Apply Now
RSS Feed Print
I miss you even though you're still here.
Posted: Monday, March 2, 2020 6:08 PM
Joined: 2/5/2020
Posts: 9

I said I wouldn't do this. I saw my grandfather get sucked down by this disease. I have grieved/am grieving/ will continue to grieve. Every stage we grieve. But, I said I would love, appreciate every version of my dad. You need me here, now, approximating activities you used to love, smiling at you, bringing a sense of familiarity in a world that's a little wanky.

But this day, this day I wanted to tell you something. So, as I preach for other's to do, I just said it. "Dad, I paid off my masters this week!" You didn't say anything back, but what did I expect??  I do know you are proud of me, you told me often. But, I think I wanted to hear it one last time. So selfish. When I got to my car, I cried my eyes out. I miss you so much. I miss you even though you're still here.

Posted: Monday, March 2, 2020 8:28 PM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2334

Well, if he didn’t say it, I will. I’m very proud of you. That’s a huge accomplishment. And, he definitely would have been very proud too.
Posted: Monday, March 2, 2020 10:18 PM
Joined: 2/16/2017
Posts: 1579

Congratulations that is a real big accomplishment. I am sure your Dad heard what you said and he is very proud of you.
Posted: Friday, March 6, 2020 11:12 PM
Joined: 6/11/2019
Posts: 516

WOW! Congratulations! That. Is. Awesome.

I'm sure that somewhere in some corner of his brain your dad is over the moon proud. {{{HUGS}}}

Your post brought some tears. I can so relate. I still see glimpses of my mom these days. She is still verbal though she doesn't always make a lot of sense. This morning she was asking about the "boss of the baby shower" and tonight it was queries about "what are we following after the yardstick?" She still regularly asks me about "School." (I graduated college 30+ years ago!) Tonight she asked me if I was a broker. Of what? No clue. And no, I'm not. 


Posted: Wednesday, April 1, 2020 5:37 AM
Joined: 6/12/2016
Posts: 2058

You are a good daughter! He is fortunate to have you
Posted: Saturday, April 18, 2020 5:03 AM
Joined: 1/25/2018
Posts: 715

It's so true. My DW is still physically hanging around our house, but everything that made her the love of my life is gone. She is just a difficult, demanding patient that resembles my beloved. Every day- ALL DAY-I grieve for the loss of my wife because that zombie that used to be my wife looks so much like her. Normal grieving is a process to relieve our pain as we work through our loss. With this disease we aren't even allowed that relief because the day of our loss is every day.
Posted: Friday, June 5, 2020 9:18 AM
Joined: 1/7/2020
Posts: 9

Dear Markus, 

That was so eloquently expressed. Thank you. We grieve as we watch our loved ones deteriorating right before our eyes. We grieve for the loss of "normal." We wonder who we are anymore. My "emotional support" cat died suddenly last year, and I still cry my eyes out for him because I am sometimes too exhausted to cry for the daily loss of my DH.

Other than the wonderful support of friends, one thing that helped me - and I know it might sound crazy - is to buy a LoveJoy animal (or other brand) to hold on to. Mine is a stuffed cat - cute but obviously not real. But when you turn the switch on and press its back, it purrs and does the cat kneading motions. Occasionally meows too.

I bought it for my DH, and he is mildly entertained and distracted by it. He even talks to it once in a while. But I tend to pick it up and hold it, especially when it starts to purr. That purring is the most relaxing feeling in the world.

That, and sitting still and taking slow inhales/slow exhales with my eyes closed (deep breathing) really helps to calm me down when I think I can't take any more.

Please know that you are not alone...

Posted: Monday, June 8, 2020 2:34 PM
Joined: 5/29/2020
Posts: 4

Congratulations! I know your dad's ability to have a conversation with you about this is missed.
Posted: Friday, June 19, 2020 3:53 PM
Joined: 1/25/2018
Posts: 715

My DW has been inpatient for a month now. I discuss this in another board. I never realized part of what was so difficult about caring for my wife but 10 times more difficult now that she is gone-likely forever. There is no-one to say "Great job ! I'm so lucky to have you! That looks great!..." As caregivers we work harder and harder every day for less and less acknowledgement. Throw in family(several) that haven't been of any help for years giving you little shots of "I don't know why you haven't just put her in a nursing home. She can't be happy the way you are living now." I have said- after I have taken it as long as I can, "Why don't you just blow your brains out. You don't seem very happy the way you are now". We don't talk anymore.
Posted: Friday, July 17, 2020 10:13 PM
Joined: 7/12/2020
Posts: 5

Congrats that is a awesome accomplishment.  It is hard to tell a LO with dementia something special and not get a response, I believe down deep he heard what you told him.
Posted: Sunday, July 19, 2020 6:59 AM
Joined: 2/10/2013
Posts: 2

Can I just vent for a Moment. 

I realize that senior citizens who reach their 90’s and are independent, self sufficient and have  their cognitive abilities intact are amazing.  We all do. As my generation enters the season of aging parents, and are staring in the face our own twilight years,  I have conversations more and more about these seniors, the few, the remarkable.  Probably because we are all on the verge of being “seniors” ourselves, and we want to believe that the possibility exists for us too, to “grow old gracefully.” 

 I recently had a gathering with some friends, whose moms in their 80’s and 90’s  were healthy mentally and physically.  They spoke of them with pride. They threw out adjectives like amazing, inspiring. 

It was unspoken, but I could sense we all hoped that we could age this way. One person  even expressed the thought that if they eventually had dementia, they would prefer to just  have their mortality end.  

The hard reality is, we don’t get to choose. 

I think  of my brave courageous mom who wakes everyday not knowing where she is or who the people are who meet her basic needs. Not recognizing dearest family members who love her.  But, still waking up each morning,  sharing unintelligible jokes to make a caregiver smile, and trying to do what is expected of her. 

Can I just say, Mom, you are amazing. You inspire me. 

None of us can completely choose the road we walk through life. A person in their 90’s who lives on their own and is still able to make decisions concerning their daily living is a member of an elite group worthy of our respect.  An Alzheimer’s patient who is losing her abilities one after the other, with absolutely no control and can only trust…well, maybe even more respect is due them. Whose  to say really which is really more incredible?

× Close Menu