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Another Respite - What to tell Mom?
Wilted Daughter
Posted: Thursday, November 24, 2022 8:23 AM
Joined: 12/30/2019
Posts: 186

Tomorrow will be my second respite for several days. I've made plans and this is the last respite from the program available to me for 2022 (use it or lose it). Although, I told mom 1 or 2 days prior to the first respite stay it didn't go well. 

Then I told her she was going to the same facility she had gone before for rehab. She was exited and agreeable until arriving in the room when she looked at the bed and asked: "Am I staying here overnight..." This time cabulance service is transporting her...declining mobility issues, etc., so I want to say the right thing at the right time to avoid outbursts/resistance. 

Taking a break from caregiving should not be this difficult, telling her is the hardest part of all. Everyone says mom is a cute, adorable, etc. but I feel she treats me like a servant. She acts  entitled to all the services received and believes that as a daughter it is my responsibility to take care of her (distorted role reversal). Since 10/6/22 ER/Hosp/Rehab, which exhausted my previous respite emotional stockpile, I've been running on fume with increased responsibilities. Hospice services began last week, but I need a break that hospice visits can't provide (more than an hour here and there away from mom). 

I don't know what to say to her this time, but will have to figure it out and inform her later today. I need to remain positive, grateful and hopeful, which seems impossible around her. 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone and best wishes to you all during the holiday season and throughout the years! 


Quilting brings calm
Posted: Thursday, November 24, 2022 9:17 AM
Joined: 10/16/2020
Posts: 1246

You could fib and tell her something  mechanical is being done to the house- something ‘under the covers’ so that she doesn’t ask why she can’t tell the difference later.  That you have to be here, but she doesn’t need the inconvenience 

Or you could tell her you need to go away for a few days and she deserves a change of scenery  


Wilted Daughter
Posted: Thursday, November 24, 2022 11:43 AM
Joined: 12/30/2019
Posts: 186

Thank you for taking time from your busy day/family to respond to my dilemma. I think I'm going with 'you have an appointment in the morning at 11a and the cabulance will be here to pick you up around 10:30a'. After she's in the van, tell her I'll meet her there (so I can bring clothes). Once there inform that it's rehab for a few days like before, put clothes away and not linger too long. She does have anxiety medicine which can be given at breakfast, if I feel she may resist.

It's hit or miss and this is only the second time, I'll get better at preparing her/myself each time (finding the right words to say). 



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Martin Robbins
Posted: Thursday, November 24, 2022 1:45 PM
Joined: 6/11/2022
Posts: 50

Yes, I agree: the home hospice helps, but you need more.

I asked one of my mother's hospice aides whether she knew anyone who would want to work a few 8 hr. shifts per week, caring for my mother.  She said, "Yes.  Me."  I paid $25/hr, and she was wonderful.  Plenty of experience and a very caring heart.

Wilted Daughter
Posted: Thursday, November 24, 2022 3:03 PM
Joined: 12/30/2019
Posts: 186

LOL! Some may not realize how difficult it is get someone to stay for a day, overnight or weekend, just for a few hours. $25 for 8 hrs is money well spent, in my opinion.
mommyandme (m&m)
Posted: Friday, November 25, 2022 1:32 PM
Joined: 2/16/2020
Posts: 875

When mom was on hospice we had a respite volunteer that would come for a few hours a week.  When mom was discharged I kept her on for more time per week and she’s the best caregiver I have. She even stayed all day Thanksgiving so I could be with family for $20/hr. (Those kind of functions are too much for mom now).  

If I didn’t get someone in weekly on the regular for respite, we wouldn’t be able to sustain mom staying at home.  Maybe you can get some more regular weekly help in?  So sorry!

Hope your time away is everything you need and more.

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