers inability to cope with a specific behavior or an accumulation of factors.  It sometimes depends on external factors as well.  Shared responsibility, respite time, the caregivers own health, family finances, the time the caregiver can devote to the LO, etc.  

It's a difficult decision and each person comes to it via a different path.  Rick

Posted: Tuesday, November 22, 2022 6:14 AM
Joined: 12/7/2017
Posts: 75

It is time for placement when you, the caregiver, has become emotionally, physically and spiritually bankrupt.
Posted: Tuesday, November 22, 2022 6:50 AM
Joined: 8/22/2020
Posts: 3011

As Rick said, aggressive behavior was the trigger here.  Simultaneous with other uncontrollable behaviors, including overfeeding the animals, not recognizing me, and starting to wander at night (to feed the animals).
Posted: Tuesday, November 22, 2022 7:28 AM
Joined: 3/6/2017
Posts: 3901

I would given my blessing to placement as soon as dad was diagnosed when he was well into the middle stages. The phase where he still had some orientation to what was going on was challenging- he was mean and suspicious and difficult to redirect. 

Dad was not an easy individual prior to dementia. With the loss of social filter and empathy, my mom was on the receiving end of aggression and accusations even with robust cocktail of medication on board.

Mom was 80 and had a lot of health issues including a compromised immune system from medication. Not only did I not want her last days to be spent dealing with caring for an unpleasant PWD, but I also had real concerns about her cleaning up after fecal incontinence. This was around this time that his sleep pattern became very fractured which meant mom was getting enough sleep. I started pushing harder for placement at this point.

I had a CTJ when I found out he was expressing homicidal ideation. Dad had a sense that he was dying and had decided that mom should die at the same time as they "did everything together". We placed him within days after I told mom that should he succeed or she died of natural causes, I would put him in the very first place that had a bed (I had a Plan B and a SNF that would accept him same-day if needed) and that he would be in it before sundown. I told her if she wanted to pick his MCF, she needed to act now. 


Posted: Tuesday, November 22, 2022 11:15 PM
Joined: 4/7/2019
Posts: 465

My experience is much the same as the others - it was a combination of things. My sister wasn't able to navigate the house anymore, like, not being able to find the bathroom even when it was right in front of her. She'd often stand still in a room because she couldn't figure out what to do. It was really stressful for her. And then there was the incontinence.

She's been in memory care for a little more than a year now. At first there were a few meltdowns mostly because she felt like memory care was a punishment and she was being punished. She acclimated though, and now she's doing pretty well there.  She's quite rare in that she's actually told me that she thinks she should have moved there sooner.

Posted: Wednesday, November 23, 2022 8:17 AM
Joined: 4/17/2018
Posts: 1059

I guess my experience was safty first, I live in the county, and disappearing into the woods or some how getting into a vehicle when I wasn't  looking. That happened but lucky for me she found her way home. I worried if something happened to me dw would be unable to get help. She didn't recognize me all the time and I didn't belong here, this was her house. I had the same problem as m1 with feeding the cats,a daily struggle to work thru especially at sundown time.

It was the hardest thing I ever placing my dw, and daily visiting is also hard. I know if I didn't visit it would be worse. Now the first holidays are upon us and not having my lifelong companion at my side enjoying a meal, well that's an everyday thing eating alone missing her, the quiet silence at home.

I am working thru this one day at a time, I am greatful for all the beauty that I get to see on my 30 mile drive to visit and love seeing the beautiful sunrises, I go over a lake every day and the fog lifts on the mountainside where the sun is shining creating a fiery cloud kinda olt testament stuff. I often stop and thank God.

That's parts of why I placed my lifelong partner and how it goes after that happened. Day by Day.