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Need to vent - can’t take Mom’s cussing/nasty texts
Posted: Monday, January 23, 2023 11:32 AM
Joined: 7/7/2021
Posts: 8

Just venting more than anything because I’m at the end of my rope today. Our mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and “behavioral disturbance” about 2 years ago. She has refused to move out of her home and into a facility even though the neurologist told her it would happen when she was first diagnosed and asked that she be part of the process.

Recently she was hospitalized for a fall, however, it wasn’t bad enough to get her sent to some rehab. In the State of MO we are told that you need two doctors to write a letter of incompetence for the DPOA to be invoked. Without that, we could have tried to get her to a facility but they would be forced to send her home if she demanded. She seems to be really good at “show timing” for a short period of time and we haven’t been able to get the letters we need. Until now. With her fall, we received one letter in the hospital and the second with a follow up primary care visit. We are FINALLY in process but still have a couple of weeks to get her moved to the facility.

I don’t think she remembers her primary telling her that he was making the decision to move her, but she does seem to know her days are numbered in her home. For the last 2 years, she has gone through (long) spurts of HORRIBLE, MEAN, NASTY texts to my sister and I and they come in all.day.long. It is exhausting. I don’t answer her unless she asks a legitimate question, but it really wearing me down. If I am being honest - to the point that I want to just block her and walk away. I know that sounds awful, but one can only take being called a horrible name so many times a day before you snap even if I do understand this “isn’t her; it’s the illness”. 

Posted: Monday, January 23, 2023 11:51 AM
Joined: 8/22/2020
Posts: 3175

CBMO, when you get her moved, I would have her lose the phone.  I understand that you probably can't do that until she moves, but maybe it will help to know that the days of this are numbered.
Posted: Monday, January 23, 2023 11:14 PM
Joined: 1/1/2021
Posts: 487

cbmo, you may be able to set the alert for her texts to "silent." It doesn't make the texts go away, but it does give you more control over how many times a day they impact you. Her judgement isn't going to be adequate to use texting for a real emergency anyway, so you're not losing an avenue for important timely communication.
Posted: Tuesday, January 24, 2023 12:17 AM
Joined: 10/2/2022
Posts: 56

So sorry to hear about your situation, my father was like that near the end.  Sending hugs and prayers you will be on the other side of this soon.


Posted: Tuesday, January 24, 2023 1:45 AM
Joined: 9/21/2017
Posts: 1709

Just a ponder,  I read so many PWD just spit out awful hurtful things and it reminds of alcoholics who are so full of self-hate/loathing/ fear they said horrid and unfair things to those closest to them also.

Maybe the PWDs are  internally upset at themselves and so that same type of verbal response pops out since their filters are gone .

I try, really really hard to not think what it must be like to have a shrinking brain , what they feel inside because it scares me to my bone marrow. Dementia sucks .

Posted: Tuesday, January 24, 2023 2:28 AM
Joined: 8/24/2020
Posts: 303

My aunt suffered from severe Alzheimer's for many years. She would call up my mom, her sister, many times a day, and cuss out her kids. Mom played me some of the messages my aunt left on her answering machine. It was incredible, horrifying, hurtful stuff. The sort of thing you can't believe you're hearing. It had no reason or rationale. Truly the ravings of a mad woman. My mom was aghast. She couldn't imagine where her sister had picked up all the swear words. She'd listen and try futilely to calm her sister but to no avail. This behavior went on for years. My aunt had excellent care, and my cousins struggled to try to make her happy, but my aunt was not to be cheered or consoled. 

Incredibly, ironically, my mom headed down the very same road years later when her Alzheimer's entrenched in the problematic Stage 5. 

When I got to the point that I couldn't take it anymore I blocked my mother's phone calls. When I moved her to memory care I took away her phone. Some thought I was being heartless but I couldn't take it anymore. 

Posted: Tuesday, January 24, 2023 11:17 AM
Joined: 3/7/2012
Posts: 2774

You are at the end of your rope. And its very understandable. You know its the disease, but that doesn't take the hurt away. So something has to change. Personally I believe I'd block her calls/texts. If she's used to you checking in with her daily I'd do that - something upbeat & share you've got a very busy day & will check on her at dinner time. Then do just that. She'll blow your phone up, but you won't know it. 

When she is placed many places don't let residence have cell phones. If that's the case or not make it be for your sanity. Take the phone. Again she'll not be happy - there is an adjustment period and she'll need to get through that.

Deep breaths, you have to do what you need to survive. 


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